(no subject)
yea so im def. bored outta my mind. im here at kari's dad's with kari and mike. its gay lol. i dno. i feel like a 3rd wheel. hmm. sucks. major. oh well. i wish i had sumone here to hold me. i feel so lonely. i hate it. i hate bein lonely. most def. erg. i dno wat to do. i know that i only let pippin hold me and i only kissed him and let him kiss me becuz im lonely and i need somebody to love me. im just way over my head. and i hate it. talked to roni today. erg. it wasnt like bad or nething. just depressing i guess. he alwayz talks about these girls he likes and such. it sucks. yet he tells me not to talk about guys. like adam. def. a no no to talk about him. erg. today is july 20th. its sposed to be me and roni's 1 year. im majoyly depressed. erg. i hate this. i am sposed to be with him right now. ERG! i wanna be there in his arms. so bad. erg. i love himmmmm soooo much! and i hate it. ldkfjsljfsdlkfj. i miss him. hearing his voice today was. wow. i miss that. and he told me how he's lonely and he wants sumone to cuddle with and sumone to love him. yet he doesnt see me standing right in front of him beggin to let me love him and beggin to cuddle with him. erg. he wouldnt be lonely if he wasnt liket his. he wouldnt be at all. he told me how he asked this girl katy to cuddle with him and such. erg. i hate my life. i hate love. and i hate being me. erg. i hate today. depression sucks and so does my love for him. :'( lsdkfjsdlfkjsdflkjsdflksjfdslkdjfslkjd i wanted to tell him sooo bad tonite about what happened. about the baby. about why i wasnt pregnant. i wanted to tell him the truth. i feel like a horrible person becuz i am keeping it from him. keeping the truth and lying to him. i feel so bad about not telling him why he isnt a daddy right now. i feel bad bout him bein so upset months ago when i told him i wasnt. when i told him it was negative yet i knew the truth behind it. i wanted to tell him now that i had a miscarridge. that when i went to the doc for a check up and to see if i was or not that she told me it looks as if i was pregnant but i miscarried. erg. why am i such a horrible person? how could i keep sumfin like that from him? when he was so excited when i told him i was. erg. i hate me. i just didnt wanna hurt him nemore than he had been. hearing the test was negative was way easier than it would have been to know he would have had a child right now if it didnt happen. but now it would just hurt him worse knowing the truth and knowing i kept it from him. knowing that he could have had a baby and messed everything up. knowing everything would kill him inside and he's just gettin happy again. and excepting his life for wat it is. and moving on. maybe its a good thing in the end knowing that i didnt hurt him more than he needed to be. sdklfjsdlkfjsfdljk