Second guessing

[bananabread99]

Will you do me a favor and read 477 words for me?

Let me know what you think.

I'm sort of in freakoutI'mnevergoingtogetintocollege mode. I think we all go through it. But really. I think that feedback will help me and then I'll have the courage to actually submit my Common App.

Comments

[doctor_roffles]

Yeah, I'm freaking out too. I just started these impossibly monolithic essays on Saturday. How the hell am I supposed to define who I am as a mathematician when I'm just in Calc III? Pauling still thought he'd be a soldier when he was in high school. Colleges are amped up so much these days...

Anyway. Your essay! It's a good essay. Actually, it's great. Conclusion really has some zazz. Middle paragraph is a bit weak, though; if you look over any part of this essay again and do some stylistic tweaks/remodeling, I'd do so there. Especially when you describe Sam. Brevity is the soul of wit, and while there are times that a set of 3 characteristics really adds emphasis... I wouldn't say this is one of those times. Still... The essay starts out strong and it ends even stronger, so I wouldn't overanalyze it and rip it to shreds. Your voice really really shines through the piece, and I think admissions officers will smile at it. I did! Definitely should pique some interest. Great job! :D

[his_master_plan]

Sooo... (I can never resist reading and editing...)
You vary your sentence structure very little, and that makes the essay seem simplistic. You use good rhetorical devices, but few, and repeat them. so it sounds overdone. one example of this is you use of listing. no "and" before the last noun phrase, just comma comma comma. a lot of that is in the middle paragraph, and that's why it sounds "weaker", i think. because you have the same sentence over and over with different words. You see what I mean? If you don't, please tell me and i'll try to explain it better.
<3 M

P.S. good luck on your college stuff! i'm sure you'll do great.

[fruit_loop_234]

jillian this essay is adorable.
i do agree that middle paragraph is a bit weak. but then again overanalyzing it could kill the mood of the essay, so i would look over that bit. i can definitely tell it was you who wrote this, your voice is so dominant, and damnit you are spunky. i think that the admissions officers will have enormous smiles on their faces.
i ♥ you!

[tellkarin]

that is an incredible topic for an essay, something I'm sure they've never seen and what you've done with it is lovely.
what you have to do is put more you in it. I know thats hard seeing that you only have 25 words to play with, but colleges want to know about you, why this book shaped you, the story behind the story if you will. I wouldn't crop and chop the middle essay, it has great research detail that proves that your ready for college level thinking, but I would suggest a little bit of trimming and adding in some you. So intsead of saying "Sam is" say "Like Sam, I am also..." its a play on words too.

you got this college thing in the bag m'dear.

[bananabread99]

thank youuuuu

that is brilliant; i think i shall play with it.

[wintercomeearly]

you get ten points because you've actually started and finished a college essay. you get another ten points because you're jillian and i love you. and you get eighty points for having a kickass essay.

(that's 100 points!)

[bananabread99]

Not to brag, but I've started and finished three!! I'm proud. Only like eight more to go...

[wintercomeearly]

well now i feel like crap. haha, just kidding. you've inspired me to get started.

[fatefellshort16]

you would-i love it-its going to stick out for sure, in a good way