Needle In The Hay
Now on the bus
Nearly touching this dirty retreat
Falling out 6th and powell a dead sweat in my teeth
Gonna walk walk walk
Four more blocks plus one in my break
Down downstairs to the man
He's gonna make it all ok
I can't beat myself
I can't beat myself
And I don't want to talk
I'm taking the cure so I can be quiet
Whenever I want
So leave me alone
You ought to be proud that I'm getting good marks
Today I've been making time pass since 6.30 AM this morning when I woke up. I've watched Viva La Bam, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, cartoons and The Royal Tenenbaums. Hearing Elliott Smith's song "Needle in the Hay" made me all melancholic. I love the song, though, and The Royal Tenenbaums was a really good movie, I'd never seen it before.
Heh, the reason I woke up at 6 in the morning is cause I've been having great lacks of sleep lately. I fell asleep yesterday in my room with the lamp and computer turned on (probably the TV too, since I don't remember turning it off) at like 1 AM and then I woke up 6.30. I guess I know why I can't sleep. It's my paranoia, mixed with sadness from the break-up (and the fact that a certain girl is doing everything to avoid me now and seems like she never wants to speak to me ever again, and it seems like she wants to throw away all those 3 years of knowing me in the dumpster), annoyment of not having enough money to do stuff and being scared off mom.
Cause I am scared. I am scared dad will suddenly drop dead and I'll have to live with her. Of course I never would allow that to happend and it's highly unlikely he'll drop dead now since he's only 53 years old. But still, I am scared. Mom texted me yesterday saying something like "I don't lie, I remember everything I've ever said correctly, and you're a liar to tell me I've said things I haven't and I wish you wouldn't spend time with liars". Thanks for that horoscope-update. I'm chilling on it though, somehow. Cause there's nothing else I can do. I want to run away, of course. And never ever come back. But I can't.
I've gotten my ticket to go see Kill Hannah in October with Carla now. I'm excited, I hope they don't suck. I don't remember how much I've listened to them in the past, really..
Fuck. I'm sad. I even cried whilst watching The Royal Tenenbaums. And I dunno how to cheer myself up.
I've decided to start dieting again since I'm kinda already on/off not eating. And I wanna lose weight. Even if it's shit, I do. Blah.
Though, hopefully I'll eat pizza this afternoon. Haven't really eaten much today so far, so...
Might go grilling this afternoon with Solberg and Amanda and more people. But I doubt that'll happend.
xoxo Caroline