(no subject)
so i kissed her, it was a strange moment that ill not forget sometimes these things, these moments just float up from wherever my brain says shit like that should be fine, so it lies and i dont even think about it just leaned in close like it was some familiar lover and kissed her shoulder lightly without any hesitation, without thinking... the whole day spent talking to her and the mass, the wine- the laughing a the sound of everyone happy, the feeling of it sinking into just the most comfortable place. the whole day came to a kiss on her cold ivory white shoulder bare from the tiny fucking black dress she wore. that uncontainable joy in the act so innocent and thoughtless, so loving and childlike in hindsight was immediately disappointing to me.
i locked eyes with her just before and as soon as my face came away and i locked eyes again in fear of her reaction which was this odd sort of shock, and then the immediate realization that my boyfriend was just three feet away talking to someone, that he must have seen... the thought just broke it into something insidious, something mean and nasty to have done... and maybe it was something mean to do, because it true- i just wont deny even to him how much i find her attractive, how frustrated it makes me that shes so unattainable. how though he might be attractive and i might find something very different in him something ill never see in her... but FUCK. she has such tame eyes but its the steps delicate deliberate things like legs are so fucking important, like she might fall down if she doesn't plant each one. that's hard not to notice its hard not to watch her walk. its this sort of torture, fuck her, damn her. ... always.
i locked eyes with her just before and as soon as my face came away and i locked eyes again in fear of her reaction which was this odd sort of shock, and then the immediate realization that my boyfriend was just three feet away talking to someone, that he must have seen... the thought just broke it into something insidious, something mean and nasty to have done... and maybe it was something mean to do, because it true- i just wont deny even to him how much i find her attractive, how frustrated it makes me that shes so unattainable. how though he might be attractive and i might find something very different in him something ill never see in her... but FUCK. she has such tame eyes but its the steps delicate deliberate things like legs are so fucking important, like she might fall down if she doesn't plant each one. that's hard not to notice its hard not to watch her walk. its this sort of torture, fuck her, damn her. ... always.