All I Want for Christmas is You...
Its been uber long since my last update, so I apologize for the length. :S <3
So… it is 2:00 on Sunday, and I’m sitting in my very messy living room back at my apartment, watching Love, Actually and going to start laundry and homework soon. I’ve been meaning to write an update for awhile, and have no real excuses to why it wasn’t earlier. I procrastinate on my homework too much, watch too much QAF for how much I need to be getting done, and generally work more than I want to. I love both of my jobs (my co-workers are still awesome, and HCLA just moved to our new office! That was fun/hell, but it’ll turn into a wonderful space once we’re done getting settled) but I want to be able to have some more free time back with the family I formed last year; to just have a moment to go blah.. Damn this movie and not helping me improve my melancholy feelings.
Rationality shining thru- I know that if I used my time a bit more wisely, I’d be completely fine. Its like everything in my life is an arm and a half length away, and I’m swirling around, spinning faster and faster, lunging out and trying to grab onto those chances at supreme happiness, and they always escape me.
I think I might be getting better tho. I’m working on going more in depth with topics I’m passionate about instead of being really surface-minded/superficial. I’m becoming more comfortable with myself, mentally/emotionally and physically, and being OK with where that is. I’m starting to figure out why I think and believe what I do, and my spiritual ideologies are lining up a bit more. I just really really really miss my friends aka family.
Other updates: if you haven’t seen me in the past month, I’ve gotten my hair cut (pictures to be uploaded soon…) and ears pierced. Its part of my comfortable-with-self transition. I really like how both turned out, so now my shorter hair and the 3 new holes in my head are enjoying the shocked looks on people’s faces as we run into them. My part on the 11th was sooooo much fun!! It was great to actually hang out and chat with friends more than the little bits during passing or in classes. Hangin’ out with Laura was really awesome; its still a bittle weird to not see her all the time like over the summer. Went to my first college football game; Laura and I went to watch the band, which we did, and then left after half-time. Great job all you MB crazies!
This week/weekend was especially hard. Tuesday marked the unofficial anniversary of the worst day of my life, and Wednesday was the official one. It honestly still hasn’t completely sunk in. Its like, I know that it did, as life keeps happening and he’s not here for it. I still think I see him places, I see his traits in people I pass. I hear a funny quote and want to tell him, because he’s one of the few people that would understand the humor. I purdy much just don’t let myself think about it… not healthy, but it’s a coping thing for now. Therapy is helping, but… I dunno. I was waiting for the WABC Wed morning before work, and I just started crying. I made myself stop, as I was getting some really odd looks for randomly bursting into tears. We were unpacking stuff at work, so I just kinda went into a daze, did my shift, and left. Everyone was in kinda a weird mood, so I don’t think I was too noticeable. All I really wanted was to be able to see my friends and hug them really tight, like last year without the freshness of it… I wanted to do something so show I still care; that I still do remember and love and hurt and miss… I wanted to go to Middlebrook to lay a flower on the ground, but couldn’t get to a florist… I was going to put one of his favorite snack mixes there instead, but once I got to about Ferguson, turned back because I couldn’t bear to cross that damn footbridge on that day at that time. Needless to say, Thanksgiving is no longer anywhere near my top of favorite holidays, vacations, or time of year in general.
On a slightly more positive note, my vacation was decent. I had some really wonderful times, and some times that reminded me why I no longer consider myself a part of my hometown. Breakdown:
Wed. nite, Actually had a good conversation with my parents. The drive home was rather arduous… 2 hours to get from my apt (downtown Mpls) to the MN/WI border.
Thursday meal at my aunt’s house was rather… ugh. My dad’s side of the family is comprised of many levels of hickishness. Some are boarding normal human beings, others are worse than Jeff Foxworthy. Examples: one of my cousins sounds/looks/acts freakishly like Jeff Foxworthy, and his favorite phrase for the evening was “That ain’t true!” and “She ain’t got none a’ them” (while referring to his “lil’ woman” and attribute she lacks with his nasty younger brother [who shared with us that he sometimes eats Ramen for every meal, including the shrimp flavored kind for breakfast]); another cousin has two children, the third on its way, all with different men. Both of the born ones are pure heathens, fat and loud and obnoxious in every sense of the word. Two of my other cousins were talking with their mom about the techniques of beer-bonging, and one of them actually said, when asked how school was going, that “It was going alright, but classes were interfering with her partying.” Oye. Needless to say, not the most fun day. Positives: got to play a bunch of cribbage with my grandpa and a cool uncle, and to chat with my grandma for awhile. Thurs nite, sporadically decided to go see RENT with James, and it was fanFUCKINGtastic. Wow… loved it. I have never seen it on stage, now want to even more than before, but just fell in love with it. it was great times, and it was wonderful to get a chance to talk with James again. My heart breaks for him… >sigh<
Friday, slept in til noon, cleaned, did some homework, set up for a Partylite show my mom hosted for me, and just kinda relaxed. Got a call from some HS friends to go to the bowling alley to hang out, so I went, and really did not have a good time at all. It was nice to see two of them again, but in general, nothing has changed, and those that bitched about hating high school are still under its control, and I don’t feel sorry for them because they need to make life happen instead of sitting around and waiting for it to happen to them. Grow up and move on, or stop bitching. Grrr…
Saturday was comprised of doing the PL show… it went really well, had a good guest turn out, but I could tell I was a bit rusty. Oh well; had a good time in general. Sat afternoon, went to the Anderson Thanksgiving feast, and it was so much fun. Had a great time talking to Sally, Katie, and Sam plus lil’ baby Kenny. Amazing food as well. Went to visit with Grandma for a while after that, then home to pack. Got up gawd-awful early this morning, and drove back home. Got back around 11, and it took us almost 30 min to get from the exit to our apt, which are only separated by 4 blocks. Damn Vikings game.
And here I sit. Its now 4, LA is done, and I’m going to be productive. I hope everyone has a very wonderful break, in whatever ways made you happy, and I want to hang out soon. I leave you with a brief list of things I am thankful for. Take care, and make it a great day! <3
~*~ My wonderful family composed of friends (family by choice, who stick by you through thick and thin) and family (family by blood, who try). I love you all, and I’m not sure what I’d do without you.
~*~ My health: my crappy immune system, cold sores, canker sores and little constant cough alike.
~*~ My amazing home, both the one B and I have created here, and the one I grew up in in Ladysmith. Hickville, in all your glory, you still do have some great aspects.
~*~ Unrequited love, and all the pain and happiness you bring.
~*~ Unconditional Love, in that I have it in amazing friends, and will have it someday with my special man.
~*~ Friends being happy with their lives, and bringing me joy through theirs.
~*~ Sparkly things: always amusing, beautiful, and help cheer me up when no one else is there.
~*~ Music, for inspiring me, and adding true beauty too expressive for words into my life.
~*~ Laughter, for its varied pitches, sounds and snorts, and the joy accompanied by it.
~*~ Freedom. Not the kind advertised about economic power, policitcal voice, etc (tho they are appreciated), but the kind that lets me be *me* and who I am. The power of having a support system that doesn’t give a fuck what I look like or wear, but care about who I am, what I read, how I think, what I believe in.
So… it is 2:00 on Sunday, and I’m sitting in my very messy living room back at my apartment, watching Love, Actually and going to start laundry and homework soon. I’ve been meaning to write an update for awhile, and have no real excuses to why it wasn’t earlier. I procrastinate on my homework too much, watch too much QAF for how much I need to be getting done, and generally work more than I want to. I love both of my jobs (my co-workers are still awesome, and HCLA just moved to our new office! That was fun/hell, but it’ll turn into a wonderful space once we’re done getting settled) but I want to be able to have some more free time back with the family I formed last year; to just have a moment to go blah.. Damn this movie and not helping me improve my melancholy feelings.
Rationality shining thru- I know that if I used my time a bit more wisely, I’d be completely fine. Its like everything in my life is an arm and a half length away, and I’m swirling around, spinning faster and faster, lunging out and trying to grab onto those chances at supreme happiness, and they always escape me.
I think I might be getting better tho. I’m working on going more in depth with topics I’m passionate about instead of being really surface-minded/superficial. I’m becoming more comfortable with myself, mentally/emotionally and physically, and being OK with where that is. I’m starting to figure out why I think and believe what I do, and my spiritual ideologies are lining up a bit more. I just really really really miss my friends aka family.
Other updates: if you haven’t seen me in the past month, I’ve gotten my hair cut (pictures to be uploaded soon…) and ears pierced. Its part of my comfortable-with-self transition. I really like how both turned out, so now my shorter hair and the 3 new holes in my head are enjoying the shocked looks on people’s faces as we run into them. My part on the 11th was sooooo much fun!! It was great to actually hang out and chat with friends more than the little bits during passing or in classes. Hangin’ out with Laura was really awesome; its still a bittle weird to not see her all the time like over the summer. Went to my first college football game; Laura and I went to watch the band, which we did, and then left after half-time. Great job all you MB crazies!
This week/weekend was especially hard. Tuesday marked the unofficial anniversary of the worst day of my life, and Wednesday was the official one. It honestly still hasn’t completely sunk in. Its like, I know that it did, as life keeps happening and he’s not here for it. I still think I see him places, I see his traits in people I pass. I hear a funny quote and want to tell him, because he’s one of the few people that would understand the humor. I purdy much just don’t let myself think about it… not healthy, but it’s a coping thing for now. Therapy is helping, but… I dunno. I was waiting for the WABC Wed morning before work, and I just started crying. I made myself stop, as I was getting some really odd looks for randomly bursting into tears. We were unpacking stuff at work, so I just kinda went into a daze, did my shift, and left. Everyone was in kinda a weird mood, so I don’t think I was too noticeable. All I really wanted was to be able to see my friends and hug them really tight, like last year without the freshness of it… I wanted to do something so show I still care; that I still do remember and love and hurt and miss… I wanted to go to Middlebrook to lay a flower on the ground, but couldn’t get to a florist… I was going to put one of his favorite snack mixes there instead, but once I got to about Ferguson, turned back because I couldn’t bear to cross that damn footbridge on that day at that time. Needless to say, Thanksgiving is no longer anywhere near my top of favorite holidays, vacations, or time of year in general.
On a slightly more positive note, my vacation was decent. I had some really wonderful times, and some times that reminded me why I no longer consider myself a part of my hometown. Breakdown:
Wed. nite, Actually had a good conversation with my parents. The drive home was rather arduous… 2 hours to get from my apt (downtown Mpls) to the MN/WI border.
Thursday meal at my aunt’s house was rather… ugh. My dad’s side of the family is comprised of many levels of hickishness. Some are boarding normal human beings, others are worse than Jeff Foxworthy. Examples: one of my cousins sounds/looks/acts freakishly like Jeff Foxworthy, and his favorite phrase for the evening was “That ain’t true!” and “She ain’t got none a’ them” (while referring to his “lil’ woman” and attribute she lacks with his nasty younger brother [who shared with us that he sometimes eats Ramen for every meal, including the shrimp flavored kind for breakfast]); another cousin has two children, the third on its way, all with different men. Both of the born ones are pure heathens, fat and loud and obnoxious in every sense of the word. Two of my other cousins were talking with their mom about the techniques of beer-bonging, and one of them actually said, when asked how school was going, that “It was going alright, but classes were interfering with her partying.” Oye. Needless to say, not the most fun day. Positives: got to play a bunch of cribbage with my grandpa and a cool uncle, and to chat with my grandma for awhile. Thurs nite, sporadically decided to go see RENT with James, and it was fanFUCKINGtastic. Wow… loved it. I have never seen it on stage, now want to even more than before, but just fell in love with it. it was great times, and it was wonderful to get a chance to talk with James again. My heart breaks for him… >sigh<
Friday, slept in til noon, cleaned, did some homework, set up for a Partylite show my mom hosted for me, and just kinda relaxed. Got a call from some HS friends to go to the bowling alley to hang out, so I went, and really did not have a good time at all. It was nice to see two of them again, but in general, nothing has changed, and those that bitched about hating high school are still under its control, and I don’t feel sorry for them because they need to make life happen instead of sitting around and waiting for it to happen to them. Grow up and move on, or stop bitching. Grrr…
Saturday was comprised of doing the PL show… it went really well, had a good guest turn out, but I could tell I was a bit rusty. Oh well; had a good time in general. Sat afternoon, went to the Anderson Thanksgiving feast, and it was so much fun. Had a great time talking to Sally, Katie, and Sam plus lil’ baby Kenny. Amazing food as well. Went to visit with Grandma for a while after that, then home to pack. Got up gawd-awful early this morning, and drove back home. Got back around 11, and it took us almost 30 min to get from the exit to our apt, which are only separated by 4 blocks. Damn Vikings game.
And here I sit. Its now 4, LA is done, and I’m going to be productive. I hope everyone has a very wonderful break, in whatever ways made you happy, and I want to hang out soon. I leave you with a brief list of things I am thankful for. Take care, and make it a great day! <3
~*~ My wonderful family composed of friends (family by choice, who stick by you through thick and thin) and family (family by blood, who try). I love you all, and I’m not sure what I’d do without you.
~*~ My health: my crappy immune system, cold sores, canker sores and little constant cough alike.
~*~ My amazing home, both the one B and I have created here, and the one I grew up in in Ladysmith. Hickville, in all your glory, you still do have some great aspects.
~*~ Unrequited love, and all the pain and happiness you bring.
~*~ Unconditional Love, in that I have it in amazing friends, and will have it someday with my special man.
~*~ Friends being happy with their lives, and bringing me joy through theirs.
~*~ Sparkly things: always amusing, beautiful, and help cheer me up when no one else is there.
~*~ Music, for inspiring me, and adding true beauty too expressive for words into my life.
~*~ Laughter, for its varied pitches, sounds and snorts, and the joy accompanied by it.
~*~ Freedom. Not the kind advertised about economic power, policitcal voice, etc (tho they are appreciated), but the kind that lets me be *me* and who I am. The power of having a support system that doesn’t give a fuck what I look like or wear, but care about who I am, what I read, how I think, what I believe in.