Today is Ash Wednesday
So today is Ash Wednesday. I went and got ashes at St. Paul's at the 12:00 mass. They were smudged off by 6:00 pm when I had to go to my class. What's up with me?
Religiously...I generally just feel completely lost most of the time. I was rocking Unitarian Universalism for a while, but now I just feel very ambiguous about it. There are some things I love - the small group discussions, the intellectual rigor of those discussions, almost all of the people I've met through the church, the revival we had in the spring, some of the music (I can only take so much folksy stuff). But then...there are some things I can't stand. Like how you can go to services on Sunday and hear a sermon about renovating the Church and finances. Yuck - that's happened to me three times (and I've been to Church maybe 20 times). Or how everyone is so liberal, and that's the one unifying part of church. I don't think this would bother me, except my beliefs don't exactly fit the mold - and I don't feel a part of it persay. Or how during the election the whole church clapped when someone talked about getting rid of Bush during Joys and Sorrows - I thought that was tacky. Or how everyone has been to graduate school and is an intellectual snob. Or how I feel like some sort of evil-doer because I drink and party and go clubbing and don't want to get up at 9:00 in the morning during the retreat. Or how they never talk about anything remotely resembling 'sin' or doing something wrong, but are always on the right side of the equation. Most of all - a lot of the times it just feels contrived and unholy to me. The traditions aren't mine, and there's something so sophomoric about having millions of acronyms like YRUU (read it out loud) or whatever the hell associated with what is supposed to be deep and profound for you.
Then...last semester I started going to mass occassionally. I don't know - I went to mass enought times as a kid, and was raised catholic in a sort of half-assed way, but enough that I know the basics and consider myself a former. And I'm still an atheist and I don't believe in God or Jesus or any of that stuff. But Mass...just feels holy to me. The music feels holy, the space feels holy. I like going in the church when noone else is there when I just need to think and find some inner strength to keep going. I like Jesus. Yeah, I know...I thought Christians were psycho (mostly because their most vocal members are the crazy ones), but when I actually read the gospels...what Jesus said was pretty awesome. I love liberation theology and feel more in tune the Catholic Left moreso than any other left-wing sector. I love rituals. I love being able to go to mass at 6:00 pm. I love feeling connected to something my ancestors did, since there is so little trace of my ethnic heritage left in my white mongrel body. I like focusing on sin, cause I do way too much of it (not the stupid gay stuff which I don't think is sin), and I'm just oozing with catholic guilt because of it. Sometimes when I go into mass it feels like going home.
But then I'm like...wtf? I don't believe in God, and I'm a fag who is going to hell. When I take the Beliefnet quiz Catholic is always one of the lowest ones. How does this work? Sometimes I'll do a double take and say to myself "I don't belong here, I'm not coming back". But then I start applying some of the stuff I learned in UU and think...well maybe I can work my way in here. If I think of God as a positive force....and Jesus as someone representing that force, and heaven and hell as simply how you live on in others after you die...I can fit some of my ways of thinking about the world into that structure in a metaphorical way, which is what I think the bible is best used as anyway. And the gay shit...not all catholics follow church doctrine. The church, as a human institution, is wrought with human error and sin (like all the multitudes of messed up stuff the catholic church has done like the spanish inquisition). 85 percent of catholics don't believe its teachings on birth control. But half the time I really don't get it myself either, and I'm waiting for the cynical Kurt Vonnegut loving atheist to just slap me silly and wake me up.
My main feelings about religion are something I read about liberation theology. A liberation theologist said, "It isn't if you believe in God or not, but what is God for you?" What IS my God? I don't know. But the consumeristic God of American capitalism isn't for me. Neither is the cynical self-absorbed God I had in high school. Neither is science and 'progress'. I just don't have any answers now.
But I'm going with how I'm feeling right now, and celebrating lent. About to go have my first real vegetarian meal of the day (only two light meals and one meal on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday). I'm going to try to reform my character to better match my ideals. And I'm giving up all junk food (ALL dessert, soda, fries, meal truck food (I love that stuff, but it's bad for you). I'm excluding coffee from this list, because I need it occassionally. I had my last indulgence yesterday by eating a hamburger, fries, and an O shake. Oh yeah, I'm giving up spitting too (should be easy enough since I only picked that one up a year ago), with the hopes of never picking it up again. Too bad I want a slurpee now, but I can't have one. Gah.
I know I'm full of contradictions, but I'd rather acknowledge them than just pretend they aren't there.
Religiously...I generally just feel completely lost most of the time. I was rocking Unitarian Universalism for a while, but now I just feel very ambiguous about it. There are some things I love - the small group discussions, the intellectual rigor of those discussions, almost all of the people I've met through the church, the revival we had in the spring, some of the music (I can only take so much folksy stuff). But then...there are some things I can't stand. Like how you can go to services on Sunday and hear a sermon about renovating the Church and finances. Yuck - that's happened to me three times (and I've been to Church maybe 20 times). Or how everyone is so liberal, and that's the one unifying part of church. I don't think this would bother me, except my beliefs don't exactly fit the mold - and I don't feel a part of it persay. Or how during the election the whole church clapped when someone talked about getting rid of Bush during Joys and Sorrows - I thought that was tacky. Or how everyone has been to graduate school and is an intellectual snob. Or how I feel like some sort of evil-doer because I drink and party and go clubbing and don't want to get up at 9:00 in the morning during the retreat. Or how they never talk about anything remotely resembling 'sin' or doing something wrong, but are always on the right side of the equation. Most of all - a lot of the times it just feels contrived and unholy to me. The traditions aren't mine, and there's something so sophomoric about having millions of acronyms like YRUU (read it out loud) or whatever the hell associated with what is supposed to be deep and profound for you.
Then...last semester I started going to mass occassionally. I don't know - I went to mass enought times as a kid, and was raised catholic in a sort of half-assed way, but enough that I know the basics and consider myself a former. And I'm still an atheist and I don't believe in God or Jesus or any of that stuff. But Mass...just feels holy to me. The music feels holy, the space feels holy. I like going in the church when noone else is there when I just need to think and find some inner strength to keep going. I like Jesus. Yeah, I know...I thought Christians were psycho (mostly because their most vocal members are the crazy ones), but when I actually read the gospels...what Jesus said was pretty awesome. I love liberation theology and feel more in tune the Catholic Left moreso than any other left-wing sector. I love rituals. I love being able to go to mass at 6:00 pm. I love feeling connected to something my ancestors did, since there is so little trace of my ethnic heritage left in my white mongrel body. I like focusing on sin, cause I do way too much of it (not the stupid gay stuff which I don't think is sin), and I'm just oozing with catholic guilt because of it. Sometimes when I go into mass it feels like going home.
But then I'm like...wtf? I don't believe in God, and I'm a fag who is going to hell. When I take the Beliefnet quiz Catholic is always one of the lowest ones. How does this work? Sometimes I'll do a double take and say to myself "I don't belong here, I'm not coming back". But then I start applying some of the stuff I learned in UU and think...well maybe I can work my way in here. If I think of God as a positive force....and Jesus as someone representing that force, and heaven and hell as simply how you live on in others after you die...I can fit some of my ways of thinking about the world into that structure in a metaphorical way, which is what I think the bible is best used as anyway. And the gay shit...not all catholics follow church doctrine. The church, as a human institution, is wrought with human error and sin (like all the multitudes of messed up stuff the catholic church has done like the spanish inquisition). 85 percent of catholics don't believe its teachings on birth control. But half the time I really don't get it myself either, and I'm waiting for the cynical Kurt Vonnegut loving atheist to just slap me silly and wake me up.
My main feelings about religion are something I read about liberation theology. A liberation theologist said, "It isn't if you believe in God or not, but what is God for you?" What IS my God? I don't know. But the consumeristic God of American capitalism isn't for me. Neither is the cynical self-absorbed God I had in high school. Neither is science and 'progress'. I just don't have any answers now.
But I'm going with how I'm feeling right now, and celebrating lent. About to go have my first real vegetarian meal of the day (only two light meals and one meal on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday). I'm going to try to reform my character to better match my ideals. And I'm giving up all junk food (ALL dessert, soda, fries, meal truck food (I love that stuff, but it's bad for you). I'm excluding coffee from this list, because I need it occassionally. I had my last indulgence yesterday by eating a hamburger, fries, and an O shake. Oh yeah, I'm giving up spitting too (should be easy enough since I only picked that one up a year ago), with the hopes of never picking it up again. Too bad I want a slurpee now, but I can't have one. Gah.
I know I'm full of contradictions, but I'd rather acknowledge them than just pretend they aren't there.