i'm aiming for zen
Finally, the much awaited thesis proposal defense. Just when I was feeling oh so smart and shit, do I get pelted so. Actually, I'm only feeling this now, seven hours later. During the event, I shut my trap and held any opinions in check - what I thought was a good strategy to pass this defense. Since they all read my paper, three times I think, I didn't have to present my paper anymore. So we went straight to opinions and recommendations of my panel. Then, they signed this form that said I passed the defense and I was happy.
But a walk to the faraway registrar's office and a two and a half hour commute to our dance studio in Las Piñas made me think a lot of things. And feel bad about a lot of things. I was prepared for the general Steve's going to keep putting me down throughout the entire defense, but I guess I didn't like that my thesis adviser agreed with him. Like panelist #3 pointed out that I had a lot of thoughts that I didn't follow through, and Steve said I did have a lot of paragraphs that seemed to cram so much information and my adviser agreed. I suppose she's probably using my strategy also, but I just felt betrayed, somehow. I mean, she thought my proposal was fine before today.
Steve's demand that I not focus on history won out; though my adviser still pointed out that it was important that someone finally writes a book about history someday. I was thinking of maybe taking that on as a project in the future, but I had agreed with this from the beginning, as my friends would remember all my angst when I took her research class last year. In China, I was thinking I wanted my thesis to be more about choreography, and now it will be because Steve was big on insisting that I just focus on the repertoire. So yay. Which was why his constant ridiculing of me didn't bother me right away.
I guess the little things I could ignore. I mean, I don't need these people to validate my work as a writer. Even if they're giving me my final grade. Let's just finish this and move on. Please.
But a walk to the faraway registrar's office and a two and a half hour commute to our dance studio in Las Piñas made me think a lot of things. And feel bad about a lot of things. I was prepared for the general Steve's going to keep putting me down throughout the entire defense, but I guess I didn't like that my thesis adviser agreed with him. Like panelist #3 pointed out that I had a lot of thoughts that I didn't follow through, and Steve said I did have a lot of paragraphs that seemed to cram so much information and my adviser agreed. I suppose she's probably using my strategy also, but I just felt betrayed, somehow. I mean, she thought my proposal was fine before today.
Steve's demand that I not focus on history won out; though my adviser still pointed out that it was important that someone finally writes a book about history someday. I was thinking of maybe taking that on as a project in the future, but I had agreed with this from the beginning, as my friends would remember all my angst when I took her research class last year. In China, I was thinking I wanted my thesis to be more about choreography, and now it will be because Steve was big on insisting that I just focus on the repertoire. So yay. Which was why his constant ridiculing of me didn't bother me right away.
I guess the little things I could ignore. I mean, I don't need these people to validate my work as a writer. Even if they're giving me my final grade. Let's just finish this and move on. Please.