The Baron is rudely awakened.
Slightly to my dismay, I awoke to the single loudest sound I have ever heard in my entire life, followed by a booming voice which screamed with no apparent regard to the eardrum-shattering volume at which it spoke.
“HELLO!” howled the voice.
Immediately, I assumed it was God. After all, that character is most famous for his booming voice, and this voice boomed so loud it was as if a death metal band had crammed billion watt speakers into my skull and started wailing guitar solos. That’s practically God’s main characteristic - well, the booming voice and his white beard. At any rate, the thought that God was speaking to me quickly passed as I realized that not only did God probably not want to talk to me, but if it really were the omnipotent creator of the universe he most assuredly would have had more tact in his introduction.
“DO NOT MOVE UNTIL I HAVE IDENTIFIED YOU!” the voice screamed. My fingers shot up to plug my ears, which at this point were practically bleeding. After a few moments of silence, and when the ringing in my ears died down from an air-raid siren to a furiously beeping smoke detector, the voice spoke again.
“ACTUALLY, YOUR IDENTITY IS NOT IMPORTANT! BUT STILL, WHO ARE YOU?!” belted the voice.
“Could you please… for the love of God’s booming voice… shut the hell up.” I bluntly stated as a trickle of blood ran from my ear canal.
“IDENTIFY YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY!” it screamed, with no noticeable reduction in volume.
“Look, I honestly have no idea who I am. I have no memory of anything before about an hour ago. Could you please keep your voice down, my ears are bleeding…” I explained. The voice seemed to accept my case of total cliché amnesia and moved onto a different line of questioning, namely:
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”
“Look!” I said as I began to grow impatient. I climbed to my feet and yelled back at it. If it was a shouting match he wanted, a shouting match he had. “I do not know who I am or what I am doing here! I don’t know what the fuck is going on!”
“OH!” said the voice, and was quiet. I collapsed back into the pile of bean bag chairs, exhausted, with ears ringing and headache pounding. I fell asleep.
“YOU ARE THE BARON! WELCOME BACK!” screamed the voice, as my skeleton was ripped from my skin as if I had just unsuccessfully completed a bungee jump with a non-elastic rope.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” I yelled back at it. I had no idea who this Baron character was, but I was as determined to get to the bottom of this almost as much as I was determined to get a cold beer and get this voice to stop destroying my hearing.