(no subject)
Everything is so fucked up right now. It's ridiculous to think how these things change, how everything can snowball out of control before you can even realize how insanely wrong it is.
I don't want my sister to leave. I don't want her to have to go back to MI, and I don't want her to not be a part of my life. However, I know I can't afford to support her and myself. I can't afford an apartment for the two of us alone, or to furnish it, or to pay all the bills we'd need and all of that. On top of that, I love living with my brother and my friend. It's not that I'm choosing them over her, or putting one family before another, or anything like that. It's just reality. I wish it could be as simple as the four of us all living together. But Aaron and Kat just don't like each other, each for their own reasons, and can't live together, and seeing as I can't afford to live with her alone, I don't have many options. So today I told her I thought it'd be best for her to return to MI. Which instead of letting me explain myself, she took it as me betraying her, turning my back one her... she told me to never speak to her again, and all of this shit. My heart is broken. And the fallout is even worse than just the tension between her and I. She told our sister Angel about what happened, and "what I said" aka what she assumed I meant and her side of the story, and Angel blew up, and deleted me on facebook, and all of this bullshit. I can't handle all of this. I've always been the odd one out in my family: Kat and Angel had each other, they're best friends and all of that, and Trish is well... Trish. I should've known this would happen, but I guess I thought we were all over that shit, that we didn't put one above the other anymore. I've always wanted to fit in with them and have them accept me, and the hardest part of all of this is that no one is fucking listening to what I'm actually saying. They hear what they want and they twist my words so I'm the enemy. I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated. I've never felt more alone in my entire life.
The worst, worst thing is... even though I promised I wouldn't and I swore to Aaron I would never put him through all of this stupid shit again... I'm absolutely aching for another scar and more. I feel like dying. I won't do anything stupid because I promised I wouldn't but God, I wish I didn't make these promises that I'm terrified I won't be able to keep.
I wish I could go back to when she first asked to move here, and just tell her now wasn't a good time. She would've been upset but at least I'd still have my fucking family.
I don't want my sister to leave. I don't want her to have to go back to MI, and I don't want her to not be a part of my life. However, I know I can't afford to support her and myself. I can't afford an apartment for the two of us alone, or to furnish it, or to pay all the bills we'd need and all of that. On top of that, I love living with my brother and my friend. It's not that I'm choosing them over her, or putting one family before another, or anything like that. It's just reality. I wish it could be as simple as the four of us all living together. But Aaron and Kat just don't like each other, each for their own reasons, and can't live together, and seeing as I can't afford to live with her alone, I don't have many options. So today I told her I thought it'd be best for her to return to MI. Which instead of letting me explain myself, she took it as me betraying her, turning my back one her... she told me to never speak to her again, and all of this shit. My heart is broken. And the fallout is even worse than just the tension between her and I. She told our sister Angel about what happened, and "what I said" aka what she assumed I meant and her side of the story, and Angel blew up, and deleted me on facebook, and all of this bullshit. I can't handle all of this. I've always been the odd one out in my family: Kat and Angel had each other, they're best friends and all of that, and Trish is well... Trish. I should've known this would happen, but I guess I thought we were all over that shit, that we didn't put one above the other anymore. I've always wanted to fit in with them and have them accept me, and the hardest part of all of this is that no one is fucking listening to what I'm actually saying. They hear what they want and they twist my words so I'm the enemy. I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated. I've never felt more alone in my entire life.
The worst, worst thing is... even though I promised I wouldn't and I swore to Aaron I would never put him through all of this stupid shit again... I'm absolutely aching for another scar and more. I feel like dying. I won't do anything stupid because I promised I wouldn't but God, I wish I didn't make these promises that I'm terrified I won't be able to keep.
I wish I could go back to when she first asked to move here, and just tell her now wasn't a good time. She would've been upset but at least I'd still have my fucking family.