(no subject)
I can't go back. I won't go back. Brandon's coming back.. In fact, I don't think he ever left. He's supposedly in basic training, but he has his phone and a laptop? Don't they cut you off from the world when you go to basic? You basically take yourself and that's it? That's what I've been told. He texted me yesterday and told me he was coming back for two days. I told him it didn't matter to me because I wouldn't see him. I won't go see him. I won't! I'm a different person now. And I refuse to go back to who I used to be. Because I didn't like who I was. I wasn't proud of myself, and I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel so much better about myself. And I'm proud of me. And it's almost been a month since I've seen him. He still has this certain pull on me. When I got the text message from him and I read his name, I froze. My entire body tensed up and I couldn't breathe for a second. I didn't respond at first, in fact I didn't respond for hours. I told myself that if he didn't say goodbye, then I sure as heck wasn't about to say hello again and let him back into my life. He won't my excuse for messing up anymore. I take responsibility for my actions and I don't choose him. I always thought that we were meant to be. I always thought that someone inside him, he cared about me in the same way that I cared about him. And he changed me in so many ways. I did things that I promised myself I would never do. They were all my choices. And the outcome was never good. So what makes this any different? I don't care how much I miss him, I won't go back. I don't miss the tears and the fights and the pain and the constant worrying. I don't miss any of that. He comes with all of that though. He's drama. He's trouble. And that's not for me. I can't go back. I won't go back. I refuse. And I used to say that all of the time, but it was always after I had gone back to him and had ended up broken hearted. And I always ended up broken hearted. And I refuse to let myself fall for him or anybody like him ever again. I choose life. I choose me. I won't go back. End of story.