outline v4.05 - Dialogue!

[bakenius]

A good afternoon my dear readers,

What I have for you today is the first version of the script with dialogue. Yes, that's right. But I also know language isn't my strong point nor writing compact, witty, natural feeling dialogue that keeps consistent with the characters personality. I know many of you are strong in the English language and have read

Comments

[zolphia]

Right, on with the specifics. Generally speaking (eh, so that's not very specific) you say a lot of things explicitly in your dialogue that aren't needed. They make the people talk unnatural and the audience understands it anyway.

we meet Kaula playing with a little creature that is abruptly caught by a clan member
I probably don't have to say this, because you've thought of this yourself. But clearly the clan member didn't see that Kaula was playing with the birdie. So the birdie was probably moving away from her or something.

“ahh... some party, wasn’t it?”
I'd be more cheerful as well. The Chief is a happy guy and he constantly wants to cheer Kaula up as well, so more cheerfullness. Like "Now that was a wonderful party, wasn't it?". Also, I just feel like "some party" is something that teenagers used to say in the eighties.

Why are we erecting new statues father?
Does a young girl not only know but also use, the verb "erecting"? I'd just go with "building".

Well uhm, that’s the wish of our ancestors of course.No uhm. At this

[zolphia]

Tummy is full, so here we go again.

I guess because he’s too thick-headed. The whole island is, actually.
Not enough grumpy and again too many words. "He's too thick-headed, just like everybody else" is enough. It sounds grumpier, because "the whole island is, actually" sounds like someone stating a fact like "vitamin C is good for you, actually" or "Geert Wilders is a nasty guy, actually". I want less fact-stating and more complaining.

*dry* “Hello.”
The statue does have a dry, British sense of humour and he is an old guy. So I think he'd say the more formal "Good evening".

“I never seen a Moai speak before.”
You see someone speak. Shouldn't it be the same sense? Like "hear someone speak". (Also, it's either I've never seen or I never saw or Kaula has imperfect grammar).

“Well, I prefer not to these days. It is effort wasted”Again, it's so light. Like saying "these days I prefer apples instead of pears". I'd go with something like "Well, what's the point? These days it's just a waste of effort". ("effort wasted" sounds a bit too

[zolphia]

Clearly, I don't need to make lj-entries when I make comments this big.
Also, I have reached the maximum character length of 4300 (it was originally 6389 characters), so I had to cut it in two.

“Father? Father! We have to stop making statues! It’s really bad, you know, we use up all the trees to make them! Without we will starve!”
Again, explicit and not how a young girl would talk. I suggest something like: "Father? Father! You have to stop making statues! Because that needs trees, but the forest also needs trees and we need the forest, because without it we'll starve!"
Hyperactive young children tend to not be very coherent. Also she is asking him to stop making statues, instead of simply stating the fact that we as a people should stop.

looks glum to the miniature he’s holdingIn my mind, the Chief gives birdie, gift fails, he focuses on new gift: new statue. However, I'm not sure if either you've written out that last part or if the last part needs clarification. The link between new statue and new gift doesn't really seem to

[zolphia]

You were right, you know. Nobody wants to listen. They just don’t really believe it. Not as long as no one is starving, I guess…
Again, lots of explicitly stating what's going on. But in this case it's okay to have a bit of that. "Nobody wants to listen. Not while everything is going fine." implies that currently it's all good and that's what matters to them. Also, for a young girl, Kaula talks about starving a lot. I'd think she'd be a bit more hesitant to use that words, so I did not want to use it here. If you use it too often, it will lose some of its meaning and significance.

“Now you know for yourself. It’s hopeless.”
The "for yourself"-part is useless explicit-stating. A mere "Now you know." is much better.

You could have said something when my father was here.
I'd feel more comfortable with an informal "my dad". Or does she really always call him "father"? And a "You could have said something to my dad." will suffice.

“He seemed rather simple-minded…”Back to extra-grumpiness for the statue. I'd prefer "too simple-minded",

[zolphia]

I would have liked to see your face as you go online, curious about any feedback, click on your lj, see my massive comments, and go "oh, fuck". That would've been fun. Also, I didn't have the time to also spell-check everything. One glaring mistake obviously is:
"I don't think that Kaula knows that she shouldn't order"
Of course I mean that "I think Kaula knows that she shouldn't...".

On with scene 9! Oh, no dialogue either. How lovely.

My dear clan
Just use "people". It can be a tribe, a clan, a whatever. But in the end what really matters is that these are your people.

I had a vision…
Something weird just happened. I now actually want to add some explicit-stating and have him say "I had a vision from the ancestors themselves!". Visions and insights can happens without any supernatural-stuff. But if you want to keep things quickly-paces, you may not want to add anything.

…he’s going to stop making statues.The Chief isn't going to stop making statues; he's stopping the statues-making-process (as in, he doesn't do it, but stops

[damanique]

Holy crap, is there no end to your awesomeness? XD You could totally earn money being an editor for scripts and stories o_O; 'Cause that's what you're doing here, and you're doing a really good job. :D

[zolphia]

Holy crap, is there no end to your awesomeness?
Why thank you! My awesomeness is indeed an infinite plane.
But seriously, I still feel like my comments are just ramblings and rants.

You could totally earn money being an editor for scripts and stories o_O;
Or, you know, pick one of the many different jobs I can do with my study and earn money that way. Having a lot of possibilities aren't always good.
Still, getting to work on a story without having to do the actual writing is a win-win situation for me.

[bakenius]

I would have liked to see your face as you go online, curious about any feedback, click on your lj, see my massive comments, and go "oh, fuck". That would've been fun.

Well, I had a grin from ear to ear. This is great stuff. Not only did make really helpful suggestions for about every line, you also made arguments for all the changes! It's clear by now that you need a special spot at the credits. Just under 'special thanks to' will not suffice. ;)

I can go on about this in more detail tomorrow, now I'm off to the stripbeurs in Rijswijk.

[zolphia]

you also made arguments for all the changes!
Well of course! It's your story, you decide what happens. So I shouldn't just shout something, I should convince you. And for that one needs arguments.
But yeah, the dialogue as it was right now had a lot of issues. It reminded me of the first version of the story: the idea's good, but it still needs a lot of work refining. Which means that I had a lot of suggestions. Which means that I spend most of my Friday night on this (but by choice! and I enjoyed it too).

It's clear by now that you need a special spot at the credits. Just under 'special thanks to' will not suffice. ;)And now I'm grinning from ear to ear. It's a win-win situation

[bakenius]

So I shouldn't just shout something, I should convince you. And for that one needs arguments.
But yeah, the dialogue as it was right now had a lot of issues.

I just spend a hour implementing the proposed changes one by one, consciously deciding whether I agree with them, I really learn something new about writing. Especially the show and tell thing.

Which means that I spend most of my Friday night on this (but by choice! and I enjoyed it too).

That's a relief, so in that way I won't need to feel too guilty. ;)

1-3Lon: Hmmm... you both have a point. I like the idea of the Chief constantly coming up with gifts to win his daughter. But even he should realize by now that Kaula doesn't like statues and so he wouldn't bother with a new statue as a gift. This means that after the birdie, there isn't any room in the story for suggestions of more gift-giving.Hmmm... I never intended that the Moai miniature was a gift to Kuala when the Chief showed it to her. He was more looking for reaffirmation for his own happy doings. But in the

[zolphia]

Another reason why it's good to give arguments. If you don't just say that something's good, but also add the why, then people can actually learn from it.

Especially the show and tell thing.
I was surprised by that. Because it is one of the very basic rules in story-telling and you know how to apply it to the graphical part of your animation. But it was as if for the dialogue, you had just completely forgotten about it. Just goes to show the many different skills needed for a movie.

That's a relief, so in that way I won't need to feel too guilty. ;)But perhaps he should be presenting another gift there,A story needs to be compact, you can't add too many things. So either the Chief goes with statues or with a present. Some general thoughts about the two

[zolphia]

That's a relief, so in that way I won't need to feel too guilty. ;)But perhaps he should be presenting another gift there,

Grrr, lj, when will I be able to edit my comments?
What I meant to say was:
That's a relief, so in that way I won't need to feel too guilty. ;)
Though you can always give me cake to buy off any residual guilt. ;)

Cake-giving-implications are very important! I don't know how that got deleted.

And don't worry about the Chief not being very likable. You can see in the beginning that he tries, which is important, and he totally redeems himself in the end.

[zolphia]

There's one more thing that I was wondering about. The answer may be very obvious, but I'd still like to ask it anyway: why are you doing this in English and not Dutch?

[zolphia]

I didn't mean to make more comments, because I've already made so many. But in the end it's bloody difficult for me to keep my opinion to myself and, well, you did say you like arguments