Death
The problem with death is that rarely does someone die without some amount of agony beforehand. Death would be so much easier to cope with if everyone just died in their sleep. One day, they were happy and going about a normal routine. Next day - dead. But the truth is that most people die with their health failing, parts of their body stop functioning properly, and for those around them, you're just left to wonder if this will be the last time you'll ever see them.
I think it's easier to cope with the death of a person rather than a pet. I don't think about my grandmother or grandfathers all that much and when I do, I don't cry about it. Perhaps I was just very removed from their deaths. I rarely visited my grandmother when she was ill and when I did see her during her brief stint with homecare, she couldn't really talk much more than curse words (the story goes that she cursed at my grandfather when she was very ill and my grandfather said, "Ah, THAT she remembers!"). I don't know if she remembered me. But by that time, she barely looked like the grandmother I knew and so she was a different person. The grandmother I knew had already died.
But I don't think I've gotten over my first dog dying. I saw her death as something completely preventable. I remember when she had cancer, how she was falling over, lagging behind, the big lump in her throat that made her wheeze. Dad was going to take her to be put down, but I begged for one more day. No more dog food - it was all ground beef and veggies - and she actually GOT BETTER!! She lived with us for five more years!! Then we went on vacation and we left her with my aunt. We told my aunt not to leave her outside by herself, that she wasn't used to the city. But my aunt didn't listen to us and my dog managed to break her leash and she was hit by a car. It was awful, a blow to my heart, to see her face that one last time. There was definitely a look of pain, the way her mouth was open, tongue between her teeth, that has been etched into my memory forever. And it was totally preventable. We had nursed her back from fucking cancer and this is what happens?!?! (I've never forgiven my aunt. Never.)
Mike doesn't know, or maybe he does, but I've been crying myself to sleep since Thanksgiving. It was an awful Thanksgiving. I felt so bad for being so rude to Mike's family, but after seeing Tina fall over and shiver, head down, not eating...It was my first dog all over again. Because I felt like this, too, was preventable. My parents had seen that bump on her face for over a month and they did NOTHING! I feel like my dad, in his retirement, is "saving his money" rather than spending it on the care and wellbeing of my dog. My parents just let that bump fester and it finally "popped" into an open wound when they went on vacation. THEN they decide, "hmm, maybe we should take her to the vet." The vet thought she had cancer, they did some tests, and it came back negative. But on her second visit to the vet, they again, thought her wound wasn't healing because she might have bone cancer and now there's a big lump on her leg.
I blame myself. I feel so guilty for going off to college and leaving her behind, for being a visitor of Tina's life for the past 7 years. That's a majority of her life. I feel like I love her more than anyone in my family and that I've squandered my time with her. I think these feelings are a majority of my own internal pain. That dog loved me so much and I just left her. SO SELFISH!! Her little face and ears pressed to the window as I walked back into the dorms for another fucking week! She missed me. You could tell. I feel so guilty and selfish. (I'll never forgive myself. Never.)
I thought Thanksgiving might be the last time I'd ever see her. She looked so sad and so ill. And now I feel lucky and grateful to see her again today, but now I fear this might be the last time. I think that every time I'll visit her, I'll feel like it might be the last time. It's so scary, so painful, so dreadfully depressing.
I don't understand why dying has to be so wretchedly cruel. My little dog has been such a good girl, such a good friend, and she's always in my thoughts and in my heart, even when I was away at college. Even when I moved in with Mike. Even when I married him. I know that everything dies, but I wish that this time, it didn't have to be like this. I want to know that Tina was happy and painless when she finally dies, not in the condition she is now. For her sake, not mine. For her.
I think it's easier to cope with the death of a person rather than a pet. I don't think about my grandmother or grandfathers all that much and when I do, I don't cry about it. Perhaps I was just very removed from their deaths. I rarely visited my grandmother when she was ill and when I did see her during her brief stint with homecare, she couldn't really talk much more than curse words (the story goes that she cursed at my grandfather when she was very ill and my grandfather said, "Ah, THAT she remembers!"). I don't know if she remembered me. But by that time, she barely looked like the grandmother I knew and so she was a different person. The grandmother I knew had already died.
But I don't think I've gotten over my first dog dying. I saw her death as something completely preventable. I remember when she had cancer, how she was falling over, lagging behind, the big lump in her throat that made her wheeze. Dad was going to take her to be put down, but I begged for one more day. No more dog food - it was all ground beef and veggies - and she actually GOT BETTER!! She lived with us for five more years!! Then we went on vacation and we left her with my aunt. We told my aunt not to leave her outside by herself, that she wasn't used to the city. But my aunt didn't listen to us and my dog managed to break her leash and she was hit by a car. It was awful, a blow to my heart, to see her face that one last time. There was definitely a look of pain, the way her mouth was open, tongue between her teeth, that has been etched into my memory forever. And it was totally preventable. We had nursed her back from fucking cancer and this is what happens?!?! (I've never forgiven my aunt. Never.)
Mike doesn't know, or maybe he does, but I've been crying myself to sleep since Thanksgiving. It was an awful Thanksgiving. I felt so bad for being so rude to Mike's family, but after seeing Tina fall over and shiver, head down, not eating...It was my first dog all over again. Because I felt like this, too, was preventable. My parents had seen that bump on her face for over a month and they did NOTHING! I feel like my dad, in his retirement, is "saving his money" rather than spending it on the care and wellbeing of my dog. My parents just let that bump fester and it finally "popped" into an open wound when they went on vacation. THEN they decide, "hmm, maybe we should take her to the vet." The vet thought she had cancer, they did some tests, and it came back negative. But on her second visit to the vet, they again, thought her wound wasn't healing because she might have bone cancer and now there's a big lump on her leg.
I blame myself. I feel so guilty for going off to college and leaving her behind, for being a visitor of Tina's life for the past 7 years. That's a majority of her life. I feel like I love her more than anyone in my family and that I've squandered my time with her. I think these feelings are a majority of my own internal pain. That dog loved me so much and I just left her. SO SELFISH!! Her little face and ears pressed to the window as I walked back into the dorms for another fucking week! She missed me. You could tell. I feel so guilty and selfish. (I'll never forgive myself. Never.)
I thought Thanksgiving might be the last time I'd ever see her. She looked so sad and so ill. And now I feel lucky and grateful to see her again today, but now I fear this might be the last time. I think that every time I'll visit her, I'll feel like it might be the last time. It's so scary, so painful, so dreadfully depressing.
I don't understand why dying has to be so wretchedly cruel. My little dog has been such a good girl, such a good friend, and she's always in my thoughts and in my heart, even when I was away at college. Even when I moved in with Mike. Even when I married him. I know that everything dies, but I wish that this time, it didn't have to be like this. I want to know that Tina was happy and painless when she finally dies, not in the condition she is now. For her sake, not mine. For her.