(no subject)
so once again i need to vent on livejournal cause for some reason...i feel like no one will find out....but then i also feel like its out for the world to know...they just have to search for it if they want to know whats really going on in my life.
im bummed schools starting again cause that means a lot of things change...well for one...my life. but the joys of summer and the relationship with my boyfriend....and seeing my miller place girls. its just sad. but things between me and paul are getting complicated and my emotions are all twisted....its so confusing. i love the boy to pieces...but i doubt some things. i dont know to what extent our relationship will reach. and that scares me. obviously i dont want it to end...but all good things come to an end. so i guess i want to know when i do lose him i dont know why...maybe to prepare myself for it...or to find a way to keep him...i duno. hes going away in a year for college...but i dont know of his intentions at that time. i wont know until i ask...but the answer scares me. i just realized i can be tough...ive been told i have a boys mentality but im afraid of a lot of things. and im bottling that. maybe thats why i have so many issues. but back to paul...also my jealousy gets the best of me. ive learned to contain it to a point...but i think its naive that i dont want other girls around him cause thats inevitable. sometimes i get so jealous i create images of him cheating on me. i hope he never has...but i cant help myself. also the sexual aspects of our relationship have got me so confused that im not sure how to differentiate between what i want and what i know i should be doing. i get caught up in the acts and dont realize that i need to stop myself because i dont know how far is too far for me yet.
sometimes i want to be single too. sometimes i feel like what harm would it do to hook up with one guy. or if we broke up now i would stop myself from the hurt for when he leaves for college. but i know id rather be with him. and now schools almost here...we are going to see each other less...and thats not gonna make me feel so great cause ill miss him too much. why is everything so complicated.
im intrigued to see where my track abilities take me this year. i really wanna do great. but im afraid that with all this commitment to different things...that my grades will suffer. but yeah i need to get into college so this is my ticket. i just hope theres not too much track drama this year. gayyyy. hate drama. but im gonna have such a hard time juggling school, nhs, track, paul, friends, flute, choir. god. im gonna be a mess...but colleges will love me. haha.
alright ill vent more later. have to run. literally.
<333
im bummed schools starting again cause that means a lot of things change...well for one...my life. but the joys of summer and the relationship with my boyfriend....and seeing my miller place girls. its just sad. but things between me and paul are getting complicated and my emotions are all twisted....its so confusing. i love the boy to pieces...but i doubt some things. i dont know to what extent our relationship will reach. and that scares me. obviously i dont want it to end...but all good things come to an end. so i guess i want to know when i do lose him i dont know why...maybe to prepare myself for it...or to find a way to keep him...i duno. hes going away in a year for college...but i dont know of his intentions at that time. i wont know until i ask...but the answer scares me. i just realized i can be tough...ive been told i have a boys mentality but im afraid of a lot of things. and im bottling that. maybe thats why i have so many issues. but back to paul...also my jealousy gets the best of me. ive learned to contain it to a point...but i think its naive that i dont want other girls around him cause thats inevitable. sometimes i get so jealous i create images of him cheating on me. i hope he never has...but i cant help myself. also the sexual aspects of our relationship have got me so confused that im not sure how to differentiate between what i want and what i know i should be doing. i get caught up in the acts and dont realize that i need to stop myself because i dont know how far is too far for me yet.
sometimes i want to be single too. sometimes i feel like what harm would it do to hook up with one guy. or if we broke up now i would stop myself from the hurt for when he leaves for college. but i know id rather be with him. and now schools almost here...we are going to see each other less...and thats not gonna make me feel so great cause ill miss him too much. why is everything so complicated.
im intrigued to see where my track abilities take me this year. i really wanna do great. but im afraid that with all this commitment to different things...that my grades will suffer. but yeah i need to get into college so this is my ticket. i just hope theres not too much track drama this year. gayyyy. hate drama. but im gonna have such a hard time juggling school, nhs, track, paul, friends, flute, choir. god. im gonna be a mess...but colleges will love me. haha.
alright ill vent more later. have to run. literally.
<333