Whole lot of crazy...
Oh wow, HI depression! I thought you were gone since I've been insanely manic for so long, but now I remember why being bipolar is not in fact, the win. I am so logical and removed from all my crazy, it's almost like watching some sick scientific experiment. I certainly am not at a point where I can turn it off but I can sort of internally watch myself being crazy and be like "yup, you are not feeling this way because these things exist, you are feeling this way 'cuz you crazy!"
One of the things I would really like to work on and examine is how much is too much to require of people close to me. I try to be very careful that I don't ask for absurd accommodations for things that are not their fault. Although it would be much easier to function this way and I honestly have friends that are awesome enough to put up with it, I hate doing so. There are small things I'm okay with, like letting them know I don't want to be touched, or I need to hear something happy, or that I am not currently suitable for public consumption. However, I do not find it reasonable to suggest paying excessive amounts of loving attention to me to the exclusion of anyone else because I'm currently convinced you hate me. Somewhere inbetween these things is a line that is reasonable for both myself and the people I surround myself with and I'd like to find it.
The removal of emotional walls is another thing that is very hard for me to do. I can attach to people pretty easily and find much affection for them, but building real emotion is much more dangerous feeling because then I have the capacity to get hurt. This is hard to understand because I do not appear cold or unloving at all. Therefore when someone is completely removed from my life and I just don't care, it bewilders people. I may have paid attention to this person, talked volumes about how great they are, etc. But if I haven't emotionally attached without a wall in place, it doesn't really matter. I haven't allowed myself to care.
I take great pains to compartmentalize my relationships since I operate on so many different levels. When finding new people that are interested in me, I often ask "Do you want to fuck my brains or my panties or both?" I can function fine with any of these answers but I just like to know so I can put it into a happy safe box and leave it there. Unfortunately a lot of people are not used to people operating on such a starkly honest and possibly emotion free level. In turn, some people think it's required to fake emotion to access my undergarments. This makes me confused, and I allow myself to briefly attach, and then end up confused/disappointed when they aren't being honest. It all makes perfect sense to me, if I tell you things are okay, they are. But the preconceived notions of relationships and sex seem to win out.
Another issue: unexpected change. I don't care if you promised me bread and water and gave me cake and ice cream, that is NOT what I expected and it freaks me out. I hate when this happens. It's normally because I like to be very happy with things and therefore I steel myself for whatever something is, and then when the new thing happens I haven't made myself ready, so not only is it surprising, it's upsetting. Little things can do this, like expecting X person to walk in the room and it's really Y person, people being home that I didn't think were there, food tasting really different than what I thought it would be. Unless I'm already at a bad level, these things will just cause general unease vs. a massive freak out, but it's still bothersome.
I have many responses for coping and functioning and making things just be okay. But this past week has been extremely difficult for me on a lot of levels. First, I am going through a downswing. That's fine, it happens. I tend to be more careful with myself and emotions during these times but really, you cannot schedule life. So, basically, on Monday I allowed myself to take down some walls with a person who is relatively new in my life. I felt very close and safe with them and was happy about doing this. Unfortunately, on Tuesday a situation presented itself which: A) I was not ready to deal with, B) made me surprised, C) convinced me said person was only interested in panties when I thought they were interested in brains, and D) made me feel very very unloved and unwanted. Now, first off, NONE of this is anyone's fault. I read into things because I was feeling uncertain and nervous and my very strong fears were coming into play. I can *logically* recognize this. Does not help my heart that my brain is smart.
Obviously, I was very upset and a lot of placating and assurances and love has been attempted. Still not okay, which makes me upset. I want to be able to look at things, realize what they are, and be okay and happy with it. And it's breaking my heart that this stupid fucking sickness is not enabling me to do this. I cannot communicate how frustrating and upsetting it is. I didn't leave the house last night because I am feeling shaky and unsure, I HAVE to leave today for friends birthday party goodness, and the thought of being around people is really scary. Also, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what is reasonable to ask for. I don't know what I can tell myself that will make me feel better. And I feel very vulnerable and silly and crazy for letting it bother me this much. I abhor feeling weak. I love my manic self, the one that is all fun times Jessica warrior self. I do not like this Jessica.
I am very worried about people not liking it as well, and being annoyed that I can't be okay right away, and not wanting to deal with me. I always worry about losing people I love because it's so hard to deal with me, and I want to turn it off, and I know why it's wrong, but I can't. It's the worst thing in the whole world and I hate hate hate hate it. If I was apeshit insane and DID NOT KNOW, I think it would be better. Or just really stupid, I am so convinced stupid people have easier lives.
One of the things I would really like to work on and examine is how much is too much to require of people close to me. I try to be very careful that I don't ask for absurd accommodations for things that are not their fault. Although it would be much easier to function this way and I honestly have friends that are awesome enough to put up with it, I hate doing so. There are small things I'm okay with, like letting them know I don't want to be touched, or I need to hear something happy, or that I am not currently suitable for public consumption. However, I do not find it reasonable to suggest paying excessive amounts of loving attention to me to the exclusion of anyone else because I'm currently convinced you hate me. Somewhere inbetween these things is a line that is reasonable for both myself and the people I surround myself with and I'd like to find it.
The removal of emotional walls is another thing that is very hard for me to do. I can attach to people pretty easily and find much affection for them, but building real emotion is much more dangerous feeling because then I have the capacity to get hurt. This is hard to understand because I do not appear cold or unloving at all. Therefore when someone is completely removed from my life and I just don't care, it bewilders people. I may have paid attention to this person, talked volumes about how great they are, etc. But if I haven't emotionally attached without a wall in place, it doesn't really matter. I haven't allowed myself to care.
I take great pains to compartmentalize my relationships since I operate on so many different levels. When finding new people that are interested in me, I often ask "Do you want to fuck my brains or my panties or both?" I can function fine with any of these answers but I just like to know so I can put it into a happy safe box and leave it there. Unfortunately a lot of people are not used to people operating on such a starkly honest and possibly emotion free level. In turn, some people think it's required to fake emotion to access my undergarments. This makes me confused, and I allow myself to briefly attach, and then end up confused/disappointed when they aren't being honest. It all makes perfect sense to me, if I tell you things are okay, they are. But the preconceived notions of relationships and sex seem to win out.
Another issue: unexpected change. I don't care if you promised me bread and water and gave me cake and ice cream, that is NOT what I expected and it freaks me out. I hate when this happens. It's normally because I like to be very happy with things and therefore I steel myself for whatever something is, and then when the new thing happens I haven't made myself ready, so not only is it surprising, it's upsetting. Little things can do this, like expecting X person to walk in the room and it's really Y person, people being home that I didn't think were there, food tasting really different than what I thought it would be. Unless I'm already at a bad level, these things will just cause general unease vs. a massive freak out, but it's still bothersome.
I have many responses for coping and functioning and making things just be okay. But this past week has been extremely difficult for me on a lot of levels. First, I am going through a downswing. That's fine, it happens. I tend to be more careful with myself and emotions during these times but really, you cannot schedule life. So, basically, on Monday I allowed myself to take down some walls with a person who is relatively new in my life. I felt very close and safe with them and was happy about doing this. Unfortunately, on Tuesday a situation presented itself which: A) I was not ready to deal with, B) made me surprised, C) convinced me said person was only interested in panties when I thought they were interested in brains, and D) made me feel very very unloved and unwanted. Now, first off, NONE of this is anyone's fault. I read into things because I was feeling uncertain and nervous and my very strong fears were coming into play. I can *logically* recognize this. Does not help my heart that my brain is smart.
Obviously, I was very upset and a lot of placating and assurances and love has been attempted. Still not okay, which makes me upset. I want to be able to look at things, realize what they are, and be okay and happy with it. And it's breaking my heart that this stupid fucking sickness is not enabling me to do this. I cannot communicate how frustrating and upsetting it is. I didn't leave the house last night because I am feeling shaky and unsure, I HAVE to leave today for friends birthday party goodness, and the thought of being around people is really scary. Also, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what is reasonable to ask for. I don't know what I can tell myself that will make me feel better. And I feel very vulnerable and silly and crazy for letting it bother me this much. I abhor feeling weak. I love my manic self, the one that is all fun times Jessica warrior self. I do not like this Jessica.
I am very worried about people not liking it as well, and being annoyed that I can't be okay right away, and not wanting to deal with me. I always worry about losing people I love because it's so hard to deal with me, and I want to turn it off, and I know why it's wrong, but I can't. It's the worst thing in the whole world and I hate hate hate hate it. If I was apeshit insane and DID NOT KNOW, I think it would be better. Or just really stupid, I am so convinced stupid people have easier lives.