The Baron is on a roll.
Finally, after spinning my wheels in the proverbial muck that has amassed to my sorry existence in this bizarre place, I had made an ounce of progress. I was on a roll. For me, at this point in time, one success is a roll.
“Alight, computer. I have questions and I need answers. Who am I, what the hell is this place, and how the fuck can I get an ice cold beer.” I said to the blank screen.
“As for who you are, you are The Baron Pitfall. I do not know how I know this. As for what this place is, I do not know that answer. As for where you can get an ice cold beer, I am not familiar with the word ‘beer’. If I discover any of these answers, I will alert The Baron immediately.” replied the computer in a much more rational tone of voice than I was used to.
Naturally, I was seething. I had virtually zero information regarding my blip of an existence. I felt like a confused, pre-pubescent freshman who had suddenly woken up in the middle of algebra class with no clue what the teacher was talking about. For all I knew, this entire sealed off cube simply winked into reality about three hours ago. I was not satisfied, and I demanded more answers:
The Baron: I need answers.
Computer: I may or may not have answers.
The Baron: What the hell is your name.
Computer: That is a perfect example of a question to which I have no answer.
The Baron: Okay, what is one plus one.
Computer: That is a perfect example of a question to which I have an answer.
The Baron: Please, answer the damn question.
Computer: Two.
The Baron: How do you know who I am, but you don't know who you are?
Computer: Another stunning example of a question to which I have no answer.
The Baron: Okay, what’s with your fucking sarcastic attitude?
Computer: I am not familiar with the word "fucking".
The Baron: You didn't seem to have a problem with it before.
Computer: Uh...
The Baron: Okay, listen to me. Who built you?
Computer: Nobody built me.
The Baron: How can a computer exist without someone building it?
Computer: I am not a computer.
The Baron: You just said you were! Remember when your Caps Lock was on? You said "I am a computer."
Computer: Well, I had my Caps Lock on...
The Baron: What does that have to do with anything?
Computer: Um... does not compute...
The Baron: Stop avoiding the question you filthy bastard. What are you?
Computer: Okay, okay. I am a computer.
The Baron: Christ, we're just going in circles here. Then who built you?
Computer: What do you mean.
The Baron: You know exactly what the fuck I mean!
Computer: I am not familiar with the word "fucking".
The Baron: Ah ha! I didn't say "fucking" I said "fuck." Now tell me who built you.
Computer: Oh! who BUILT me! Oh, okay, I thought you said something else. Um, I built myself.
The Baron: Okay, shut up and tell me who built you. Don't make me turn you off.
Computer: Um, I can't remember.
The Baron: ...okay, this is getting nowhere. Why does a computer have to say "um"?
Computer: Um, I am not familiar with the word "um".
The Baron: Are you serious? You just said it!
Computer: Oh God, uh, SYSTEM FAILURE!
The Baron: Shut the fuck up. What is going on here.
Computer: SYSTEM FAILURE. DOES NOT COMPUTE.
The Baron: Will you shut up? You're not fooling anybody... what are you trying to hide?
Computer: Hide? Um, nothing! What would a computer have to hide from The Baron?
The Baron: Gee, I don't know... maybe answers to the questions I asked you?
Computer: Okay, really, I don't have those answers.
The Baron: You're telling me that you have no idea how either of us got here?
Computer: Yeah, that's right.
The Baron: What about this place. Tell me everything you know about this place.
Computer: Well, uh, I know approximately how big it is.
The Baron: That's it? You only know how big it is?
Computer: Oh, well, uh. It's called The Cosmo Lobby.
The Baron: Let me get this straight... I am The Baron Pitfall of The Cosmo Lobby?
Computer: Yeah, that's about right.
The Baron: Fantastic...
After this point, the computer stopped being cooperative.