(no subject)
So there's a chance I may be pregnant.
On Wednesday night, the condom split. And I mean, really split. It looked like the whole top half had torn right off. Almost exactly twelve hours later, J and I were in the walk-in clinic at the hospital.
And... it was nice to have the doctor and the nurse telling me that I was very wise being so careful, and while it was sort of gratifying that they seemed surprised that I was so well-informed and knew what I was doing - they obviously expected me to be someone who wasn't very careful, and who did this sort of thing often. Who was in there because she was stupid.
J stayed in the waiting room and apparently his previous attitudes towards abortions changed, even though we weren't there yet. He told me later that he now sees why women kick up so much fuss about them, about why it is a woman's choice.
I'm still worried though. The pill is supposed to be 95% effective. I was due on my period on Saturday... and didn't come on until Monday afternoon. I know the pill can affect when you come on your period, and can make it lighter - which it seems to be. But... I'm feeling slightly ill, whether from worrying about this or because I'm so tired from work.
And work is killing me. I'm just doing the same stuff over and over again and I'm losing my focus, which I know is bad and I feel really guilty for it but it's just getting way too much and it's a repeat of the last three holiday I've had - working full time and not able to do anything I want to. But I can't complain about it because Boss and Mrs Boss work there all the time. I know it's their business and not mine so I shouldn't have to wear myself out over it, but it's really beginning to get me down. And the other girl who works for them has been getting less hours, and I've been working full time... despite asking for less hours at the end of last holiday.
I just... I feel like shit all the time at the moment. I spend all my time feeling tired or ill or miserable and I don't like it at all. And I can't talk about it with anyone because I don't want to be accused of whining or being a drama queen. And this pregnancy thing is just the cherry on top of the cake.
J's getting most of the brunt of this and I feel really bad because he's got enough of his own crap to deal with. But who can I tell? I can't tell my mum about the accident because she'll do her usual thing where she'll shout at me because she's scared and worried, and then she'll get upset, and then she'll calm down and try and help me but I'll just get lots of serious talks and pointed comments and what could be dealt with in a matter of weeks will be dragged on for months and months.
It occurred to me the other night that perhaps I could talk to V about it, because if anyone would be willing to listen and help, V would. She's as good as family, and she would know how to deal with this because of her own experience, but S has been taken into hospital and she'll be worried sick about him - I can't dump this on her right now.
I've spent the last few days feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment, except last Friday, when J and I just lounged in the park together. I'm so tired and I feel like I can't take it any more. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so healthy, so I could faint or get sick or have a legitimate reason to call in sick or not go to work.
And I hate that when I go over to visit J I start feeling territorial with R and now L. They get to see him so much more than me, they're getting to do more with him, and they've had so much more time to do what they want to. And then I feel bad thinking about that and complaining about work because they're looking for jobs still, but when R makes pointed comments about stuff she does for J when I'm not around, about how she makes him wonderful meals and watches the football with him, and about how she and L have lived with him now and know what he's like all the time more than me... I hate that it rubs me up the wrong way. I know he doesn't like them and that they don't like him, but it just gets to me that because of my work, I'm missing all their in-jokes, and then when I say anything about it I get told to stop complaining because at least I've got a job. And then I just feel bad, because I am lucky I've got a job, even if it is slowly wearing me down. So I go to work and don't complain to my boss, I just keep working.
And the worst part is when I'm there and they start planning stuff they're going to do together - like go to the pub or plan to get totally rat-arsed at home - or with Housemate 1 when she's down... stuff they could do while I'm there, but they wait until after I've gone, or I'm leaving... and then when I say that I've missed it, they all turn around and go "That's because you're never here!"
And that takes us back to the work thing.
And I've still not actually done anything for Fresher's Fair. I've just talked about it and talked about it. I gave Secretary a job to do but she never got back to me on it... phoned her today to try and see how she'd done and she hadn't started yet. And I'm beginning to think the pens aren't going to happen which is really upsetting because I had massive hopes for them - they were going to be a major part of attracting people to our stand. But I keep asking Chris and he's always forgotten them, and then I feel bad about bothering him because I know my attention's been drifting and I'm not sure who's at fault any more. Me for being shit at my job or him for not giving me the hours I asked for last holiday. So even when I go back to Uni I'm not going to get a break because I've got to phone up all the bars, because I know Secretary's not going to do it, and I've got to make the member cards and the bar crawl tickets and I've got to sort out the stuff for the first week and I want to organise the society library as well. And I've got to book the rooms and the equipment for the term, and I can't remember where room booking is.
It just seems that the minute I get something done, something else comes up.
And being at home is just... not fun. Because I'm largely the low-maintenance child, before it wasn't a problem.
But now, it's got to the point where there's no food in the house that I actually like. Lots of stuff for the Brother or the Parentals, but they've stopped shopping for me... I've been back three months, you'd think some habits would have picked up again.
And I just keep thinking of that one day when I got back from work, Mum had had the day off, and I had to make my own dinner... While mum was there... but she put the dinner on for Brother, even though Brother had slept all day and then wasn't going to be back until 8 from Rugby training. But I was there, she was there.
And it's beginning to feel like that most days, and maybe it's just because I'm tired that I'm thinking that. It probably is. And I feel bad then because they're not doing it on purpose, they're probably not doing it at all, I'm just being oversensitive and seeing things.
And E, I've not seen E for days. I miss her, and she keeps texting me, obviously wanting to do stuff and I feel bad for turning her down, I feel like I'm turning into H, and I can't keep track of who I am any more, and I've got too many people to try and do stuff for and she's getting left out - which is really bad because she's got no-one to keep her company, she's just at home on her own all day.
And sometimes I don't feel like I can say to J that I can't come over one weekend because I want to see her, or something... I feel bad for letting him down, and I do want to see him... I just hate feeling like I've disappointed him, or anyone, but that's all I seem to be doing at the moment. And apparently for a while, because even though he says it's okay, I know he hated that I was away so much last year. I hated it too... I tried to avoid it, but he doesn't seem to believe me. He says he does but then sometimes he asks me if I'm going to be away so much again, and the other night he outright accused me of planning to stay away... And I know he doesn't mean it and that makes him sound really terrible and he's not, he's really not. And he's probably going to read this some day and it'll make him feel terrible and I'm really sorry, I just... I want to get this out. This was only going to be short but it's just kept going and I think I need to say it all.
I hate to think that I've just let everyone down. And I'm beginning to feel like all my friendships and stuff have suffered because I've not been around enough because of work or my family or stuff. My Housemates next year are like strangers, almost. J's are too. I've seen my friends from school maybe six times at most since we left. I feel so cut off and I hate it.
I just want to cry and cry, which is so melodramatic it makes it grimace to write it but I do.
And I'm really sorry, everyone. I really, really am.
On Wednesday night, the condom split. And I mean, really split. It looked like the whole top half had torn right off. Almost exactly twelve hours later, J and I were in the walk-in clinic at the hospital.
And... it was nice to have the doctor and the nurse telling me that I was very wise being so careful, and while it was sort of gratifying that they seemed surprised that I was so well-informed and knew what I was doing - they obviously expected me to be someone who wasn't very careful, and who did this sort of thing often. Who was in there because she was stupid.
J stayed in the waiting room and apparently his previous attitudes towards abortions changed, even though we weren't there yet. He told me later that he now sees why women kick up so much fuss about them, about why it is a woman's choice.
I'm still worried though. The pill is supposed to be 95% effective. I was due on my period on Saturday... and didn't come on until Monday afternoon. I know the pill can affect when you come on your period, and can make it lighter - which it seems to be. But... I'm feeling slightly ill, whether from worrying about this or because I'm so tired from work.
And work is killing me. I'm just doing the same stuff over and over again and I'm losing my focus, which I know is bad and I feel really guilty for it but it's just getting way too much and it's a repeat of the last three holiday I've had - working full time and not able to do anything I want to. But I can't complain about it because Boss and Mrs Boss work there all the time. I know it's their business and not mine so I shouldn't have to wear myself out over it, but it's really beginning to get me down. And the other girl who works for them has been getting less hours, and I've been working full time... despite asking for less hours at the end of last holiday.
I just... I feel like shit all the time at the moment. I spend all my time feeling tired or ill or miserable and I don't like it at all. And I can't talk about it with anyone because I don't want to be accused of whining or being a drama queen. And this pregnancy thing is just the cherry on top of the cake.
J's getting most of the brunt of this and I feel really bad because he's got enough of his own crap to deal with. But who can I tell? I can't tell my mum about the accident because she'll do her usual thing where she'll shout at me because she's scared and worried, and then she'll get upset, and then she'll calm down and try and help me but I'll just get lots of serious talks and pointed comments and what could be dealt with in a matter of weeks will be dragged on for months and months.
It occurred to me the other night that perhaps I could talk to V about it, because if anyone would be willing to listen and help, V would. She's as good as family, and she would know how to deal with this because of her own experience, but S has been taken into hospital and she'll be worried sick about him - I can't dump this on her right now.
I've spent the last few days feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment, except last Friday, when J and I just lounged in the park together. I'm so tired and I feel like I can't take it any more. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so healthy, so I could faint or get sick or have a legitimate reason to call in sick or not go to work.
And I hate that when I go over to visit J I start feeling territorial with R and now L. They get to see him so much more than me, they're getting to do more with him, and they've had so much more time to do what they want to. And then I feel bad thinking about that and complaining about work because they're looking for jobs still, but when R makes pointed comments about stuff she does for J when I'm not around, about how she makes him wonderful meals and watches the football with him, and about how she and L have lived with him now and know what he's like all the time more than me... I hate that it rubs me up the wrong way. I know he doesn't like them and that they don't like him, but it just gets to me that because of my work, I'm missing all their in-jokes, and then when I say anything about it I get told to stop complaining because at least I've got a job. And then I just feel bad, because I am lucky I've got a job, even if it is slowly wearing me down. So I go to work and don't complain to my boss, I just keep working.
And the worst part is when I'm there and they start planning stuff they're going to do together - like go to the pub or plan to get totally rat-arsed at home - or with Housemate 1 when she's down... stuff they could do while I'm there, but they wait until after I've gone, or I'm leaving... and then when I say that I've missed it, they all turn around and go "That's because you're never here!"
And that takes us back to the work thing.
And I've still not actually done anything for Fresher's Fair. I've just talked about it and talked about it. I gave Secretary a job to do but she never got back to me on it... phoned her today to try and see how she'd done and she hadn't started yet. And I'm beginning to think the pens aren't going to happen which is really upsetting because I had massive hopes for them - they were going to be a major part of attracting people to our stand. But I keep asking Chris and he's always forgotten them, and then I feel bad about bothering him because I know my attention's been drifting and I'm not sure who's at fault any more. Me for being shit at my job or him for not giving me the hours I asked for last holiday. So even when I go back to Uni I'm not going to get a break because I've got to phone up all the bars, because I know Secretary's not going to do it, and I've got to make the member cards and the bar crawl tickets and I've got to sort out the stuff for the first week and I want to organise the society library as well. And I've got to book the rooms and the equipment for the term, and I can't remember where room booking is.
It just seems that the minute I get something done, something else comes up.
And being at home is just... not fun. Because I'm largely the low-maintenance child, before it wasn't a problem.
But now, it's got to the point where there's no food in the house that I actually like. Lots of stuff for the Brother or the Parentals, but they've stopped shopping for me... I've been back three months, you'd think some habits would have picked up again.
And I just keep thinking of that one day when I got back from work, Mum had had the day off, and I had to make my own dinner... While mum was there... but she put the dinner on for Brother, even though Brother had slept all day and then wasn't going to be back until 8 from Rugby training. But I was there, she was there.
And it's beginning to feel like that most days, and maybe it's just because I'm tired that I'm thinking that. It probably is. And I feel bad then because they're not doing it on purpose, they're probably not doing it at all, I'm just being oversensitive and seeing things.
And E, I've not seen E for days. I miss her, and she keeps texting me, obviously wanting to do stuff and I feel bad for turning her down, I feel like I'm turning into H, and I can't keep track of who I am any more, and I've got too many people to try and do stuff for and she's getting left out - which is really bad because she's got no-one to keep her company, she's just at home on her own all day.
And sometimes I don't feel like I can say to J that I can't come over one weekend because I want to see her, or something... I feel bad for letting him down, and I do want to see him... I just hate feeling like I've disappointed him, or anyone, but that's all I seem to be doing at the moment. And apparently for a while, because even though he says it's okay, I know he hated that I was away so much last year. I hated it too... I tried to avoid it, but he doesn't seem to believe me. He says he does but then sometimes he asks me if I'm going to be away so much again, and the other night he outright accused me of planning to stay away... And I know he doesn't mean it and that makes him sound really terrible and he's not, he's really not. And he's probably going to read this some day and it'll make him feel terrible and I'm really sorry, I just... I want to get this out. This was only going to be short but it's just kept going and I think I need to say it all.
I hate to think that I've just let everyone down. And I'm beginning to feel like all my friendships and stuff have suffered because I've not been around enough because of work or my family or stuff. My Housemates next year are like strangers, almost. J's are too. I've seen my friends from school maybe six times at most since we left. I feel so cut off and I hate it.
I just want to cry and cry, which is so melodramatic it makes it grimace to write it but I do.
And I'm really sorry, everyone. I really, really am.