My life is crap
Good Evening Ladies And Gents...
I hope you are all doing well. I am sitting here, alone, on the computer... Bored out of my mind, but excited too because I'll be going to go see The Phantom Of The Opera tomorrow. I was supposed to go with my brother, but he has a business meeting during it, so he wont be able to make it. Sean is taking me instead, that'll be neat and interesting. It's a formal occasion too, so it's like a date, but obviously not.
I find myself getting sad lately, and now I'm starting to get sick. It sucks, but I'm trying to get my head back up high. I miss things being easy... Oh well. There's really no hope for me for right now, all I can do is wait. I would go out and make something happen, but I don't really want anything to happen I guess. There's nothing that I want that I can have. Doesn't that blow? I think it does.
There are so many things that I want to express right now, but I can't.. I just can't. My heart is in a tantrum and it's not making any demands so there's no way to stop it. I know... No one cares. That's nothing new.
I want to go away for a while, but there's no where to go. And if I leave, who knows what would happen.. But I'm just so unhappy. I'm trying to make do with what I have but it's just not enough to keep me in high spirits. I miss my lover. Yes, I said it. I miss him... I miss my Sean. It's said... But that's all it is. I just wish.. I wish I could take back all the bad things that I did through the course of our relationship.. Though there weren't many, they were all horrible no matter WHAT they were and I just wish... I wish I could start over.. I wish I could erase our memories of ever being with each other so we could try again on a clean slate.. I wish.. I miss him so much... But I'm so happy when he's around, even if he isn't mine. I can be near him. I can hug him and play with him and talk to him... My mother told me that it doesn't matter if that certain person loves you back or not, that happiness can be drawn from my own love for another... And as I thought about it... It does make me happy that I still love him.. It still makes me smile when he's around, and the hugs are still tight.... I'm not ready for someone else, not for a long shot. But if need be, I hope I get there someday. I keep having these dreams that he comes back, but they're just dreams and I know that. I noticed that he's been being really nice to me lately and showing me a lot of affection, but I know it doesn't mean anything. Nothing means anything, why do I even bother to notice? I'm in so much pain and all I can do is just sit here and hold myself and cry because there isn't anything else. It isn't possible to do anything else with a feeling like this; it's not something that can be turned to productivity... It just makes me want to grab a knife and stab myself but I can't because I'm not that selfish. It makes me just want to curl up in a ball and stay there for hours just staring into the abyss as my mind races into dark, unknown places. I need help. I don't know what I need, but I need help. I don't know why I'm not healing from this. My heart should be fine but it's not. Every day is like the day after it happened... The day after it hit me that he was really gone. I may smile pretty when I need to but I'm fucking miserable.. Miserable..
Like anyone needs to be thinking about me anyway though, this whole thing is selfish of me. I can't ask for help because I know that everyone else has their own problems. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to try because I am directionless. I don't know where I want to go, but I know I don't want to stay here in this unhappy state. I need to move on from this broken heart but I just can't pick up the pieces and I just... GODD!!! I Don't understand it!! Why can't I do this?! WHY!?
..Why...
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!!!!!!!!!! THIS ISN'T HELPING EITHER, I'M VENTING BUT I'M NOT FEELING BETTER BECAUSE THIS ISN'T GOING TO GET ANYTHING DONE!!!!
I think I need to be left alone.
Mother
I hope you are all doing well. I am sitting here, alone, on the computer... Bored out of my mind, but excited too because I'll be going to go see The Phantom Of The Opera tomorrow. I was supposed to go with my brother, but he has a business meeting during it, so he wont be able to make it. Sean is taking me instead, that'll be neat and interesting. It's a formal occasion too, so it's like a date, but obviously not.
I find myself getting sad lately, and now I'm starting to get sick. It sucks, but I'm trying to get my head back up high. I miss things being easy... Oh well. There's really no hope for me for right now, all I can do is wait. I would go out and make something happen, but I don't really want anything to happen I guess. There's nothing that I want that I can have. Doesn't that blow? I think it does.
There are so many things that I want to express right now, but I can't.. I just can't. My heart is in a tantrum and it's not making any demands so there's no way to stop it. I know... No one cares. That's nothing new.
I want to go away for a while, but there's no where to go. And if I leave, who knows what would happen.. But I'm just so unhappy. I'm trying to make do with what I have but it's just not enough to keep me in high spirits. I miss my lover. Yes, I said it. I miss him... I miss my Sean. It's said... But that's all it is. I just wish.. I wish I could take back all the bad things that I did through the course of our relationship.. Though there weren't many, they were all horrible no matter WHAT they were and I just wish... I wish I could start over.. I wish I could erase our memories of ever being with each other so we could try again on a clean slate.. I wish.. I miss him so much... But I'm so happy when he's around, even if he isn't mine. I can be near him. I can hug him and play with him and talk to him... My mother told me that it doesn't matter if that certain person loves you back or not, that happiness can be drawn from my own love for another... And as I thought about it... It does make me happy that I still love him.. It still makes me smile when he's around, and the hugs are still tight.... I'm not ready for someone else, not for a long shot. But if need be, I hope I get there someday. I keep having these dreams that he comes back, but they're just dreams and I know that. I noticed that he's been being really nice to me lately and showing me a lot of affection, but I know it doesn't mean anything. Nothing means anything, why do I even bother to notice? I'm in so much pain and all I can do is just sit here and hold myself and cry because there isn't anything else. It isn't possible to do anything else with a feeling like this; it's not something that can be turned to productivity... It just makes me want to grab a knife and stab myself but I can't because I'm not that selfish. It makes me just want to curl up in a ball and stay there for hours just staring into the abyss as my mind races into dark, unknown places. I need help. I don't know what I need, but I need help. I don't know why I'm not healing from this. My heart should be fine but it's not. Every day is like the day after it happened... The day after it hit me that he was really gone. I may smile pretty when I need to but I'm fucking miserable.. Miserable..
Like anyone needs to be thinking about me anyway though, this whole thing is selfish of me. I can't ask for help because I know that everyone else has their own problems. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to try because I am directionless. I don't know where I want to go, but I know I don't want to stay here in this unhappy state. I need to move on from this broken heart but I just can't pick up the pieces and I just... GODD!!! I Don't understand it!! Why can't I do this?! WHY!?
..Why...
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!!!!!!!!!! THIS ISN'T HELPING EITHER, I'M VENTING BUT I'M NOT FEELING BETTER BECAUSE THIS ISN'T GOING TO GET ANYTHING DONE!!!!
I think I need to be left alone.
Mother