Rambling, sometimes its good for you
Ok so last week was pretty good and it was pretty easy to get use to the idea of being back here and all. I am enjoying my time here and I do believe that it was a really good decision that I made. There have been a few times that it has been hard to be here thinking about all the things that I left at home but then I stop and think about all that I will gain from doing this and that helps a lot. I have a lot to do to get my life in some sorta order and that is my goal at this point.
I feel like my life has just been a circle of events that never ends, and most of those events I have done for the benefit of others even if they didnt or cant see that. I am doing this for me so that I can finally feel good about me again. Wont that be a great change of events rather than depressing updates about how I feel like I gave my all and I get nothing in return for it. Well maye I did get a little something in return. I know not to put my heart on the line anymore cause you know what it really is NOT worth it. At least that is the feeling at this moment. Yeah Yeah I know that its not true and I more than likely dont mean it but you know.
I have been so frustrated with how I have been feeling and how people make me feel that I decided to go and talk to one of the counselors here at school. EIU has this great counseling center and they are all so nice there. I went last time I was here to talk to them because I was so frustrated with the roommate thing. So I went today and she basically wanted an over view of how things were going and what I wanted to achieve by coming to see her and what it was that made me decide that I needed to do this. Of course I told here about the breakup and all that and about how I hate it when people in my family put me down or critize what I do.
Of course then she got on why it is that my family is so involved and I had to tell her that my dad died when I was 15 and I assume it is because they feel as though they had to help raise me and all. So at the end of the session she says that maye we should start with talking about how it made me feel when dad died and how I feel about it now and all. I really dont know if I can do that!!! It will be so hard for me. I have never really talked about that with anyone and Im not sure if I can. There are alot of feelings there that are jsut really hard for me to share. He was my world and yes I was your typically daddys girl but it was so much more than that to me and I am not sure if people realize that. Dad and I were so close. It was like we knew what each other was thinking or what we were going to say. I guess that I am still a little mad that he died and he isnt her for me. Im not sure how easy this will be but I will do it if she really thinks that it will help me deal with other things in my life. I dont know. At this point I am willing to try anything!
Well other than all this stuff things are good and I am progressing well here at school! Well now its back to the books because that has not become my life!
I feel like my life has just been a circle of events that never ends, and most of those events I have done for the benefit of others even if they didnt or cant see that. I am doing this for me so that I can finally feel good about me again. Wont that be a great change of events rather than depressing updates about how I feel like I gave my all and I get nothing in return for it. Well maye I did get a little something in return. I know not to put my heart on the line anymore cause you know what it really is NOT worth it. At least that is the feeling at this moment. Yeah Yeah I know that its not true and I more than likely dont mean it but you know.
I have been so frustrated with how I have been feeling and how people make me feel that I decided to go and talk to one of the counselors here at school. EIU has this great counseling center and they are all so nice there. I went last time I was here to talk to them because I was so frustrated with the roommate thing. So I went today and she basically wanted an over view of how things were going and what I wanted to achieve by coming to see her and what it was that made me decide that I needed to do this. Of course I told here about the breakup and all that and about how I hate it when people in my family put me down or critize what I do.
Of course then she got on why it is that my family is so involved and I had to tell her that my dad died when I was 15 and I assume it is because they feel as though they had to help raise me and all. So at the end of the session she says that maye we should start with talking about how it made me feel when dad died and how I feel about it now and all. I really dont know if I can do that!!! It will be so hard for me. I have never really talked about that with anyone and Im not sure if I can. There are alot of feelings there that are jsut really hard for me to share. He was my world and yes I was your typically daddys girl but it was so much more than that to me and I am not sure if people realize that. Dad and I were so close. It was like we knew what each other was thinking or what we were going to say. I guess that I am still a little mad that he died and he isnt her for me. Im not sure how easy this will be but I will do it if she really thinks that it will help me deal with other things in my life. I dont know. At this point I am willing to try anything!
Well other than all this stuff things are good and I am progressing well here at school! Well now its back to the books because that has not become my life!