Second guessing

[bananabread99]

Will you do me a favor and read 477 words for me?

Let me know what you think.

I'm sort of in freakoutI'mnevergoingtogetintocollege mode. I think we all go through it. But really. I think that feedback will help me and then I'll have the courage to actually submit my Common App.

Comments

[doctor_roffles]

Yeah, I'm freaking out too. I just started these impossibly monolithic essays on Saturday. How the hell am I supposed to define who I am as a mathematician when I'm just in Calc III? Pauling still thought he'd be a soldier when he was in high school. Colleges are amped up so much these days...

Anyway. Your essay! It's a good essay. Actually, it's great. Conclusion really has some zazz. Middle paragraph is a bit weak, though; if you look over any part of this essay again and do some stylistic tweaks/remodeling, I'd do so there. Especially when you describe Sam. Brevity is the soul of wit, and while there are times that a set of 3 characteristics really adds emphasis... I wouldn't say this is one of those times. Still... The essay starts out strong and it ends even stronger, so I wouldn't overanalyze it and rip it to shreds. Your voice really really shines through the piece, and I think admissions officers will smile at it. I did! Definitely should pique some interest. Great job! :D

Oh, by the way. This is Aaron. From English class for the last 2 years. I must have added you after you got your Facebook or something. I dunno if I ever said hi on LJ, tho. Salutations.

[his_master_plan]

Sooo... (I can never resist reading and editing...)
You vary your sentence structure very little, and that makes the essay seem simplistic. You use good rhetorical devices, but few, and repeat them. so it sounds overdone. one example of this is you use of listing. no "and" before the last noun phrase, just comma comma comma. a lot of that is in the middle paragraph, and that's why it sounds "weaker", i think. because you have the same sentence over and over with different words. You see what I mean? If you don't, please tell me and i'll try to explain it better.
<3 M

P.S. good luck on your college stuff! i'm sure you'll do great.