I'm a clutz with words..
So, today I was going to make plans with Tarah, on the account that I'm in Alliston, but she said that whatever we did it had to be before 4 o clock, and its 2:36 now, so.
Besides, things are pretty heavy, I couldnt explain everything to her in an hour or something, it's just too hard, I dont know.
And the conversation was complete garbage, too. She asked 'How are you', and I said 'whatsup' at the same time, she didn't answer, and then I said 'nothing' in response to her question, which doesnt make any sense whatsoever.
And then she asked if I just got up and I laughed, because I thought she meant 'did you just WAKE up', but of course she meant 'did you jsut get to Alliston' (duh) and then I laughed and said 'no, I mean, yeah, yeah we did.' And then I jsut gave up and watched Feris Beuellers Day Off.
*sigh
And then I was reading my comics, because I AM A LOSER LIKE THAT.
In other news.
It's official; we're moving to Stouffvile, from Alliston, which really, really, really sucks. I mean, I know that I've moved from here paartly, but completely wouldnt be right. I've lived here since I was born.. I guess all things change; the decision really i out of my hands, anyways. It's not like I can tell him to stay, my one oppertunity I threw away. But I REALLY could not go to school there, it's horrible. Really, really, bad. God, it outright sucks. Everyone here is a clone, and the people who arent clones are clones of ME. I mean, the most original person in the class is Emily, and we're the exact same, so I could never be my own person. At least with my new friends we're alla bit different. Kate thinks that this means we shouldnt be friends (everyone should have somethings in common to TALK to eachother in her opion, seriously), but I highly doubt it. Opposites attract, correct? Bummer, though, as in... wow.
He said that we're moving in the summer, but I have the feeling that it's going to be sooner then that.. everything is being packed up in a storage unit and I have to 'tidy up' this weekend, which means throw out all the junk and put the sell-a-ble stuff in a huge box for the garage sale in two weeks. So, pretty soon, I'll be in a gross new city, which probably doesnt even light up at night, and even if it did, I doubt that my dad will ever let me wander in it. God, I wish that I had my old friends back. We owned the city at night.
I dont know, I guess good things could come out of moving; I mean, maybe we'll get sympathy presents, or maybe there will be a really nice girl on the block, or boy, and maybe we can arrange something where we go see dad more often. He said that he might move to Brantford. This is a lie and a half.
The thing is, I bet he would have stayed if Lisa didnt move in. Because if she didnt, he would still be frinds with all the other guys, and then he wouldnt be so lonely after Maddie leaves. Theres no reason why he has to move away, especially to Stoufville, because its equally far away from work, us, and other things like maybe SANITY?!? But it's 4 times far away from all the guys that apparently ruined Lisa's life.
I guess I sympathize her in a way. But she can be really mean at times. So I guess that the saying 'what you give is what you get' comes around. I mean, screaming at my dad for HALF AN HOUR about ME, when I'm sitting right out there? That's just not right. Sorry. It isnt.
I guess I should stop by Tarah's, if not for like a second, or call her, or something... I dont know. She wont want to go to the park, and as I said, I need to talk about really heavy stuff. I mean, theres the whole cutting issue, the love thing, the personality issue, moving, Lisa, my new friends, Kate, Ben, drugs, and sex.
Wow, things really DO suck, don't they? Not to mention the fact that my dad's bankrupt, AND he's been planning to move for a long time, just not telling us.
Paul McCartney--where are you...
I've been sitting here lsitening to his Wings album for hours. I am his most dedicated fan, I swear to God. No one else can handle this. It's too.. lovey-dovey, especially in my condition. God, I should really message Tarah or something..
thats what I'm doing. Im thinking about mesaging emily and summer too, it's been too long.
I messaged her, saying that if now wasnt too late, we could still get together... I just dont know how to say no, do I? to be honest, I dont think that she really wants to see me, I'm not exactly very cool, or pretty, and we're not really alike anymore (God, Kate's getting to me). Maybe it's just my selfesteem getting to me, I should really snap out of it.
So I'm thinking about going around Alliston and taking pictures and stuff. I even considered taking red chalk and writing MISSY LOVES DANNY in front of his house. I mean, if I'm moving away and never coming back (why would I), I might as well, right?
So, I'll NEVER see Summer, or Emily, ever again. Huh. Wow.
I wonder how that would feel. Moving even farther away... Would they even care? Emily is miss Popularity, now, I can imagine how things are with Summer, I havent talked to her in forever, though. She's never online... Neither of them are. If I didnt know any better, I would think that they were avoiding me, or something. Well, I should call them or something, maybe message them... God, I'm so pathetic.
I wonder what having a real, true, best friend is like. I wonder how it feels.
I wonder how having a boyfirend feels, one that geniuinly cares about you, not your boobs or your ass or how good you look in your new school clothes, but someone who loves you for WHO YOU ARE.
I wonder how it feels to love someone for jus tthe person they are. (KMS?)
My legs hurt, my mind hurts, my heart hurts, and my record needs flipping.
Should I draw something? Should I play guitar? Should I do nothing? Should I read? Should I type up the poem about my brother--what I was supposed to do last week but put it off (obviously, thats my style). Or should I just stay on here, writing about what I should be doing. =l
This isnt going to work.
Perscription for modern day heart-break
Break out the Cohn-Levvingtahn.
Beatles Anthology will always help. Read. Listen to it.
www.memoryalmostfull.com/youtellme ...talk to Paul McCartney about it.
listen to a little Weezer. Guilty pleasures, but 'perfect situation' is alright for those losery feelings.
Spider man comics (see above comment)
Listen to music (Aaron Neville--Tell it like it is).
Write,
take pictures of yourself
make a movie.
You might as well get some creativity out of depression, I think, whether it be drawing or writing, or composing or just goofing around... Art is always a great medication.
good luck,
someone who loves you