*SigH*
Ladies and Gents,
I hope you are well, though most of us are fucked up right now. I still want to go away, but at the same time I want to have this big party and invite everyone I know.
Actually, I want to find myself a really big field that goes on for miles... Then stand in the middle and scream until my head explodes.
I have all this tention and no way to release it.
I have all this anger and no way to aid it.
I feel like I could take a harmless creature in my hands and squeeze the life out of it.
I feel like I wish the creature was me.
All this on the day I've been waiting for.. I'm going to see the Phantom of the Opera today.... My brother couldn't go, so Sean is taking me. Going with my brother would have been great, but going with Sean is exciting too.
I've been having strange dreams lately... Like last night. I had a dream that got up to the point where Sean was holding me up and he had a knife in his hand... And my goddamn mother woke me up before I could see if he was going to kill me or kiss me... Two nights ago I had a dream with certain parts in it.. All just images... Parts of my mind. I saw the crystal Jon gave me... Sean with a hammer... And myself adorned in a white dress, white lace gloves, and crowned with a veil. I also don't know how that one ended, probably as bloody as the one after it...
My head is pissing me off. The same little voice that says "you're going to marry that boy" is also telling me "he will never love you". What the hell am I supposed to do? I mean, yeah I know he never wants to marry me... Who would? Right? But... But it just seems so real right now, the way he treats me.. It's like he could love me but I know his actions mean nothing. He's not trying to tell me anything, he's just doing what he's used to...
God, am I still alive? How the hell have I held on this long?
I tell myself that I've accepted the fact that he's never going to love me but I HAVEN'T! OKAY!? I HAVEN'T!! It still digs into me like a vampiric blade, stabbing into my heart and draining the life out of me slowly and painfully. Sound like FUN!?
I'm glad he lost his internet so he can't read any of this.
................ I know he's not doing this on purpose.... And maybe he DOES actually plan to come back someday... But the chances are slim.
I... In fact... This he has already found someone else... Perhaps... But he's been warming up to me so much lately... Maybe he THOUGHT he found someone else and then just changed his mind? Who knows... I need to get myself out of this loop.
I need to get myself somewhere.
Mother
I hope you are well, though most of us are fucked up right now. I still want to go away, but at the same time I want to have this big party and invite everyone I know.
Actually, I want to find myself a really big field that goes on for miles... Then stand in the middle and scream until my head explodes.
I have all this tention and no way to release it.
I have all this anger and no way to aid it.
I feel like I could take a harmless creature in my hands and squeeze the life out of it.
I feel like I wish the creature was me.
All this on the day I've been waiting for.. I'm going to see the Phantom of the Opera today.... My brother couldn't go, so Sean is taking me. Going with my brother would have been great, but going with Sean is exciting too.
I've been having strange dreams lately... Like last night. I had a dream that got up to the point where Sean was holding me up and he had a knife in his hand... And my goddamn mother woke me up before I could see if he was going to kill me or kiss me... Two nights ago I had a dream with certain parts in it.. All just images... Parts of my mind. I saw the crystal Jon gave me... Sean with a hammer... And myself adorned in a white dress, white lace gloves, and crowned with a veil. I also don't know how that one ended, probably as bloody as the one after it...
My head is pissing me off. The same little voice that says "you're going to marry that boy" is also telling me "he will never love you". What the hell am I supposed to do? I mean, yeah I know he never wants to marry me... Who would? Right? But... But it just seems so real right now, the way he treats me.. It's like he could love me but I know his actions mean nothing. He's not trying to tell me anything, he's just doing what he's used to...
God, am I still alive? How the hell have I held on this long?
I tell myself that I've accepted the fact that he's never going to love me but I HAVEN'T! OKAY!? I HAVEN'T!! It still digs into me like a vampiric blade, stabbing into my heart and draining the life out of me slowly and painfully. Sound like FUN!?
I'm glad he lost his internet so he can't read any of this.
................ I know he's not doing this on purpose.... And maybe he DOES actually plan to come back someday... But the chances are slim.
I... In fact... This he has already found someone else... Perhaps... But he's been warming up to me so much lately... Maybe he THOUGHT he found someone else and then just changed his mind? Who knows... I need to get myself out of this loop.
I need to get myself somewhere.
Mother