Warning: This post contains extensive discussion of mental health issues that may be triggering.
If you are a follower of kpop I'm sure you've heard it by now that SHINEE's Jonghyun passed away last night in apparent suicide. Based on his final text sent to his sister moments before his death and the letter he entrusted to Dear Cloud's Nine9, he seems to be suffering from chronic depression :(
He lived his life trying to make those around him happy, he inspired many people with his talent and beautiful voice. Little did we know that behind his smile, he was in tremendous pain. The news about his death was so heartbreaking to read, and even so more heartbreaking is the thought of how much pain and suffering he had to endure all these times for him to chose that path of no return :(
I truly wish that he can now rest in peace wherever he is and found his happiness. RIP Jonghyun.
This is the final note he entrusted to Nine9. I believe he has been talking to her about his depression prior to his suicide and she has warned his family that he is suicidal. She knows that publishing his letter will attract controversies but seems like this is what Jonghyun has wanted.
WARNING: The letter is very heartbreaking. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH OR IN EMOTIONAL PAIN.
If you or someone you know is at risk of self-harm or suicide, seek help as soon as possible by contacting agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention in the United States and abroad.
[Jonghyun Final Goodbye]I am damaged from the inside. The depression that has been slowly eating away at me has completely swallowed me, and I couldn't win over it. I hated myself. I tried to hold on to breaking memories and yelled at myself to get a grip, but there was no answer. If I can't clear my breath, it's better to stop. I asked myself who can take care of myself. It's only me. I was alone. It's easy to say I'll end things. It's hard to end things. I lived all this time because of that difficulty. They said I wanted to run away. That's true. I wanted to run away. From me. From you. I asked who it was. It was me. And it was me. And it was me again. I asked why I kept losing my memories. They said it was because of my personality. I see. It was my fault in the end. I wanted someone to notice, but no one noticed. No one met me, so of course they don't know I exist. I asked why people live. Just. Just. People just live. If I ask why people die, I guess they'd say they were tired. I suffered and I worried. I never learned how to turn my pain into happiness. Pain is just pain. They told me not to be like that. Why? I can't even end things the way I want? They told me to figure out why I was hurting. I know very well why. I'm hurting because of me. It's all my fault and because I'm bad. Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear? No, I didn't do anything wrong. When the doctor blamed my personality with a quiet voice, I thought it was so easy to be a doctor. It's amazing how much I'm hurting. People who are hurting more live well. People weaker than me live well. I guess not. Out of everyone alive, there's no one hurting more than I am and there's no one weaker than I am. But they said I should live. I asked why so many times, but it's not for me. It's for you. I wanted to be for me. Don't say things that don't make sense. Figure out why I'm hurting? I told you why. Why I was hurting. Is it not okay to be hurting this much because of that? Do I need a more dramatic detail? I need more of a story? I told you why. Were you not listening? Things I can win over don't end in scars. It wasn't my place to clash with the world. It wasn't my life to be known to the world. They said that was why I was hurting more. Because I had clashed with the world, because I was known to the world. Why did I choose this? That's funny. It's a miracle I lasted this far. What more can I say? Just tell me I worked hard. That it was good of me to come this far. That I worked hard. Even if you can't smile as you let me go, please don't blame me. I worked hard. I really did work hard. Good bye.