I Knew This One Would Be Different..
I haven't been with many guys but since that first sexual experience the july after I graduated I have been well, curious. My first kiss on my couch that summer made my body react in ways that were new and fun and I wanted to know what was next. Not two months after that kiss, I had sex for the first time and since that time each new experience, new guy, new boundary crossed has been an exciting discovery. But just as I learned that I was curious, I also learned that I was easily bored with guys in my life, usually opting to have meaningless flings rather than long-term romances. Once I learned a guy's routine, I wanted to move on to someone new that would surprise me. I was even more annoyed when a guy's routine matched that of a previous one's- which happens more often than you might expect. As a resultI tend to pick guys based more on entertainment potential than on important mate qualities- the wilder and cockier, the better because wild tends to mean they are more experienced which therefore means they have more tricks up their sleeves and increases the chances they might show me something new.
That's not to say I haven't slowed down and gotten serious. But up til a couple years ago, the two guys I had opened myself up to emotionally only ended up hurting me. That just hasn't seemed worth it.
Part of me had resigned to being "that girl." The one who just had sex for fun without turning into something more complicated. When my life is complicated as it is, there is just something so nice about being able to call a guy in the middle of the night and get what I want without having to worry about making time for him any other day of the week. But then Josh rolled into my life...
He was this force that blindsided me and turned everything in my world upside down. It started as yet another venture for curiosity's sake- who was this funny guy with the amazing voice and energy to be up talking to me until the sun came up? So I met him (having intitially met on myspace) and the second my eyes met his I noticed this glimmer that had me instantly attracted, this hint that told me that, even though I was staring at someone who looked sweet and harmless enough, there was a wild streak and I wanted more than anything to know just how deep that streak ran. But he hid it from me- this guy with the glimmer in his eye was nothing but a perfect gentleman the first few times we went out. In fact, after our first night out I was convinced he either wasn't interested or was intimidated by me- both of which are a waste of time on my part. But I kept giving him time.... we hung out the next night, then the next. Then, he kissed me. A perfectly timed kiss that third night that was the first showing of the aggression I was hoping for with his perfect lips pressed against mine and his hands in places that were perfectly innocent but at the same time painfully teasing. I was actually shocked when it happened because I was ready to give up. We continued out playful makeout and eventually ended up naked together in his bed.
Something stopped me. When it came time to decide whether or not I was going to have sex with him I stopped myself, and him. I told him simply that I wasn't ready for it and he was fine- no questions, no pouting. We just went on kissing until we fell asleep together. I woke up the next morning and while I would typically just want to get home, I felt this urge to stay in bed with him. He got up to go to the bathroom and when he came back he bounded back to bed naked and wrestled with me. We laid in bed for hours together that morning and I left feeling different but not sure why. The next time we were together we were in my apartment and had cuddled up in my bed. The kissing again led to fooling around. His hand was between my thighs, covered in my juices as he expertly explored my pussy with his fingers. At some point the thoughts of how bad I wanted him to just fuck me stopped and it was like I was in a dream. I couldn't get past feeling like I had a connection to him and the sexual things we were doing were no longer just sexual. I snapped out of my dream and came so hard but when it subsided I made him stop what he was doing and just let him believe I was too sensitive to let him keep going when really I was scared of where my heart seemed to be going. I didn't want to be attatched to this guy, or any guy for that matter. I didn't want to open myself up again, and I especially didn't want to tie sex and emotion. I curled up next to him and apologized as my body shook. We talked a bit and fell asleep together again.
A couple hours later something woke me up and I instinctively reached for him on the otherside of the bed. He had gotten up to leave and came back in the room to tell me. He leaned down and brushed the hair off my face before kissing me and letting me know he had to be up early for class. I walked him out and then lay in bed the rest of the night staring at his side of the bed. That's when I knew- knew that this one person had already left a major mark on me.
When he moved, I couldn't bare to wash my sheets because they smelled like him and I slept on his side of the bed for months. Every time I've seen him I have been at my happiest and the second I have to let go I feel absolutely miserable. No other kiss in my life has ever been so emotional for me as the ones I have shared with him and sex is permanently tied to my connection for someone. While I think things would be easier if I just hadn't made that shift, I am thankful to him for causing it because now I can truely say I know what it is to make love and nothing in the world compares to it.