~~~OH BOY WHERE TO BEGIN~~
Okay it's been a while since I have written which is strange because I have been through alot since then..Let's see..Well I am back at school now we all know that..Classes are going great..Well I have a new boyfriend..His name is Steven but I am not even going to begin to say that I am estatic..He is a great guy but maybe too great..Let's see so I am with him and not with Shane that is weird too..But alas I can't get over Shane..I don't even fucking know why, he has never given me a reason to fall head over heels in love with him..These past two months have been nothing but hurtful in that department..But he made me really rethink the whole situation when he came right out and said that he knew we wouldn't be together in two years..That really hurt..But then I started talking to Steven and I thought well here this will help and I will get over Shane but I didn't..I have already cheated on him with Shane..I dont know what the fuck my problem is, well actually I do...See Shane explained it to me and it makes perfect sense...See I was so happy everytime he was nice to me, touched me, or just out of the blue showed some sign of affection.I was so happy because he never did that so when he did it was so special..See Steven is like romantic overload, so I can't appreciate it like I did with Shane..I have also realized that I am very co-dependant...I need to be needed..Thats why I can never be single for long..I will have a boyfriend even if I am not happy with it just to say that I have someone..That's why I put up with Shane so long..But see now he has done things with Robin and getting ready to with some Sara girl and that hurts so much I don't think I could ever think of him in the same manner..I know it is unfair to be mad at him for this because I have a boyfriend..But he knows damn well that I still care and if he did say one day "let's be together" I would say yes without a second thought and never look back..I think I confuse alot of your friendly feelings for romantic ones..Shane is one of my best friends..He always makes me laugh and we have a great time together, but I have went and ruined it by falling in love with him..I would give anything to not feel that way but you can't help your feelings..I just wish that I could meet a guy who I had that much fun with and that many feelings for and a guy that felt that way about me too..Then I wouldn't worry about Shane and we could just be friends..We make much better friends anyways but my dumbass just can't let go..See I have always just blamed it on him..He was the one who talked about other girls and made me mad..He was the one who was content with just fucking, he was the one who was leading me on..But he's not..So now all my friends think he is so evil..But when I talked to him he even asked me, Did I ever tell you that I wanted an exclusive relationship? Did I ever lead you on? Did I ever be mean to you intentionally? And once I thought about it, he did none of those things..I put the idea in my own head..I was so bent on making this work that I didn't even realize that I was being compleatly pathetic..I am going to try so super hard now to just be his friend..To not get made about little things he does..To make up for all the stupid things that I complained about to everyone to make them think so badly of him..Because lets face it..he is a great friend..He really is..And that is all I can ask of someone who only wants to be that to me..I just wish that I had done things differantly with him..I wish that I hadn't just had sex with him, and that I gave him a chance to know me before that was all that he wanted from me...I am not saying that he used me for that not at all, he wants to be friends and I will have to learn to accept that..It's just hard because I know that friends slip apart and I don't want that to happen to us..I just look at how Travis and I are now..I never see or talk to him..I miss him..I miss his friendship..I don't want to ever have to be like that with Shane..Oh well..Not to mention Alex is driving me fucking nuts..Let's see where to begin..She is so fucking loud, and cocky..Her bf is always in the room..Even stays the night here..And ebonics overload to boot...Well anyways..I should prolly quit whining now and do some homework..Oh and another thing.My neopets account got frozen...Dammit 16 months down the drain...Okay I can already tell I am going to be a bitch today..