mr. endlessly - donghae/kyuhyun, pg-13
mr. endlessly
paralyzing_time
romance, angst; pg-13; kyuhae
2843 words
this heart. it will beat for you until it dies. (how long are you willing to wait? a life time.) au
it’s maybe ten o’clock at night when kyuhyun and donghae are outside, walking at the park, with the evening wind cutting into their clothes. almost every night is like this, and, every time, it still feels unreal to kyuhyun. his senses are blurred and his mind is blank, but his heart is in full speed and paying attention to every feeling he’s getting.
“kyuhyun-ah,” donghae sudden says.
kyuhyun looks up to the male and breaks the daze that donghae always seemed to cast on him. donghae motions up to the full moon in the sky, and kyuhyun’s eyes follow.
“i’d pull down the moon for you.” donghae announces and laughs, making pulling motions with his arms, like he’s actually tugging the moon down.
kyuhyun struggles to smile at the gesture, even if he doesn’t want to, because donghae’s looking directly at him with those twinkling eyes of his. kyuhyun feels his heart - literally - skip a beat, and the ache spreads as though it had began its trip from the pit of his stomach to the caverns of his heart.
he tries hard not to think, don’t make promises you can’t keep, but kyuhyun has never been good with self control, and he’s soon hearing the words ring in his head.
-
-
mr. endlessly
the thing about love is, you have to risk being completely cut open
the hospital is the first place kyuhyun and donghae meet, and the first place that will pop up in kyuhyun’s head when he thinks about firsts with donghae. they meet while seven-year-old kyuhyun’s recovering from surgery and nine-year-old donghae is being kept in the hospital to be monitored. donghae is literally the boy-next-door, and he spends almost every waking moment that he isn’t occupied by friends and parents to talk to kyuhyun.
“what are you here for?” donghae asks the second day of both their hospital stays, his legs swinging on the edge of the bed. he’s healthy enough to leave, he tells kyuhyun, but the doctors want to keep him there a little longer.
“heart.” kyuhyun answers after a little silence and places a hand over the left side of his chest, above the hospital gown and the stitches keeping his body together.
the sunbae’s mouth curves into a small circle before he carefully climbs off the hospital bed. donghae walks to his iv pole and wheels it with him towards kyuhyun, who can’t get off of the bed because it hurts.
it’s during this that kyuhyun really sees donghae for the first time, instead of wondering about the voice from the other side of the curtain. he first notices the nasty red scratches on the pale white skin of donghae’s face, and the overly optimistic smile on his lips.
“a car hit me,” donghae starts, like he doesn’t know how serious it is and has only been told what happened, “and i only saw black after that. mommy and daddy were scared, and mommy was crying when she came to the hospital.”
kyuhyun doesn’t say anything to this, waiting to see if donghae would continue. instead of talking more, donghae’s eyes dart to the empty chair by the bed and he goes toward it, dragging his iv along with him. it seems as if donghae never noticed that kyuhyun never told him to do any of this, nor did he ask any questions himself. the nine-year-old plops himself onto the plush chair, and the ends of his tiny bangs fly up as he sits down. donghae once again swings his legs and looks toward his dongsaeng, who is still lying on his back.
“what’s wrong?” donghae asks, and kyuhyun can practically hear the pout in his voice.
“with what?” kyuhyun blinks and continues to stare up at the ceiling.
“your heart.” donghae huffs and attempts to cross his arms, but can’t do to the needle in his arm.
“they said it’s broken.” kyuhyun’s says calmly, and he then feels donghae’s arms trying to hug him the best they can.
“that’s so sad, kyuhyun-ah!” donghae’s distressed voice reaches his ears and, when donghae pulls back, kyuhyun can see that his eyes are glassy from unspilled tears.
“donghae!” a female voice calls out, and both of the young boys look up to see that it’s donghae’s mom, accompanied by his dad behind her, and donghae immediately tries to go to them, dragging the iv pole along. he talks animatedly to them - kyuhyun’s vision is blurry and he can’t concentrate on making out the words - but he suddenly feels an ache in his heart. it’s a sharp, shooting pain, enough to make him call for the nurse.
the chair remains empty after that.
kyuhyun starts to think donghae is gorgeous at the age of thirteen, when he actually learns what the word means. it’s not that he thought donghae wasn’t good looking before - but now he’s past the stage where everyone is ‘pretty’.
he doesn’t see the boy for a while after the hospital visit, even though they exchanged information. now they’re at the same school, but kyuhyun is in his first year while donghae is in his last year of middle school. every now and then he’ll pass by and donghae will greet him quietly while he’s with his friends, and then they both go their separate ways.
one day, out of nowhere, donghae approaches kyuhyun while he’s on his way home, placing a hand on the younger male’s shoulder.
“let’s hang out today.” donghae says with a soft smile on his face, and kyuhyun feels his heart beat (two-four-six) before agreeing.
that’s how they get to donghae’s bedroom, simultaneously doing homework and getting distracted. kyuhyun is halfway through his math homework when he hears donghae’s voice ring in the air.
“how’s your heart, kyuhyun?” the thirteen-year-old hears and looks up to see donghae looking at him, hands under his chin.
“it’s okay, i guess.” kyuhyun answers awkwardly while playing with his pencil and looking down, unable to meet donghae’s eyes. he can feel donghae’s light hearted yet pity smile from across the table, and that makes it more difficult to really look at donghae.
“i want to be a doctor-” donghae suddenly announces and continues, “a cardiologist, actually.”
it’s this statement that makes kyuhyun’s head spring up with a quizzical look pasted on. the back of mind flashes the fact that it could be because of him, but kyuhyun pushes it back because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up high.
“why?”
“your heart, does it hurt?” donghae responds with a question, and, out of sheer politeness, kyuhyun accepts the evasion and answers.
“sometimes it does, but i have medication for it.” kyuhyun’s tone has a strained politeness to it, and he’s completely stopped working.
donghae nods and leans back to resume his homework, and a thick silence falls. saliva hits the back of kyuhyun’s throat as he scratches answers into his paper and inputs numbers into his calculator. the lack of words - the lack of overall comfort is getting to him.
“why did you invite me over?” kyuhyun abruptly blurts out the question that’s been digging into the back of his mind.
donghae raises and eyebrow and leans back a little bit. he then chuckles a little bit and kyuhyun scowls, scarlet brushing across his cheeks.
“i wanted to see you.”
donghae is still as gorgeous as he was back in middle school when kyuhyun reaches high school, when he’s there anyway. he’s spending more time in the hospital because the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with his heart.
“cardiomyopathy*?” donghae asks one day, when he’s visiting kyuhyun in the hospital.
“they didn’t say that, hyung.” kyuhyun responds after a long pause, unsure of himself.
it’s quiet for a few minutes before donghae speaks up again.
“promise me you won’t let your heart give up before i’m able to come back.” donghae says quietly.
“i don’t know if i can.”
“just do it, please.”
“...okay.”
graduation rolls around, but kyuhyun’s stuck in school that day. he spends the rest of summer stretching out his goodbye to donghae and watching the older male move into a new apartment.
years roll by and kyuhyun barely gets a glimpse into donghae’s life now, except that he’s going to some medical school, and he’s still going to be a cardiologist. it’s an ordinary, rainy day during a summer in seoul, and kyuhyun tries not to think about it much as he sits in his personal cardiologist’s office for his daily check ups.
“how old are you now, kyuhyun?” his cardiologist asks while looking at the chart, updating information. “twenty, right?”
“yes.” kyuhyun nods in affirmation, pulling at the collar of his shirt for a little bit.
“well, we just got your test results back.” the doctor says slowly, and kyuhyun’s ears pick up on the news not being anything good, but he’s been waiting for this. “your heart, the tissues have deteriorated, as you already know, but at this point, it seems your heart won’t function for a lot longer.”
kyuhyun is shown a graph with a bunch of lines on it, and he’s familiar enough with it to understand some of what the paper is trying to say, but the doctor explains anyway.
“see, we found a lot more abnormalities than before.” the cardiologist uses his pen to trace a flat line. “if you want us to fix your heart, we’re going to have to put you on the transplant list right now, so we can get you a heart as soon as possible.”
“that list,” kyuhyun begins slowly, the look on his face a bit off, “is very long, isn’t it?”
“i might be able to get you near the top.”
a sigh leaves the young male’s lips, and he feels his heart ache, but he still remembers the promise he made to donghae all those years ago. in the small hope that he’ll see the other again, he consents.
“donghae...?”
“i’m an intern at the hospital, kyuhyun.”
kyuhyun’s eyes widen in surprise at the male he hasn’t seen for so long. the donghae he used to know is long gone, replaced by an exhausted, mature male. he’s still as gorgeous as he was all those years ago, and he’s still got his light hearted attitude he had back then.
“but, how?” kyuhyun sputters, and he’s absolutely mortified by his loss of coherency, his cheeks turning red. he hears donghae’s chuckle and his heart flutters like it always does; he really hasn’t changed like he thought he did in all that time.
“i’ll be there, your surgery.” donghae says, and kyuhyun’s half-tempted to laugh in disbelief, but before kyuhyun could object, donghae’s long gone and kyuhyun’s surrounded by the rushing patients, doctors, and nurses all around him.
the day of surgery finally comes a week after kyuhyun receives a phone call, being told that a heart has finally been found.
“i’ll be there when you wake up.” donghae reassures him before he’s anesthetized, and kyuhyun lets out a small laugh.
“i don’t know if i’ll be.” kyuhyun says right before the needle punctures his skin, and he feels the burning sensation he always feels when the drug’s going in. he blacks out afterwards.
kyuhyun officially dies for three point eight seconds. his heart stops.
when his heart is back on running, kyuhyun's fallen into coma. donghae's yelling at the surgeon to do something, anything so donghae will hear kyuhyun’s voice again, but the surgeon just shakes his head and walks away, while donghae learns that maybe, just maybe, he’s chosen the wrong path in life.
forty-three days into kyuhyun’s coma, donghae finds who he thinks will be the love of his next life.
her name’s jessica. it’s not kyuhyun, but it’ll do.
“who is she?” is the first question kyuhyun asks when he sees jessica standing next to donghae after he wakes up from coma.
“jessica, my girlfriend.” donghae replies gently, and kyuhyun feels the soft tone tug hard at his heart strings. he watches as donghae turns to the female and whispers something to her, and then she nods and leaves. the younger male is half-relieved and half-confused at the same time, but that doesn’t mean the small pang of joy he feels when she goes away is invisible.
“you’ve been gone for a while.” donghae mentions first as he traces a pattern on the hospital bed, near kyuhyun’s thigh. he doesn’t look kyuhyun in the eyes - too afraid, kyuhyun tries to think.
“how long?”
“a year. they were going to give up on you, but i kept telling them to wait.”
“when did you meet her?” kyuhyun abruptly changes the subject; his tone is coarse and his heart feels like it’s gotten heavier. it doesn’t feel like his - the heartbeat’s not the same, and it doesn’t feel right inside of his chest.
“about eight months ago.” donghae answers all of kyuhyun’s questions quietly, like he doesn’t want anyone to hear them. “your new heart, how does it feel?”
kyuhyun makes a small noise as an answer and brushes his fingers against the cloth above his chest, feeling the heartbeats vibrate in his chest. “weird, i guess. it’s hard to describe, hyung.”
it’s silent. the sound of the heart monitor rings in the room, veils it like a curtain, smothering everybody inside.
“she’s a good girl. i hardly feel what i feel around her.” donghae tells kyuhyun, and places a hand on kyuhyun’s thigh. kyuhyun is too polite to tell donghae to (please) stop or to keep it there.
“i would hope so,” is kyuhyun’s only - sarcastic - reply.
“nobody dies from a broken heart, you know.”
but i can is what kyuhyun wants to say, but instead, his voice trembles as he tells donghae that he’s feeling a bit tired and that he would like to rest. donghae goes away, shooting kyuhyun a smile, and he goes after jessica, who’s waiting outside.
“people die from a broken hearts, hyung,” kyuhyun says to himself inside of the hospital, “it’s just that nobody says they do.”
kyuhyun passes away three months after donghae gets married from a tumor in his heart. the doctors say it was wrapped around the muscle, and taking it out left too little heart muscle for kyuhyun to continue on anyway.
donghae, a second year intern, excuses himself to go into a supply closet and cries inside.
on the day of kyuhyun’s funeral, his older sister, ahra, hands donghae a package.
“don’t open it until you get home.” she gives a small order to him before going off to join the rest of her family in mourning.
donghae does as he’s told, and he carries the box into his bedroom - consisting of a small bed, desk, and a closet. he sits on the foot of his bed and opens the box carefully. when he digs his hands inside, his fingers pull out envelope after envelope. the familiar writing catches donghae’s attention, and he’s opening the envelopes swiftly but carefully.
he never looks back at the marriage ring inside the drawer of his dresser, and the note filled with jessica’s cursive and a bunch of goodbyes, a little more than donghae can bear.
“this is all your fault, you ungrateful dongsaeng.” donghae tells the tombstone in front of him, looking down to hide his tears. “my divorce with jessica. she told me i had to love her like i loved you, you know. it’s impossible.”
the flowers around him rustle as the wind blows, and donghae pulls his jacket closer to himself.
“sometimes i get mad about you breaking your promise,” donghae starts in a tone of defeat, “and then i remember that you didn’t really have your own heart.”
donghae, he always keeps kyuhyun’s little notes with him, and even when he dies, the papers are cremated with him.
hyung, do you remember the promise you made me keep for you all those years ago?
i’m sorry i broke it.
-
i wish you all the best with jessica (not really).
-
you know, i loved you. i really did. i’ll probably still love you in heaven, though i’m not sure.
-
did you forget to set your alarm again? go set it! hyung, punctuality is important, so stop your bad habit of being late!
-
you were always late.
doesn’t matter anymore though.
-
you told me that you weren’t forever, and that nothing ever lasts forever.
but, donghae, you lasted a lifetime. that’s long enough for me.
-
you and i, we could’ve been something else entirely. if only, huh?
-
the truth is, hyung, i love you.
-
the truth is, hyung, i really did wish we lasted forever.
-
*cardiomyopathy - literally, "heart disease". basically the deterioration of heart muscle; severe, eventual deterioration may result in a heart transplant. the goal is to minimize symptoms and make it more comfortable to live with. common treatments are drugs, such as digitalis. look it up on wiki for more info.
a little something after my practice ap exam.
augh, i’m sorry about the way this came out; i'm not happy with it. idk. i’ve been feeling angsty.
paralyzing_time
romance, angst; pg-13; kyuhae
2843 words
this heart. it will beat for you until it dies. (how long are you willing to wait? a life time.) au
it’s maybe ten o’clock at night when kyuhyun and donghae are outside, walking at the park, with the evening wind cutting into their clothes. almost every night is like this, and, every time, it still feels unreal to kyuhyun. his senses are blurred and his mind is blank, but his heart is in full speed and paying attention to every feeling he’s getting.
“kyuhyun-ah,” donghae sudden says.
kyuhyun looks up to the male and breaks the daze that donghae always seemed to cast on him. donghae motions up to the full moon in the sky, and kyuhyun’s eyes follow.
“i’d pull down the moon for you.” donghae announces and laughs, making pulling motions with his arms, like he’s actually tugging the moon down.
kyuhyun struggles to smile at the gesture, even if he doesn’t want to, because donghae’s looking directly at him with those twinkling eyes of his. kyuhyun feels his heart - literally - skip a beat, and the ache spreads as though it had began its trip from the pit of his stomach to the caverns of his heart.
he tries hard not to think, don’t make promises you can’t keep, but kyuhyun has never been good with self control, and he’s soon hearing the words ring in his head.
-
-
mr. endlessly
the thing about love is, you have to risk being completely cut open
the hospital is the first place kyuhyun and donghae meet, and the first place that will pop up in kyuhyun’s head when he thinks about firsts with donghae. they meet while seven-year-old kyuhyun’s recovering from surgery and nine-year-old donghae is being kept in the hospital to be monitored. donghae is literally the boy-next-door, and he spends almost every waking moment that he isn’t occupied by friends and parents to talk to kyuhyun.
“what are you here for?” donghae asks the second day of both their hospital stays, his legs swinging on the edge of the bed. he’s healthy enough to leave, he tells kyuhyun, but the doctors want to keep him there a little longer.
“heart.” kyuhyun answers after a little silence and places a hand over the left side of his chest, above the hospital gown and the stitches keeping his body together.
the sunbae’s mouth curves into a small circle before he carefully climbs off the hospital bed. donghae walks to his iv pole and wheels it with him towards kyuhyun, who can’t get off of the bed because it hurts.
it’s during this that kyuhyun really sees donghae for the first time, instead of wondering about the voice from the other side of the curtain. he first notices the nasty red scratches on the pale white skin of donghae’s face, and the overly optimistic smile on his lips.
“a car hit me,” donghae starts, like he doesn’t know how serious it is and has only been told what happened, “and i only saw black after that. mommy and daddy were scared, and mommy was crying when she came to the hospital.”
kyuhyun doesn’t say anything to this, waiting to see if donghae would continue. instead of talking more, donghae’s eyes dart to the empty chair by the bed and he goes toward it, dragging his iv along with him. it seems as if donghae never noticed that kyuhyun never told him to do any of this, nor did he ask any questions himself. the nine-year-old plops himself onto the plush chair, and the ends of his tiny bangs fly up as he sits down. donghae once again swings his legs and looks toward his dongsaeng, who is still lying on his back.
“what’s wrong?” donghae asks, and kyuhyun can practically hear the pout in his voice.
“with what?” kyuhyun blinks and continues to stare up at the ceiling.
“your heart.” donghae huffs and attempts to cross his arms, but can’t do to the needle in his arm.
“they said it’s broken.” kyuhyun’s says calmly, and he then feels donghae’s arms trying to hug him the best they can.
“that’s so sad, kyuhyun-ah!” donghae’s distressed voice reaches his ears and, when donghae pulls back, kyuhyun can see that his eyes are glassy from unspilled tears.
“donghae!” a female voice calls out, and both of the young boys look up to see that it’s donghae’s mom, accompanied by his dad behind her, and donghae immediately tries to go to them, dragging the iv pole along. he talks animatedly to them - kyuhyun’s vision is blurry and he can’t concentrate on making out the words - but he suddenly feels an ache in his heart. it’s a sharp, shooting pain, enough to make him call for the nurse.
the chair remains empty after that.
kyuhyun starts to think donghae is gorgeous at the age of thirteen, when he actually learns what the word means. it’s not that he thought donghae wasn’t good looking before - but now he’s past the stage where everyone is ‘pretty’.
he doesn’t see the boy for a while after the hospital visit, even though they exchanged information. now they’re at the same school, but kyuhyun is in his first year while donghae is in his last year of middle school. every now and then he’ll pass by and donghae will greet him quietly while he’s with his friends, and then they both go their separate ways.
one day, out of nowhere, donghae approaches kyuhyun while he’s on his way home, placing a hand on the younger male’s shoulder.
“let’s hang out today.” donghae says with a soft smile on his face, and kyuhyun feels his heart beat (two-four-six) before agreeing.
that’s how they get to donghae’s bedroom, simultaneously doing homework and getting distracted. kyuhyun is halfway through his math homework when he hears donghae’s voice ring in the air.
“how’s your heart, kyuhyun?” the thirteen-year-old hears and looks up to see donghae looking at him, hands under his chin.
“it’s okay, i guess.” kyuhyun answers awkwardly while playing with his pencil and looking down, unable to meet donghae’s eyes. he can feel donghae’s light hearted yet pity smile from across the table, and that makes it more difficult to really look at donghae.
“i want to be a doctor-” donghae suddenly announces and continues, “a cardiologist, actually.”
it’s this statement that makes kyuhyun’s head spring up with a quizzical look pasted on. the back of mind flashes the fact that it could be because of him, but kyuhyun pushes it back because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up high.
“why?”
“your heart, does it hurt?” donghae responds with a question, and, out of sheer politeness, kyuhyun accepts the evasion and answers.
“sometimes it does, but i have medication for it.” kyuhyun’s tone has a strained politeness to it, and he’s completely stopped working.
donghae nods and leans back to resume his homework, and a thick silence falls. saliva hits the back of kyuhyun’s throat as he scratches answers into his paper and inputs numbers into his calculator. the lack of words - the lack of overall comfort is getting to him.
“why did you invite me over?” kyuhyun abruptly blurts out the question that’s been digging into the back of his mind.
donghae raises and eyebrow and leans back a little bit. he then chuckles a little bit and kyuhyun scowls, scarlet brushing across his cheeks.
“i wanted to see you.”
donghae is still as gorgeous as he was back in middle school when kyuhyun reaches high school, when he’s there anyway. he’s spending more time in the hospital because the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with his heart.
“cardiomyopathy*?” donghae asks one day, when he’s visiting kyuhyun in the hospital.
“they didn’t say that, hyung.” kyuhyun responds after a long pause, unsure of himself.
it’s quiet for a few minutes before donghae speaks up again.
“promise me you won’t let your heart give up before i’m able to come back.” donghae says quietly.
“i don’t know if i can.”
“just do it, please.”
“...okay.”
graduation rolls around, but kyuhyun’s stuck in school that day. he spends the rest of summer stretching out his goodbye to donghae and watching the older male move into a new apartment.
years roll by and kyuhyun barely gets a glimpse into donghae’s life now, except that he’s going to some medical school, and he’s still going to be a cardiologist. it’s an ordinary, rainy day during a summer in seoul, and kyuhyun tries not to think about it much as he sits in his personal cardiologist’s office for his daily check ups.
“how old are you now, kyuhyun?” his cardiologist asks while looking at the chart, updating information. “twenty, right?”
“yes.” kyuhyun nods in affirmation, pulling at the collar of his shirt for a little bit.
“well, we just got your test results back.” the doctor says slowly, and kyuhyun’s ears pick up on the news not being anything good, but he’s been waiting for this. “your heart, the tissues have deteriorated, as you already know, but at this point, it seems your heart won’t function for a lot longer.”
kyuhyun is shown a graph with a bunch of lines on it, and he’s familiar enough with it to understand some of what the paper is trying to say, but the doctor explains anyway.
“see, we found a lot more abnormalities than before.” the cardiologist uses his pen to trace a flat line. “if you want us to fix your heart, we’re going to have to put you on the transplant list right now, so we can get you a heart as soon as possible.”
“that list,” kyuhyun begins slowly, the look on his face a bit off, “is very long, isn’t it?”
“i might be able to get you near the top.”
a sigh leaves the young male’s lips, and he feels his heart ache, but he still remembers the promise he made to donghae all those years ago. in the small hope that he’ll see the other again, he consents.
“donghae...?”
“i’m an intern at the hospital, kyuhyun.”
kyuhyun’s eyes widen in surprise at the male he hasn’t seen for so long. the donghae he used to know is long gone, replaced by an exhausted, mature male. he’s still as gorgeous as he was all those years ago, and he’s still got his light hearted attitude he had back then.
“but, how?” kyuhyun sputters, and he’s absolutely mortified by his loss of coherency, his cheeks turning red. he hears donghae’s chuckle and his heart flutters like it always does; he really hasn’t changed like he thought he did in all that time.
“i’ll be there, your surgery.” donghae says, and kyuhyun’s half-tempted to laugh in disbelief, but before kyuhyun could object, donghae’s long gone and kyuhyun’s surrounded by the rushing patients, doctors, and nurses all around him.
the day of surgery finally comes a week after kyuhyun receives a phone call, being told that a heart has finally been found.
“i’ll be there when you wake up.” donghae reassures him before he’s anesthetized, and kyuhyun lets out a small laugh.
“i don’t know if i’ll be.” kyuhyun says right before the needle punctures his skin, and he feels the burning sensation he always feels when the drug’s going in. he blacks out afterwards.
kyuhyun officially dies for three point eight seconds. his heart stops.
when his heart is back on running, kyuhyun's fallen into coma. donghae's yelling at the surgeon to do something, anything so donghae will hear kyuhyun’s voice again, but the surgeon just shakes his head and walks away, while donghae learns that maybe, just maybe, he’s chosen the wrong path in life.
forty-three days into kyuhyun’s coma, donghae finds who he thinks will be the love of his next life.
her name’s jessica. it’s not kyuhyun, but it’ll do.
“who is she?” is the first question kyuhyun asks when he sees jessica standing next to donghae after he wakes up from coma.
“jessica, my girlfriend.” donghae replies gently, and kyuhyun feels the soft tone tug hard at his heart strings. he watches as donghae turns to the female and whispers something to her, and then she nods and leaves. the younger male is half-relieved and half-confused at the same time, but that doesn’t mean the small pang of joy he feels when she goes away is invisible.
“you’ve been gone for a while.” donghae mentions first as he traces a pattern on the hospital bed, near kyuhyun’s thigh. he doesn’t look kyuhyun in the eyes - too afraid, kyuhyun tries to think.
“how long?”
“a year. they were going to give up on you, but i kept telling them to wait.”
“when did you meet her?” kyuhyun abruptly changes the subject; his tone is coarse and his heart feels like it’s gotten heavier. it doesn’t feel like his - the heartbeat’s not the same, and it doesn’t feel right inside of his chest.
“about eight months ago.” donghae answers all of kyuhyun’s questions quietly, like he doesn’t want anyone to hear them. “your new heart, how does it feel?”
kyuhyun makes a small noise as an answer and brushes his fingers against the cloth above his chest, feeling the heartbeats vibrate in his chest. “weird, i guess. it’s hard to describe, hyung.”
it’s silent. the sound of the heart monitor rings in the room, veils it like a curtain, smothering everybody inside.
“she’s a good girl. i hardly feel what i feel around her.” donghae tells kyuhyun, and places a hand on kyuhyun’s thigh. kyuhyun is too polite to tell donghae to (please) stop or to keep it there.
“i would hope so,” is kyuhyun’s only - sarcastic - reply.
“nobody dies from a broken heart, you know.”
but i can is what kyuhyun wants to say, but instead, his voice trembles as he tells donghae that he’s feeling a bit tired and that he would like to rest. donghae goes away, shooting kyuhyun a smile, and he goes after jessica, who’s waiting outside.
“people die from a broken hearts, hyung,” kyuhyun says to himself inside of the hospital, “it’s just that nobody says they do.”
kyuhyun passes away three months after donghae gets married from a tumor in his heart. the doctors say it was wrapped around the muscle, and taking it out left too little heart muscle for kyuhyun to continue on anyway.
donghae, a second year intern, excuses himself to go into a supply closet and cries inside.
on the day of kyuhyun’s funeral, his older sister, ahra, hands donghae a package.
“don’t open it until you get home.” she gives a small order to him before going off to join the rest of her family in mourning.
donghae does as he’s told, and he carries the box into his bedroom - consisting of a small bed, desk, and a closet. he sits on the foot of his bed and opens the box carefully. when he digs his hands inside, his fingers pull out envelope after envelope. the familiar writing catches donghae’s attention, and he’s opening the envelopes swiftly but carefully.
he never looks back at the marriage ring inside the drawer of his dresser, and the note filled with jessica’s cursive and a bunch of goodbyes, a little more than donghae can bear.
“this is all your fault, you ungrateful dongsaeng.” donghae tells the tombstone in front of him, looking down to hide his tears. “my divorce with jessica. she told me i had to love her like i loved you, you know. it’s impossible.”
the flowers around him rustle as the wind blows, and donghae pulls his jacket closer to himself.
“sometimes i get mad about you breaking your promise,” donghae starts in a tone of defeat, “and then i remember that you didn’t really have your own heart.”
donghae, he always keeps kyuhyun’s little notes with him, and even when he dies, the papers are cremated with him.
hyung, do you remember the promise you made me keep for you all those years ago?
i’m sorry i broke it.
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i wish you all the best with jessica (not really).
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you know, i loved you. i really did. i’ll probably still love you in heaven, though i’m not sure.
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did you forget to set your alarm again? go set it! hyung, punctuality is important, so stop your bad habit of being late!
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you were always late.
doesn’t matter anymore though.
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you told me that you weren’t forever, and that nothing ever lasts forever.
but, donghae, you lasted a lifetime. that’s long enough for me.
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you and i, we could’ve been something else entirely. if only, huh?
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the truth is, hyung, i love you.
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the truth is, hyung, i really did wish we lasted forever.
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*cardiomyopathy - literally, "heart disease". basically the deterioration of heart muscle; severe, eventual deterioration may result in a heart transplant. the goal is to minimize symptoms and make it more comfortable to live with. common treatments are drugs, such as digitalis. look it up on wiki for more info.
a little something after my practice ap exam.
augh, i’m sorry about the way this came out; i'm not happy with it. idk. i’ve been feeling angsty.