Dreaming, waiting, hating
I had a dream last night.
The part I remember was driving in my car, going around the crescent along the Quay in Wexford. As I was driving around, I realize the brakes don't work. I try the hand break but that doesn't work either. I try to steer the car around the corner but I'm going too fast and end up driving into the river. Before I even hit the water I've already opened the door of the car and jumped out, but as I try to swim back towards the road, the car is sinking beside me and the water sucks me under. The car sinks, lower and lower, all the way to the bottom of the river about 10 meters down. As it sinks, it pulls me down with it as I uselessly try to swim up. I realize, I probably should have waited in the car until it was at the bottom, before getting out and swimming away. Shoulda woulda coulda. Finally I'm at the river bottom, looking up at the sun filtering down through the water. The water surface looks really close, but too far for me. I can't swim good and I can't hold my breath that long. Swimming the whole time, I actually start moving up but it's too late. My lungs are already burning. I'm going to die. Then I wake up.
From what I've read in dream dictionaries, driving a car means your control of your life, and water has to do with emotions. Add that to what's going on in my life right now and I think the message my subconscious is giving me is that my ambition, the way I'm living my life is killing the emotional/social side of me.
At first I thought, is this a warning to myself, to turn back? Where I'm driving us isn't the right direction. Maybe... But then again, the more off course one goes, the more stop signs one passes, the more remarkable the journey, and hopefully the destination will be. To be remarkable is to achieve what others refuse to achieve. To drive where others don't dare to drive. To drive where I don't dare to drive.
Living where I'm living, the way I'm living is painful to me right now. I just want to skip this chapter and jump into the next one. Lying in bed all day in a coma is preferable compared to spending the day conscious in this down. I've cut out anything remotely good in my life so I can do nothing but focus on where I want to go in life. Basically I've lit a bed of hot coals under myself and all around, only straight in front where my goals are, is it nice to be. I thought this set up would motivate me to run in that direction but it's actually weakened me. I'm crawling in that direction.
I shouldn't keep thinking, I want this chapter to end. It's more like, I should hurry up and end this chapter. Seoul, Wellington, Cape Town, Spain, Peru... lots of places waiting for me. Currently stuck in Wexford, slowly pushing this narrative forward, so that I can end this chapter.
The part I remember was driving in my car, going around the crescent along the Quay in Wexford. As I was driving around, I realize the brakes don't work. I try the hand break but that doesn't work either. I try to steer the car around the corner but I'm going too fast and end up driving into the river. Before I even hit the water I've already opened the door of the car and jumped out, but as I try to swim back towards the road, the car is sinking beside me and the water sucks me under. The car sinks, lower and lower, all the way to the bottom of the river about 10 meters down. As it sinks, it pulls me down with it as I uselessly try to swim up. I realize, I probably should have waited in the car until it was at the bottom, before getting out and swimming away. Shoulda woulda coulda. Finally I'm at the river bottom, looking up at the sun filtering down through the water. The water surface looks really close, but too far for me. I can't swim good and I can't hold my breath that long. Swimming the whole time, I actually start moving up but it's too late. My lungs are already burning. I'm going to die. Then I wake up.
From what I've read in dream dictionaries, driving a car means your control of your life, and water has to do with emotions. Add that to what's going on in my life right now and I think the message my subconscious is giving me is that my ambition, the way I'm living my life is killing the emotional/social side of me.
At first I thought, is this a warning to myself, to turn back? Where I'm driving us isn't the right direction. Maybe... But then again, the more off course one goes, the more stop signs one passes, the more remarkable the journey, and hopefully the destination will be. To be remarkable is to achieve what others refuse to achieve. To drive where others don't dare to drive. To drive where I don't dare to drive.
Living where I'm living, the way I'm living is painful to me right now. I just want to skip this chapter and jump into the next one. Lying in bed all day in a coma is preferable compared to spending the day conscious in this down. I've cut out anything remotely good in my life so I can do nothing but focus on where I want to go in life. Basically I've lit a bed of hot coals under myself and all around, only straight in front where my goals are, is it nice to be. I thought this set up would motivate me to run in that direction but it's actually weakened me. I'm crawling in that direction.
I shouldn't keep thinking, I want this chapter to end. It's more like, I should hurry up and end this chapter. Seoul, Wellington, Cape Town, Spain, Peru... lots of places waiting for me. Currently stuck in Wexford, slowly pushing this narrative forward, so that I can end this chapter.