venting...sorry...
several things that i want to vent & i cant on my xanga bc of the people that read it. its nice to be able to type out my feelings like this but if some people read certain things i want to write, it would cause so much havoc. & i cant have any more drama than my life has already had. drama drama, my name is carey's life. i dont mind drama, but i havent had any in a while & so life has been good. it's been smooth...ive been able to take my own ups & downs easily. but now i feel like a bad friend for many reasons. 1) ive always had the policy that im always there for someone if they have a problem & need to talk. well, Jesse called & i was in a meeting but then when i got out, i didnt call her back bc i was on my way out again. & she needed me...& talking to me afterwards just wasnt good enough. so i feel like im neglecting her bc i wasnt there like ive always said i was gunna be. & then we forgot kristy for the kegger. & it was my fault bc i told her about it & then forgot to get her. so i feel bad about that too. & shes mad at me & left me a heartbreaking message on my yahoo. so that made me feel like an even worse friend cause i knew she would welcome the break from studying:* & shes asleep so i cant even apoligize. then lets see...what else. oh yah. i feel like a bad girlfriend bc i was getting the guilt trip from dice & jenn over the fact that sam & i dont always say hi to each other if we're like in the cafeteria. like ill see him & they're like oh theres your boyfriend. & im like ok. & then they are like u ought to go say hi. & i dunno, maybe i should? but at the same time im like y should i. i know hes there, i know he exists...if he walks by me then of course ill say hi but must i feel the need to walk all the way across the cafe. just to say hello? when chances are ill talk to him later in the day/if not see him? how many of you think i should? i mean, we are able to be seperated. it is possible to have one without the other. & on my part, i dunno about his, but im so used to not having my significant other there that its kinda different & still takes getting used to. & also, im so used to being independent that its really hard for me to remember that there is someone else there. & the same goes for him to a certain extent. but im just so used to it being only me & that now to adjust to me+one is odd. so yah...but this is so hard to explain to people. to people who hate time apart. yah, i hate time apart but i mean, i can do it. i dont have to in contact with him every single minute of the day...some days im good with just a hi & like nothing else. now there are days where i need more but if im really busy & hes busy, a 5 minute conversation can go a long way over 2 days. just not too often lol. so yah. tis just frustrating to have people bothering me about it all the time. all relationships are different & this one definately is. meh. then what else. hmm...oh! speaking of boyfriends, or at least exes, i talked to glen yesterday. well, talking being a funny word. it was a normal conversation, how are you, good, whats new, not much, etc. told me a little bout his trip to cali. oh yah, btw, we're speaking again...i decided it was ok, finally let go of all the anger & bitterness i felt, apoligized & now we are becoming friends again. very slowly, borderline painful for me. i mean, im not anti him bc of what almost happened. i realzie it was my fault too & so i share the blame. & im just so glad to be out of that situation, still wondering whatever possessed me to be in it. but i do finally forgive him. lately ive been going thru a lot of issues in my life, things ive been holding onto that i felt like i needed to let go of & havent. & i realized that theres been hatred in my heart that hasnt been good & has been getting in the way of my life/relationship now. like, bc i was just so mad about his betrayal, its been really hard for me to trust sam like i ought to. which we all know leads to a road of trouble. & so yah, i finally felt like it was getting in my way of moving on. & also, theres been some other stuff in my life ive felt the need to give up. like some music that hold memories & has really been keeping me down. its really hard to explain but like, (now, theres nothing really wrong with this music btw...im not opposd to other ppl listening to it, it just creates problems for me) my linkin park cds. i only listened to them when i was mad or upset at something in a relationship...& when i was so mad at glen they were my comfort source. & i just felt like every time i saw them, those feelings re-earthed. so i finally gave them up, after much encouragement. i trashed them one night. so yah, im doing a lot of reevaluation/cleaning of my life...:)