Tom's Dick Is Not Bigger Than Mine
I'm cooling down. It's amazing what some aderal can do for one's outlook on life. Time-release optimism. Science is a beautiful thing.
Two days ago I would say I could never talk to her again. Now, I don't know. It wasn't because of me, apparently. To hear her say it was her fault makes me really want to believe her. She has never taken responsibility for anything, so I know she wouldn't throw the idea around.
Is it weird to wonder if the guy your ex-girlfriend is having sex with is better than you? I don't think that it is. We were together for 2 years and I lost count really quickly as to just how many times we were together. Was she bored of me? It's fucking killing me. I wish I could just be confident enough to believe it wasn't something that I did or said. I guess it's that same lack of confidence that makes the idea of being out of a stable relationship so scary to me.
A girl in my building says all I need is a go-to girl. A fuck buddy, in so many words. It bothers me to think that I would need something like that to derive some self-esteem, but in all honesty I know that I probably would. I just want to feel like if I wanted to I could get another girl, but I've had some shitty luck since I've been at school. I guess that could be because I was in a relationship and wouldn't allow myself to get into a situation in which I would cheat on her. I respected her and I didn't want to do that. The thought of he with another guy was enough to make me not want to put her through that. But if I had had more true opportunities to do it, would I have really turned them all down?
There's no answer to that, so why trouble myself with it? I try not to trouble anyone else with my issues right now. But she was so awesome and we got along so well and I don't know if I can really ever find something like that again. BUT I'M FUCKIN 18 YEARS OLD! WHY AM I THINKING LIKE THAT?
Lately I've been feeling overdramatic and that makes me feel like a total pussy. This is really the first time that I have expressed any emotion besides anger. I am going through things that I have never gone through before. But then I wonder if I really miss my relationship or if I am just pissed about some other guy getting with my girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend, rather. This is fucking shitty.
The one thing I have gotten out of this experience is the realization that I am not planning on quitting cigarettes any time in the near future. That and the fact that try as they might, no one can truly make me feel any better than I do about things. Although I really appreciate all of the attempts.
I'm going out this weekend. To some stupid party, probably. The very social context that I have been trying to avoid for a long time because I thought that they were stupid, and they are. But I just need something to make me feel better. I've had enough of drinking and smoking with the guys every weekend. I just need to find a decent girl to spend a few hours with. No strings attached. A mutual exchange of something I haven't had in too long a time.
I asked her if Tom's dick was bigger than mine. I had to know. For my own sake. She was quiet for a while, and then said no. So at least I have that.
Two days ago I would say I could never talk to her again. Now, I don't know. It wasn't because of me, apparently. To hear her say it was her fault makes me really want to believe her. She has never taken responsibility for anything, so I know she wouldn't throw the idea around.
Is it weird to wonder if the guy your ex-girlfriend is having sex with is better than you? I don't think that it is. We were together for 2 years and I lost count really quickly as to just how many times we were together. Was she bored of me? It's fucking killing me. I wish I could just be confident enough to believe it wasn't something that I did or said. I guess it's that same lack of confidence that makes the idea of being out of a stable relationship so scary to me.
A girl in my building says all I need is a go-to girl. A fuck buddy, in so many words. It bothers me to think that I would need something like that to derive some self-esteem, but in all honesty I know that I probably would. I just want to feel like if I wanted to I could get another girl, but I've had some shitty luck since I've been at school. I guess that could be because I was in a relationship and wouldn't allow myself to get into a situation in which I would cheat on her. I respected her and I didn't want to do that. The thought of he with another guy was enough to make me not want to put her through that. But if I had had more true opportunities to do it, would I have really turned them all down?
There's no answer to that, so why trouble myself with it? I try not to trouble anyone else with my issues right now. But she was so awesome and we got along so well and I don't know if I can really ever find something like that again. BUT I'M FUCKIN 18 YEARS OLD! WHY AM I THINKING LIKE THAT?
Lately I've been feeling overdramatic and that makes me feel like a total pussy. This is really the first time that I have expressed any emotion besides anger. I am going through things that I have never gone through before. But then I wonder if I really miss my relationship or if I am just pissed about some other guy getting with my girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend, rather. This is fucking shitty.
The one thing I have gotten out of this experience is the realization that I am not planning on quitting cigarettes any time in the near future. That and the fact that try as they might, no one can truly make me feel any better than I do about things. Although I really appreciate all of the attempts.
I'm going out this weekend. To some stupid party, probably. The very social context that I have been trying to avoid for a long time because I thought that they were stupid, and they are. But I just need something to make me feel better. I've had enough of drinking and smoking with the guys every weekend. I just need to find a decent girl to spend a few hours with. No strings attached. A mutual exchange of something I haven't had in too long a time.
I asked her if Tom's dick was bigger than mine. I had to know. For my own sake. She was quiet for a while, and then said no. So at least I have that.