(no subject)
suicidal stupid or just insane
I've been going over a bunch of things in my head. Over the last, I don't know few years I guess. A lot of it I am the one to blame..well some of the shit anyway. But god, did I deserve any of it, no! My mother is to blame as well..it's offiical, I hate her and I want nothing more than to just get the fuck away from her. I'm not depressed, I used to think I was. but it just turns out I'm very angry. Angry at the world for putting me in this kind of situation without means of escaping. Angry at my mother for always taking someone else said, letting her fucking girlfriend treat me like shit for 15 years. Making me feel so stupid and so goddamned cheap, like I was gonna end of some whore like she was when she was a kid. I also think I'm angry at my father. He died when I was like 14. And since he's been dead for some reason in the back of my head the same phrase comes out. "I hate my father" I still don't understand why exactly. I mean, if anything my dad cared so much for me. If he knew anything about my last 15 years, he would've saved me. I think.
I definitely hate the world around me. so much so i've created this whole alternate reality for myself, which is kind of why I think i'm slipping into some sort of insanity. I just hope i'm not like those people who stand on the corner talking to themselves.
I'm 19 years old and like any 19 year old with some fucking sense in their brains who actually wants something out of life pretty much wasted a good chunck of it. I really don't know why, maybe fear of it..who knows. And comparing myself to others isn't helping myself either, if anything making me worse. All my life I've had friends who could do so much. Why is it I attract people who are such so great and can make me feel like such a fucking loser. Best friends in fact.
In the end I believe I asked for this. In my alternate reality I wanted a torn background..something chaotic..an interesting story to tell. And all this time I had it..abuse, anger, frustration, pity..it was all here.
I've been going over a bunch of things in my head. Over the last, I don't know few years I guess. A lot of it I am the one to blame..well some of the shit anyway. But god, did I deserve any of it, no! My mother is to blame as well..it's offiical, I hate her and I want nothing more than to just get the fuck away from her. I'm not depressed, I used to think I was. but it just turns out I'm very angry. Angry at the world for putting me in this kind of situation without means of escaping. Angry at my mother for always taking someone else said, letting her fucking girlfriend treat me like shit for 15 years. Making me feel so stupid and so goddamned cheap, like I was gonna end of some whore like she was when she was a kid. I also think I'm angry at my father. He died when I was like 14. And since he's been dead for some reason in the back of my head the same phrase comes out. "I hate my father" I still don't understand why exactly. I mean, if anything my dad cared so much for me. If he knew anything about my last 15 years, he would've saved me. I think.
I definitely hate the world around me. so much so i've created this whole alternate reality for myself, which is kind of why I think i'm slipping into some sort of insanity. I just hope i'm not like those people who stand on the corner talking to themselves.
I'm 19 years old and like any 19 year old with some fucking sense in their brains who actually wants something out of life pretty much wasted a good chunck of it. I really don't know why, maybe fear of it..who knows. And comparing myself to others isn't helping myself either, if anything making me worse. All my life I've had friends who could do so much. Why is it I attract people who are such so great and can make me feel like such a fucking loser. Best friends in fact.
In the end I believe I asked for this. In my alternate reality I wanted a torn background..something chaotic..an interesting story to tell. And all this time I had it..abuse, anger, frustration, pity..it was all here.