Frustrations Get the Best of Me
So, the ex and I have been speaking on an increasingly regular basis. He calls and we talk for hours on end and more often than not it ends in phone sex. The difference though seems to be that we have returned to talking more within our realm of experience, and less about the outlandish kink fantasies we had turned to before our breakup.
For the last couple weeks he has been on a roadtrip with his best friend to find a house- they are torn between Colorado and Portland, OR. I actually expected to hear from him very little if at all because he is spending his time on the trip with good friends he rarely sees given that they live in other states (when he visits me, I expect him to not be on the phone constantly). On the contrary though, he has called regularly and not just when everyone else is asleep, he has actually separated from them to talk to me for hours. The problem is, there has been so much "well maybe.... but no" For example, he called me on thanksgiving and told me had had gotten a job opportunity here, but (though he says he is still thinking about it) he isn't taking it. He assures me that it's because the job just isn't likely to pay enough to support him but I almost wish he just hadn't told me. Then I just randomly texted him to suggest he stop here on his way back home from Portland- the response I got was "we thought about it." I got so excited at the thought that he might come through. I texted back with "just do it! I miss you" to which I got "thought about it, past tense, sorry". He told me it was because they were already over budget, but again, I almost would have rathered he just said nothing.
I want so badly to be with him but this is hard. I want him to want it too and he just doesn't show it like I need him too. At the same time, he goes out of his way to reassure me that he wants no one else. I just think maybe he thinks he will have to give up his life in order for us to work- that isn't the case though. I would gladly go to him, or wait out whatever time it takes to get rid of the distance between us.
On wednesday night I went out with a friend to a concert and then out to the bars afterwards since we both work strange hours that leave us partying mostly during the week instead of the normal friday/saturday night thing. We were out at a noisy piano bar and a friend of A guy next to me was totally cute and hitting on me the whole time. My friends were occupied with eachother (I was hoping they might click) and I ended up making up with my cute stranger. When the lights came on, my friends left together and I left with the stranger who lived a couple blocks away. We were both drunk and couldn't keep our hands off eachother (a crowd cheered us on as we made out against the outside wall of the bar and the walk up the street took like half and hour because we kept stopping to make out on the way). I've never gone home with someone I had just met. It was fun and the guy was super sweet (even in the morning), but the next day i felt so guilty as if I had cheated on my ex. I just want him to tell me he wants me not to see other guys- that's all it would take and I would stay alone and celibate waiting for him.
For the last couple weeks he has been on a roadtrip with his best friend to find a house- they are torn between Colorado and Portland, OR. I actually expected to hear from him very little if at all because he is spending his time on the trip with good friends he rarely sees given that they live in other states (when he visits me, I expect him to not be on the phone constantly). On the contrary though, he has called regularly and not just when everyone else is asleep, he has actually separated from them to talk to me for hours. The problem is, there has been so much "well maybe.... but no" For example, he called me on thanksgiving and told me had had gotten a job opportunity here, but (though he says he is still thinking about it) he isn't taking it. He assures me that it's because the job just isn't likely to pay enough to support him but I almost wish he just hadn't told me. Then I just randomly texted him to suggest he stop here on his way back home from Portland- the response I got was "we thought about it." I got so excited at the thought that he might come through. I texted back with "just do it! I miss you" to which I got "thought about it, past tense, sorry". He told me it was because they were already over budget, but again, I almost would have rathered he just said nothing.
I want so badly to be with him but this is hard. I want him to want it too and he just doesn't show it like I need him too. At the same time, he goes out of his way to reassure me that he wants no one else. I just think maybe he thinks he will have to give up his life in order for us to work- that isn't the case though. I would gladly go to him, or wait out whatever time it takes to get rid of the distance between us.
On wednesday night I went out with a friend to a concert and then out to the bars afterwards since we both work strange hours that leave us partying mostly during the week instead of the normal friday/saturday night thing. We were out at a noisy piano bar and a friend of A guy next to me was totally cute and hitting on me the whole time. My friends were occupied with eachother (I was hoping they might click) and I ended up making up with my cute stranger. When the lights came on, my friends left together and I left with the stranger who lived a couple blocks away. We were both drunk and couldn't keep our hands off eachother (a crowd cheered us on as we made out against the outside wall of the bar and the walk up the street took like half and hour because we kept stopping to make out on the way). I've never gone home with someone I had just met. It was fun and the guy was super sweet (even in the morning), but the next day i felt so guilty as if I had cheated on my ex. I just want him to tell me he wants me not to see other guys- that's all it would take and I would stay alone and celibate waiting for him.