Energy
So I'm depressed, but it's not like it's a hampering depression. Most of the time I'm just fine. I don't feel hopeless, listless or numb at all, and for the most part, I'm still a generally happy person. But then there are those times.
Those periods that can last days or stretch to full months. Where I fall into a routine and just go on autopilot. Go to work, come home, get some take-out, waste all the time on LJ, go to bed. For days and days. It's been happening like that for years, and possibly the reason why I never finish a story, never properly practice my religion, never get homework done, never get anything done. And that failure to accomplish anything feeds right back into my negative feelings, fueling the behavior.
I can now recognize when those periods start. I felt it last night, when I didn't want to do anything at all. I felt a little jumpy, like I had a lot of energy with no outlet, so I randomly went for a swim (I never go for a swim these days), and when I returned, I was in that semi-drained state of mind that's perfect for writing for me, so I pushed out a thousand words. And...that's it. That's all I got done yesterday. With dishes to be done, a terrace that's been in a state all summer, and fics that need to be completed. Blahhh.
If I'm not careful, I can easily slip into those moods, and suddenly it'll be January, and I'm no closer to getting into school, getting a car. Hell, I HAVE a phone now, and yet I still haven't posted a new application for a second job. :/ I need to find a way to kick myself back into gear when I feel these coming on, and I'm not sure how. Meditate? See a therapist? Exercise? Write down all my good qualities and tape it to my mirror?
I can try to just do other things, but sometimes, when push comes to shove, I just don't care enough to push. And it does show. I'm not my usual super-efficient self at work. I'm less interested in things at home. Food tastes less interesting, to the point that I don't even care what I eat. That leads to long, expensive periods of getting take-out, and only eating once a day.
I want to do things with my life. I want to write a million books, move to Europe for a while, study all the history, learn to drive stick like a boss. As it is, I'll be starting over as a 22-year-old freshman this upcoming spring, with no stories or books completed. I wrote half a novel for NaNoWriMo 2010. Since then, I haven't written another word of it. This depression or whatever it is is wasting a LOT of my time, money and resources.
It also makes me have weird nostalgic ideas. I think back to when I lived in Cali, to when I lived in the central valley, and I remember happy periods. The cool houses I lived in. The friends I had. My boyfriends. Or I go back even farther, to when my parents were well-off and we lived in a big, big house in Sacramento. Way back when I was too young to understand bills, or the world beyond that gated community. And part of me thinks if I can go back to those places, things will be better.
But I know they won't. California is a great state, but it was baren of opportunity for me. And my depression started there. Going back would only be a step backward, and everything will be worse. I can only go forward, and I want to, I do, but this damn mind of mine won't let me. I need to stop this. I need to get on with my life. I'm ready. How about you, brain?
Those periods that can last days or stretch to full months. Where I fall into a routine and just go on autopilot. Go to work, come home, get some take-out, waste all the time on LJ, go to bed. For days and days. It's been happening like that for years, and possibly the reason why I never finish a story, never properly practice my religion, never get homework done, never get anything done. And that failure to accomplish anything feeds right back into my negative feelings, fueling the behavior.
I can now recognize when those periods start. I felt it last night, when I didn't want to do anything at all. I felt a little jumpy, like I had a lot of energy with no outlet, so I randomly went for a swim (I never go for a swim these days), and when I returned, I was in that semi-drained state of mind that's perfect for writing for me, so I pushed out a thousand words. And...that's it. That's all I got done yesterday. With dishes to be done, a terrace that's been in a state all summer, and fics that need to be completed. Blahhh.
If I'm not careful, I can easily slip into those moods, and suddenly it'll be January, and I'm no closer to getting into school, getting a car. Hell, I HAVE a phone now, and yet I still haven't posted a new application for a second job. :/ I need to find a way to kick myself back into gear when I feel these coming on, and I'm not sure how. Meditate? See a therapist? Exercise? Write down all my good qualities and tape it to my mirror?
I can try to just do other things, but sometimes, when push comes to shove, I just don't care enough to push. And it does show. I'm not my usual super-efficient self at work. I'm less interested in things at home. Food tastes less interesting, to the point that I don't even care what I eat. That leads to long, expensive periods of getting take-out, and only eating once a day.
I want to do things with my life. I want to write a million books, move to Europe for a while, study all the history, learn to drive stick like a boss. As it is, I'll be starting over as a 22-year-old freshman this upcoming spring, with no stories or books completed. I wrote half a novel for NaNoWriMo 2010. Since then, I haven't written another word of it. This depression or whatever it is is wasting a LOT of my time, money and resources.
It also makes me have weird nostalgic ideas. I think back to when I lived in Cali, to when I lived in the central valley, and I remember happy periods. The cool houses I lived in. The friends I had. My boyfriends. Or I go back even farther, to when my parents were well-off and we lived in a big, big house in Sacramento. Way back when I was too young to understand bills, or the world beyond that gated community. And part of me thinks if I can go back to those places, things will be better.
But I know they won't. California is a great state, but it was baren of opportunity for me. And my depression started there. Going back would only be a step backward, and everything will be worse. I can only go forward, and I want to, I do, but this damn mind of mine won't let me. I need to stop this. I need to get on with my life. I'm ready. How about you, brain?