A Day in the Life
Hi?
Its been a while. Awkward. (what if I was serious). ANYWAYS. Wow last time I updated was mid-way thru Costa Rica. Whats happened since then? Well the rest of the program went by. Which meant tests, getting closer to my new bio-nerd friends (dad was right I developed some lifelong friendships over there), lived at my homestay and had a little brother and little sister (I was finally the oldest sibling! It felt awesome, finally knowing what its like), traveled to Penas Blancas and back (most intense hike of my LIFE), did my research on pollen diversity between hummingbirds and nectarivorous bats in Monteverde (which meant mist-netting for them both at dusk and dawn and catching and handling hundreds of them-FUCKING AMAZING), writing my 27 page research paper and presenting it at the symposium, traveling to Arenal Volcano, Zarcero, and going back to San Jose with the group. Program ends. We laugh, we cry, we say "I'm gonna miss you a lot" over and over. We experience it all and Sean and I leave Hotel Cacts to take a taxi to the airport. The taxi having like, 5 air refresheners inside it and on our way to the airport Sean and I have a talk on who we liked, didn't like, and who we wanted to talk more to, concerning people in our program. Good times.
When I got to the airport Brendan scared me in front of luggage and though it was nice reuniting with my family, it was quite odd and awkward. Being home for those 2 weeks post-Costa Rica was not. Fun. At. All. It wasn't just the reverse culture shock knocking on the door and kicking my ass, it was also just the being-thrown-back-into-normal life kinda deal. Wasn't really ready for it, what I was ready for was Santa Cruz and reuniting with my friends up there, who I also like to consider family, my family. Being in LA for those 2 weeks proved to me that I'm just not that into it anymore, I don't like the place, a lot of the people, their intentions and priorities, and just what they're doing or lack thereof. I've lost those connections, those solid foundations, possibly because I've changed. Or like what my friends up here in SC have said, I've "matured" and just "grown up" but still the same me. So I'm happy that not ALL of me has changed. And yeah I've lost weight, but its not from being anorexic, bitch please. I worked HARD to get where I am today, I've been working hard and dedicated since summer to just be healthy and fit. I mean come on, I'm young. I don't want to be this age and unfit and not happy with who I am. I can get away with being quick and agile and hyperactive now, so I'm going to take full advantage of that option and do what I can to be healthy! And its working, even when I stretch it feels absolutely diviiiine. I just feel so much better its odd. Oh so New Years was fun too. My friends and Brendan's friends all over and all of us just getting drunk and having a great time :). Another epic New Years indeed. Days later I was all packed up and ready to leave LA for SC. Shusuke picked me up and we drove up in his dad's pickup truck!! Aw memorable road trip, it was fun. So we get up there and I spend the weekend at Pac Shores as Sean and Sara are moving their stuff in at our new place on Grandview St! ITS SO NICE. I love it. We partied with Tricia and David that weekend and just caught up on partying that I missed with them last quarter.
I finally move into my place, get my OWN room all nice and set up 'n shiiiiiet. School started soon after I got here. Right on the 6th I had 2 classes. I'm taking Animal Physiology + lab, Behavioral Neuroscience, and Music of Modern Israel. I'm loving the classes and the teachers. Though MoMI can be kind of dull. I'm REALLY happy I have that class with Chau. I have Animal Physiology with Terrie Williams and I sit with Christine, Cristina, and Marcus everyday, so I have a little bit of Costa Rica with me all the time. Reverse culture shock is pretty much gone, but I still wonder if its still here and there or if I use it as an excuse for when I'm feeling out of it or odd or just not as content as I thought I would be here. Who knows. Oh and I realized I REALLY hate liking people and "playing the game" with someone, its not fun and I always get hurt, so Sean, maybe you learned something about 4 years ago from this time or didn't. But remember that everything is going to be ok. Ugh. I just want to be happy, I don't know why thats so hard for me to experience. Sure I experienced the happiest I've ever been in Costa Rica. Knowing what its like to be happy with who you are, with people that love you no matter what, with a job that you would like to do for the rest of your life, and in an environment that you were developed perfectly for? I thought I had it all. And then I came back to Santa Cruz and realized there was one thing missing from that (what seemed like) pristine part of my life: someone to be happy with. Ever since I've been back in SC its been hell because thats all I want: someone to be happy with. Living here, and especially living with a happy couple, makes it even harder to deal with.
So I've been going through, day by day just trying to take it easy and have time answer the question: "Is it mutual? Or can it ever be mutual?" Torture. Thats all it is. Times like these I hope the saying "you have to walk through hell to experience heaven" is true. I can only hope so, and put myself out there even more to see if theres a response. Hopefully I'll capture their attention. I'm tired of using the "Oh I'm too busy with school" excuse, its not even true, even with my two upper division bio classes (that I NEED As in because my dad is friends with Terrie and my other prof knows my last name and knows of my dad-oh god). Will anything ever happen? Does this person like me back? Are my friends right with the "just take it slow" approach? See this is what I've been going throuuuuuugh its not fun. But I am loving SC more than LA, but a lot less than CR. Agh. BUT. The friendships I've developed up here in SC have become even better because a solid foundation has been set, we talk about our deep feelings and stuff that connects us, and I never really had that back at home? Eh, thats life I guess.
So Sara has left for Costa Rica, leaving Sean and I all by ourselves.....Wooooo party!!!!! Just kidding kids, we love Sara and miss her a lot. Sean and I are always fatting around but we're allllwaaaaaysss laughing and just having a ridiculous time whether we're just sitting around or studying intensely for a midterm the next day. Oh and I've been going to the gym after class on Tuesday and Thursdays, its a good routine, but I want to go one more time over the weekend but I never do. Booo. Whenever I get out of the gym it never coincides with the 20 schedule so I end up walking all the way back home from campus. Thats riiiiiight aaaalllll the way back home and it feels so nice! The walk is pretty nice too, through a eucalyptus (MYRTACEAE) forest. I love my neighborhood too. I miss last year at the apartments though, so content. And that last week of sophomore year :(. That was a good week. I miss not knowing that person. Ever since my life has just been some indirect rollercoaster of what?huh?why?when?WHAT? Its shitty. But Costa Rica happened and that was definitely a lot more worth it, it was life-changing! So I shouldn't complain. And LA was so not life-changing that I'm staying up here all summer. Kara didn't like that, but she'll visit and I'll go down to visit her as well. Family? Uhh not so sure. Yeah I miss them a lot but I mean c'mon, I'm the total blacksheep in that family. Talk about awkward.
Well a lot more shits gone down since my last update. I've had the livejournal for 5+ years now. A little more entries and I'll get to 1000 entries, my goal for this livejournal. Technically I would be closer, but I cheated and actually physically wrote IN a journal in Costa Rica. Journaled every night there. Every memory accounted for. And for chagus? Who knows. Either way I'm gonna live my life from now on as if I did have it: only 20 years left to live so might as well pack it full of the best moments anyone could ever experience right? I'll be living pseudo-Chagly from now on.
I hope things look up.
I hope its mutual.
I just want to be happy... Lets do this.
Its been a while. Awkward. (what if I was serious). ANYWAYS. Wow last time I updated was mid-way thru Costa Rica. Whats happened since then? Well the rest of the program went by. Which meant tests, getting closer to my new bio-nerd friends (dad was right I developed some lifelong friendships over there), lived at my homestay and had a little brother and little sister (I was finally the oldest sibling! It felt awesome, finally knowing what its like), traveled to Penas Blancas and back (most intense hike of my LIFE), did my research on pollen diversity between hummingbirds and nectarivorous bats in Monteverde (which meant mist-netting for them both at dusk and dawn and catching and handling hundreds of them-FUCKING AMAZING), writing my 27 page research paper and presenting it at the symposium, traveling to Arenal Volcano, Zarcero, and going back to San Jose with the group. Program ends. We laugh, we cry, we say "I'm gonna miss you a lot" over and over. We experience it all and Sean and I leave Hotel Cacts to take a taxi to the airport. The taxi having like, 5 air refresheners inside it and on our way to the airport Sean and I have a talk on who we liked, didn't like, and who we wanted to talk more to, concerning people in our program. Good times.
When I got to the airport Brendan scared me in front of luggage and though it was nice reuniting with my family, it was quite odd and awkward. Being home for those 2 weeks post-Costa Rica was not. Fun. At. All. It wasn't just the reverse culture shock knocking on the door and kicking my ass, it was also just the being-thrown-back-into-normal life kinda deal. Wasn't really ready for it, what I was ready for was Santa Cruz and reuniting with my friends up there, who I also like to consider family, my family. Being in LA for those 2 weeks proved to me that I'm just not that into it anymore, I don't like the place, a lot of the people, their intentions and priorities, and just what they're doing or lack thereof. I've lost those connections, those solid foundations, possibly because I've changed. Or like what my friends up here in SC have said, I've "matured" and just "grown up" but still the same me. So I'm happy that not ALL of me has changed. And yeah I've lost weight, but its not from being anorexic, bitch please. I worked HARD to get where I am today, I've been working hard and dedicated since summer to just be healthy and fit. I mean come on, I'm young. I don't want to be this age and unfit and not happy with who I am. I can get away with being quick and agile and hyperactive now, so I'm going to take full advantage of that option and do what I can to be healthy! And its working, even when I stretch it feels absolutely diviiiine. I just feel so much better its odd. Oh so New Years was fun too. My friends and Brendan's friends all over and all of us just getting drunk and having a great time :). Another epic New Years indeed. Days later I was all packed up and ready to leave LA for SC. Shusuke picked me up and we drove up in his dad's pickup truck!! Aw memorable road trip, it was fun. So we get up there and I spend the weekend at Pac Shores as Sean and Sara are moving their stuff in at our new place on Grandview St! ITS SO NICE. I love it. We partied with Tricia and David that weekend and just caught up on partying that I missed with them last quarter.
I finally move into my place, get my OWN room all nice and set up 'n shiiiiiet. School started soon after I got here. Right on the 6th I had 2 classes. I'm taking Animal Physiology + lab, Behavioral Neuroscience, and Music of Modern Israel. I'm loving the classes and the teachers. Though MoMI can be kind of dull. I'm REALLY happy I have that class with Chau. I have Animal Physiology with Terrie Williams and I sit with Christine, Cristina, and Marcus everyday, so I have a little bit of Costa Rica with me all the time. Reverse culture shock is pretty much gone, but I still wonder if its still here and there or if I use it as an excuse for when I'm feeling out of it or odd or just not as content as I thought I would be here. Who knows. Oh and I realized I REALLY hate liking people and "playing the game" with someone, its not fun and I always get hurt, so Sean, maybe you learned something about 4 years ago from this time or didn't. But remember that everything is going to be ok. Ugh. I just want to be happy, I don't know why thats so hard for me to experience. Sure I experienced the happiest I've ever been in Costa Rica. Knowing what its like to be happy with who you are, with people that love you no matter what, with a job that you would like to do for the rest of your life, and in an environment that you were developed perfectly for? I thought I had it all. And then I came back to Santa Cruz and realized there was one thing missing from that (what seemed like) pristine part of my life: someone to be happy with. Ever since I've been back in SC its been hell because thats all I want: someone to be happy with. Living here, and especially living with a happy couple, makes it even harder to deal with.
So I've been going through, day by day just trying to take it easy and have time answer the question: "Is it mutual? Or can it ever be mutual?" Torture. Thats all it is. Times like these I hope the saying "you have to walk through hell to experience heaven" is true. I can only hope so, and put myself out there even more to see if theres a response. Hopefully I'll capture their attention. I'm tired of using the "Oh I'm too busy with school" excuse, its not even true, even with my two upper division bio classes (that I NEED As in because my dad is friends with Terrie and my other prof knows my last name and knows of my dad-oh god). Will anything ever happen? Does this person like me back? Are my friends right with the "just take it slow" approach? See this is what I've been going throuuuuuugh its not fun. But I am loving SC more than LA, but a lot less than CR. Agh. BUT. The friendships I've developed up here in SC have become even better because a solid foundation has been set, we talk about our deep feelings and stuff that connects us, and I never really had that back at home? Eh, thats life I guess.
So Sara has left for Costa Rica, leaving Sean and I all by ourselves.....Wooooo party!!!!! Just kidding kids, we love Sara and miss her a lot. Sean and I are always fatting around but we're allllwaaaaaysss laughing and just having a ridiculous time whether we're just sitting around or studying intensely for a midterm the next day. Oh and I've been going to the gym after class on Tuesday and Thursdays, its a good routine, but I want to go one more time over the weekend but I never do. Booo. Whenever I get out of the gym it never coincides with the 20 schedule so I end up walking all the way back home from campus. Thats riiiiiight aaaalllll the way back home and it feels so nice! The walk is pretty nice too, through a eucalyptus (MYRTACEAE) forest. I love my neighborhood too. I miss last year at the apartments though, so content. And that last week of sophomore year :(. That was a good week. I miss not knowing that person. Ever since my life has just been some indirect rollercoaster of what?huh?why?when?WHAT? Its shitty. But Costa Rica happened and that was definitely a lot more worth it, it was life-changing! So I shouldn't complain. And LA was so not life-changing that I'm staying up here all summer. Kara didn't like that, but she'll visit and I'll go down to visit her as well. Family? Uhh not so sure. Yeah I miss them a lot but I mean c'mon, I'm the total blacksheep in that family. Talk about awkward.
Well a lot more shits gone down since my last update. I've had the livejournal for 5+ years now. A little more entries and I'll get to 1000 entries, my goal for this livejournal. Technically I would be closer, but I cheated and actually physically wrote IN a journal in Costa Rica. Journaled every night there. Every memory accounted for. And for chagus? Who knows. Either way I'm gonna live my life from now on as if I did have it: only 20 years left to live so might as well pack it full of the best moments anyone could ever experience right? I'll be living pseudo-Chagly from now on.
I hope things look up.
I hope its mutual.
I just want to be happy... Lets do this.