Cobra's Little Nightmare Fodder
This is...this is bad.
When you even have to LJ-cut the title for language, you know it's bad. The fic itself is
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here...
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Love it or hate it, it was my first introduction to G.I. Joe in general. And I actually did really enjoy it, which sparked off a happy splashing into the kiddie pool of fandom. Being the voracious reader that I am, I dove into the old comics, and since I'd heard such...interesting?...things about them, I also watched a good amount of the various cartoon series on YouTube.
And then I dipped into the fanfic. Not much of it. LOTS of Mary Sues, some awful writing...but this one. Oh, this one.
COBRA'S LITTLE BITCH
This went down like a shot of Drano with a vinegar chaser.
We dive right in with:
“You…bastard’’ said a thick Scottish accent. The eyes of ‘destro’ glared at the so called ‘commander’ cobra commander chuckled deeply.
The eyes of 'the reader' are crossing from trying to read all this without 'capitalization.' Seriously, there's maybe half a dozen capital letters in about a thousand words, all just randomly tossed in like croutons in a salad of crap. Oh, and paragraph breaks are for wusses. Real men write in one interminable block.
“…why…” destro asked. “what possible needs do you have for me?”
::remembers the title and hides under a bucket::
Actually, Cobra Commander commences to gloat about how he will escape and take over the world with Destro's help, all pretty in-character if gramatically mind-blowing...
“you silly little bitch….you forget my nanobites have a mind control…which means I can have you get on your knees and bend over for me…my…little Scottish fuck toy.”
...forget I said anything. And why is Rapey Cobra Commander talking like William Shatner anyway? "You...silly little...bitch."
Yeah, I need a moment for that to sink it. It's only made worse by the fact that this version of Destro is as portrayed by Christopher Eccleston.
= Silly little bitch?
OW, MY BRAIN.
So, HappyFunTime! Cobra Commander expounds a bit about how he "cannot wait to stuff my thick cock into your hot mouth" and "“the metal does make your lips quiet…fetching…heheheh…” (I seriously thought that he was saying the metal mask made him be quiet, which conjured up horrible, awful images of the nanomite silver mask creating something akin to a gimp...::shudders::)
So we wrap up chapter one with "James McCollen" (I don't know why this bothers me so much compared to the rest of it all, when it's only one letter misspelled, but it's McCullen, dammit!) vowing "to break free from the strangle hold that cobra has around him. Someday…and when that day comes…he will return to his sweet baroness."
YES, LET'S BRING THE BARONESS INTO THIS. THAT'LL MAKE IT BETTER.
I'm just grateful she doesn't actually seem to be showing up in this fic. The fact that she and Cobra Commander are siblings in the movie!verse could only make this so much more horrifying. ...of course, appearance of the IC Baroness would be awesome. And also result in Cobra Commander getting his cranium aerated and Destro dragged back to the Silent Castle for a good bout in the brainwashing machine.
Chapter two (Yes, there is a chapter two) features actual paragraph breaks. It makes things much more readable. The problem is, it makes this story so much more readable.
Oh, and Chapter Two is first person from Destro's POV. OH JOY.
I found myself in a cobra vehicle, hours ago a team of vipers helped me and the commander escape. Partly because of zartan disguise as the president of the united states., I look up to see the commander staring.
Yeah, he's a bit confused as to how you got there too. You know, cause escaping a maximum-security top-secret facility with the help of a master of disguise isn't at all interesting. One throwaway line oughta do 'er. Yeah.
Like it or not mc cullen (okay, I know the last one bothered me, but this doesn't help) your we’re going to be together for.” he paused and ran a gloved hand over my metal skin. “a long time…” I pushed him and stood up in defense scared, shocked at the rasping words of the commander, the chill of his hissing, the odd feeling that he…he was hitting on me!” Since he's already declared intent to rape you in jail, I don't think you're quite worried enough here. In fact, you sound distinctly like a snotty party girl with her girlfriends. "He's, like, totally hitting on me! Ewww!" Oh, James, what have they done to you?! he reached quickly and pulled the device. “Don’t you dare destro!” Dare what? He hasn't moved!
Oh, dear, then this delightful hissy:
“Bitch! I am your master! You obey my words! When I say jump you say how high. When I tell you to get me a Danish pastry you fetish it like a good bitch.”
I...but that's...FETISH it?!...just...::is speechless::
Cobra Commander starts kissing Destro...because every rape of your subordinates should begin with a kiss?...and Destro has this marvelous insight.
My great ancestors would shake they’re heads such a proud family of which I came from, reduced to a play toy…a slave…
James...darling...I'm amazed that the ghosts of all of Clan McCullen don't show up to hack you to bits with claymores, then strike every mention of you from family records.
TO BE CONTINUED...
::SCREAMS::
Honestly, there's SO MUCH MORE. Just...word limits. God. For those who don't know the characters, Destro is very much an alpha-male, badass businessman/mercenary. Even if he WAS in love with Cobra Commander (and canonically, he's been practically obsessed with the Baroness from his very first appearance) he would NOT be the "bitch." And Cobra Commander...there aren't enough words left for the rant I'd need.
I'd love to believe this is a troll. But considering how small the fandom is and some investigations I've done into the author...well...::shivers in horror::
When you even have to LJ-cut the title for language, you know it's bad. The fic itself is
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here...
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Love it or hate it, it was my first introduction to G.I. Joe in general. And I actually did really enjoy it, which sparked off a happy splashing into the kiddie pool of fandom. Being the voracious reader that I am, I dove into the old comics, and since I'd heard such...interesting?...things about them, I also watched a good amount of the various cartoon series on YouTube.
And then I dipped into the fanfic. Not much of it. LOTS of Mary Sues, some awful writing...but this one. Oh, this one.
COBRA'S LITTLE BITCH
This went down like a shot of Drano with a vinegar chaser.
We dive right in with:
“You…bastard’’ said a thick Scottish accent. The eyes of ‘destro’ glared at the so called ‘commander’ cobra commander chuckled deeply.
The eyes of 'the reader' are crossing from trying to read all this without 'capitalization.' Seriously, there's maybe half a dozen capital letters in about a thousand words, all just randomly tossed in like croutons in a salad of crap. Oh, and paragraph breaks are for wusses. Real men write in one interminable block.
“…why…” destro asked. “what possible needs do you have for me?”
::remembers the title and hides under a bucket::
Actually, Cobra Commander commences to gloat about how he will escape and take over the world with Destro's help, all pretty in-character if gramatically mind-blowing...
“you silly little bitch….you forget my nanobites have a mind control…which means I can have you get on your knees and bend over for me…my…little Scottish fuck toy.”
...forget I said anything. And why is Rapey Cobra Commander talking like William Shatner anyway? "You...silly little...bitch."
Yeah, I need a moment for that to sink it. It's only made worse by the fact that this version of Destro is as portrayed by Christopher Eccleston.
= Silly little bitch?
OW, MY BRAIN.
So, HappyFunTime! Cobra Commander expounds a bit about how he "cannot wait to stuff my thick cock into your hot mouth" and "“the metal does make your lips quiet…fetching…heheheh…” (I seriously thought that he was saying the metal mask made him be quiet, which conjured up horrible, awful images of the nanomite silver mask creating something akin to a gimp...::shudders::)
So we wrap up chapter one with "James McCollen" (I don't know why this bothers me so much compared to the rest of it all, when it's only one letter misspelled, but it's McCullen, dammit!) vowing "to break free from the strangle hold that cobra has around him. Someday…and when that day comes…he will return to his sweet baroness."
YES, LET'S BRING THE BARONESS INTO THIS. THAT'LL MAKE IT BETTER.
I'm just grateful she doesn't actually seem to be showing up in this fic. The fact that she and Cobra Commander are siblings in the movie!verse could only make this so much more horrifying. ...of course, appearance of the IC Baroness would be awesome. And also result in Cobra Commander getting his cranium aerated and Destro dragged back to the Silent Castle for a good bout in the brainwashing machine.
Chapter two (Yes, there is a chapter two) features actual paragraph breaks. It makes things much more readable. The problem is, it makes this story so much more readable.
Oh, and Chapter Two is first person from Destro's POV. OH JOY.
I found myself in a cobra vehicle, hours ago a team of vipers helped me and the commander escape. Partly because of zartan disguise as the president of the united states., I look up to see the commander staring.
Yeah, he's a bit confused as to how you got there too. You know, cause escaping a maximum-security top-secret facility with the help of a master of disguise isn't at all interesting. One throwaway line oughta do 'er. Yeah.
Like it or not mc cullen (okay, I know the last one bothered me, but this doesn't help) your we’re going to be together for.” he paused and ran a gloved hand over my metal skin. “a long time…” I pushed him and stood up in defense scared, shocked at the rasping words of the commander, the chill of his hissing, the odd feeling that he…he was hitting on me!” Since he's already declared intent to rape you in jail, I don't think you're quite worried enough here. In fact, you sound distinctly like a snotty party girl with her girlfriends. "He's, like, totally hitting on me! Ewww!" Oh, James, what have they done to you?! he reached quickly and pulled the device. “Don’t you dare destro!” Dare what? He hasn't moved!
Oh, dear, then this delightful hissy:
“Bitch! I am your master! You obey my words! When I say jump you say how high. When I tell you to get me a Danish pastry you fetish it like a good bitch.”
I...but that's...FETISH it?!...just...::is speechless::
Cobra Commander starts kissing Destro...because every rape of your subordinates should begin with a kiss?...and Destro has this marvelous insight.
My great ancestors would shake they’re heads such a proud family of which I came from, reduced to a play toy…a slave…
James...darling...I'm amazed that the ghosts of all of Clan McCullen don't show up to hack you to bits with claymores, then strike every mention of you from family records.
TO BE CONTINUED...
::SCREAMS::
Honestly, there's SO MUCH MORE. Just...word limits. God. For those who don't know the characters, Destro is very much an alpha-male, badass businessman/mercenary. Even if he WAS in love with Cobra Commander (and canonically, he's been practically obsessed with the Baroness from his very first appearance) he would NOT be the "bitch." And Cobra Commander...there aren't enough words left for the rant I'd need.
I'd love to believe this is a troll. But considering how small the fandom is and some investigations I've done into the author...well...::shivers in horror::