Losing Faith in a Friend
Tonight I realized just how undependable Evan is. At the band banquet I asked him how his trip to Georgia was and he replied saying that he had ended up not going. At this I was angry because I knew he hadn't been at the jazz ensemble concert and now knew he had actually been able to go but still didn't go. He explained that he had planned on going...that he even talked to other people about going AND set an alarm on his phone so he'd remember...but his phone was on silent. *sigh* I still can't forgive him, though. He is in college now and should be mature enough to be able to remember to be somewhere!
After thinking about this for a while, I realized that this was not the first time he'd missed a performance of mine. Back in October, I had told him that flute ensemble was going to be playing at a departmental and he said he'd be there to hear us (me!)...I didn't take it personally when he didn't show up. I figured he forgot or something came up...as it turned out, he had remembered AT 4:15 (when we went on stage to perform) and got to Whitley at 4:25, completely missing us. He felt bad, but I forgave him and waved it off as nothing, assuming he'd faithfully attend every other performance I had coming up in the semester.
I was mad when I found out he was planning to go to Georgia and would be missing the jazz concert. But taking these two instances into consideration, I also remembered that after we broke up, he consistently forgot to go to church because I didn't text him to remind him anymore.
So, tonight, after the band banquet I texted him and said "are you coming to church or do i need to remind you?" and he replied saying "i'm coming." I put faith in him and rehearsed the music for the mass, expecting him to show up right at 9 or a few minutes late...but he never showed up. That was it. After mass I texted him saying "i'm starting to think i can't depend on you to be anywhere." He still hasn't responded...and who knows - maybe he never will? It's not like I can expect him to...since he's so undependable...
In conclusion, for the first time in the past three weeks of healing and eventual recovery, I thought to myself: I am so glad I am not with him anymore. What a relief it is to be able to say that! Of course I miss what we had...but I'm glad that my happiness is no longer dependent on someone whom I can't trust to be there when I need him.
On that note, I am so incredibly thankful for my friends who have been there for me all those times Evan wasn't; for all the times I asked Marisa or Sydney to be somewhere AND THEY WERE; for Ramona, my mom's high school bff, who drove all the way from Greensboro to come see me in my jazz concert! It is hard being at school so far away from home...knowing that I'll never see my mom or dad's face in the audience as I stand up to take a solo, in those rare moments of spotlight in my one and only college career. I know that if they could be there, they would be in a heartbeat...but since they can't be, I am so grateful for my "family" here. I just wish that Evan understood how much it meant to me for him to be there for me. He has one more shot at redemption - the elan concert is the Thursday after Thanksgiving break...If he shows up I will be ecstatic and absolutely thrilled. ...and if he doesn't show up?...well, I'm not sure what I'll do, but I know I'll feel a drop in my stomach...the feeling of finality when you realize that no matter how much someone means to you, they will simply never be there.
Let's hope for the best, shall we?
Here's to hope,
Kaitlyn
After thinking about this for a while, I realized that this was not the first time he'd missed a performance of mine. Back in October, I had told him that flute ensemble was going to be playing at a departmental and he said he'd be there to hear us (me!)...I didn't take it personally when he didn't show up. I figured he forgot or something came up...as it turned out, he had remembered AT 4:15 (when we went on stage to perform) and got to Whitley at 4:25, completely missing us. He felt bad, but I forgave him and waved it off as nothing, assuming he'd faithfully attend every other performance I had coming up in the semester.
I was mad when I found out he was planning to go to Georgia and would be missing the jazz concert. But taking these two instances into consideration, I also remembered that after we broke up, he consistently forgot to go to church because I didn't text him to remind him anymore.
So, tonight, after the band banquet I texted him and said "are you coming to church or do i need to remind you?" and he replied saying "i'm coming." I put faith in him and rehearsed the music for the mass, expecting him to show up right at 9 or a few minutes late...but he never showed up. That was it. After mass I texted him saying "i'm starting to think i can't depend on you to be anywhere." He still hasn't responded...and who knows - maybe he never will? It's not like I can expect him to...since he's so undependable...
In conclusion, for the first time in the past three weeks of healing and eventual recovery, I thought to myself: I am so glad I am not with him anymore. What a relief it is to be able to say that! Of course I miss what we had...but I'm glad that my happiness is no longer dependent on someone whom I can't trust to be there when I need him.
On that note, I am so incredibly thankful for my friends who have been there for me all those times Evan wasn't; for all the times I asked Marisa or Sydney to be somewhere AND THEY WERE; for Ramona, my mom's high school bff, who drove all the way from Greensboro to come see me in my jazz concert! It is hard being at school so far away from home...knowing that I'll never see my mom or dad's face in the audience as I stand up to take a solo, in those rare moments of spotlight in my one and only college career. I know that if they could be there, they would be in a heartbeat...but since they can't be, I am so grateful for my "family" here. I just wish that Evan understood how much it meant to me for him to be there for me. He has one more shot at redemption - the elan concert is the Thursday after Thanksgiving break...If he shows up I will be ecstatic and absolutely thrilled. ...and if he doesn't show up?...well, I'm not sure what I'll do, but I know I'll feel a drop in my stomach...the feeling of finality when you realize that no matter how much someone means to you, they will simply never be there.
Let's hope for the best, shall we?
Here's to hope,
Kaitlyn