better!
I haven't had a nightmare since my last entry. I feel a lot better. I did have a very interesting dream last night though!
It was a little bit scary, granted, because we were at the top of a ladder that was doubtlessly going to kill me if I fell. Thank god this didn't turn into a falling dream, I think I would have spazzed like no tomorrow. Well anyway we were in some kind of karate work out type class, and people just started getting naked. Even old women, they were like "well I feel so much better now." It wasn't sexual at all, they were just all...getting naked. Comfortable with their bodies. And I talked to my counselor about it today and decided that I want to be like that old woman. Wrinkly and worn by time, but still comfortable with my body because it's just me. Not that I necessarily want to be old and ugly. I'm just noticing more and more that there's nothing wrong with my body, even if it's not perfect. A lot of people are much worse off (in my opinion, and again, it's all relative what is and isn't 'perfect') and still comfortable. I envy them--but I'm getting there!
We also talked about coping mechanisms. I was so happy to find out how much better I'm doing, and so was my therapist, she sounded really shocked when she heard some of the clear-minded things that I said. I talked about how now I could act on things that I felt, like when I wanted a friend, I would have the courage to actually text them, and I have a lot more friends now--not just because they can tolerate me now, but because I can tolerate them. Everything seems to be coming into a balance... It feels wonderful. For some reason I still have a stomach ache right now, haha, I guess that's unrelated, but emotionally, I feel good!
There's something I need to clear up though, there is still someone I want to kill. I still feel like if it's the last thing I do, I will kill them. What do I do about this feeling?
Til next time.
It was a little bit scary, granted, because we were at the top of a ladder that was doubtlessly going to kill me if I fell. Thank god this didn't turn into a falling dream, I think I would have spazzed like no tomorrow. Well anyway we were in some kind of karate work out type class, and people just started getting naked. Even old women, they were like "well I feel so much better now." It wasn't sexual at all, they were just all...getting naked. Comfortable with their bodies. And I talked to my counselor about it today and decided that I want to be like that old woman. Wrinkly and worn by time, but still comfortable with my body because it's just me. Not that I necessarily want to be old and ugly. I'm just noticing more and more that there's nothing wrong with my body, even if it's not perfect. A lot of people are much worse off (in my opinion, and again, it's all relative what is and isn't 'perfect') and still comfortable. I envy them--but I'm getting there!
We also talked about coping mechanisms. I was so happy to find out how much better I'm doing, and so was my therapist, she sounded really shocked when she heard some of the clear-minded things that I said. I talked about how now I could act on things that I felt, like when I wanted a friend, I would have the courage to actually text them, and I have a lot more friends now--not just because they can tolerate me now, but because I can tolerate them. Everything seems to be coming into a balance... It feels wonderful. For some reason I still have a stomach ache right now, haha, I guess that's unrelated, but emotionally, I feel good!
There's something I need to clear up though, there is still someone I want to kill. I still feel like if it's the last thing I do, I will kill them. What do I do about this feeling?
Til next time.