The Unwilling Machine
What you once thought was forever
Now ends in frayed rememberances,
Catching hold of your tomorrows
And falling with increasing speed.
I suppose it was foolish of me to make this my home. To become comfortable in the hallway. I can feel the beginning of this end. Can start hearing the pathway calling my name and see the keys turning in rusty locks. So I'm rising to my feet to meet my challenges head on. I will not meet these laying down. No one thinks I will make it, do they? Well to that I say, you will not see me fly if I do not first take that fateful step out of the nest; do not struggle my way out of the cocoon. And that is what I am doing. I'm beginning to metamorphize into what I will become. I have a great many things to think about, yes. But that does not mean my head is going to implode or I will scream and bash my face into the wall. I feel confident. More so than I have in my entire life. As if I could step faithfully into the blinding light outside of that closed door and be unafraid of what will envelop me there. I have been better to my body these past days than I have in months, years, perhaps decades. I don't know how long that trend will continue nor am I going to force the issue, but it is so. So it will be. One day by one day by one day cycling to my next. That is all I have is one day to the next. Reality is more of a mind fuck than any drug I could take or any bender I could go on. I've been sentenced to life, not to slow decay and eventual death, so i will make of it what I can. I am going to go about it with gusto. I'm already mentally packing my things and taking down the vestiges of home that I have been forced to recreate here to make myself avoid insanity. Mentally I am beginning this. I have made my statements, informed those who need to know, and done my house cleaning. Now the process is underway. The great machine has been prepped and is warming up for it's slow awakening. When it finally groans to an unwilling start I will not have anything in my way - not myself, the others, the family, or the staff here. The plans will be laid. I know who my allies are and am reminded every day in small ways by their actions who are not. It is not my place to tell you. You will figure it out for yourselves. I mean no offense, my friends. Someday, when I am strong enough, I will be back. But for now my character is too porous and full of holes to sieve out what is all right for me and what is not. When I have mended my damaged soul and heart I will reemerge in your lives - or not as the case may be for some. I stay away in love. Remember that.
Now ends in frayed rememberances,
Catching hold of your tomorrows
And falling with increasing speed.
I suppose it was foolish of me to make this my home. To become comfortable in the hallway. I can feel the beginning of this end. Can start hearing the pathway calling my name and see the keys turning in rusty locks. So I'm rising to my feet to meet my challenges head on. I will not meet these laying down. No one thinks I will make it, do they? Well to that I say, you will not see me fly if I do not first take that fateful step out of the nest; do not struggle my way out of the cocoon. And that is what I am doing. I'm beginning to metamorphize into what I will become. I have a great many things to think about, yes. But that does not mean my head is going to implode or I will scream and bash my face into the wall. I feel confident. More so than I have in my entire life. As if I could step faithfully into the blinding light outside of that closed door and be unafraid of what will envelop me there. I have been better to my body these past days than I have in months, years, perhaps decades. I don't know how long that trend will continue nor am I going to force the issue, but it is so. So it will be. One day by one day by one day cycling to my next. That is all I have is one day to the next. Reality is more of a mind fuck than any drug I could take or any bender I could go on. I've been sentenced to life, not to slow decay and eventual death, so i will make of it what I can. I am going to go about it with gusto. I'm already mentally packing my things and taking down the vestiges of home that I have been forced to recreate here to make myself avoid insanity. Mentally I am beginning this. I have made my statements, informed those who need to know, and done my house cleaning. Now the process is underway. The great machine has been prepped and is warming up for it's slow awakening. When it finally groans to an unwilling start I will not have anything in my way - not myself, the others, the family, or the staff here. The plans will be laid. I know who my allies are and am reminded every day in small ways by their actions who are not. It is not my place to tell you. You will figure it out for yourselves. I mean no offense, my friends. Someday, when I am strong enough, I will be back. But for now my character is too porous and full of holes to sieve out what is all right for me and what is not. When I have mended my damaged soul and heart I will reemerge in your lives - or not as the case may be for some. I stay away in love. Remember that.