Vincent the Vampire King
One of my personal favorite badfics. And now is the time to spork it. Beware- loss of brain cells is a reported side effect.
There's so much there... its so hard to pick and choose the best quotes!
Fandom: Final Fantasy VII
Fic: Vincent the Vampire King
One day Vincent was bored. He didnt want to be a boring person anymore.
Never thought of Vincent as boring. He's only an action hero who helped save the world, after all.
Then Valansa came who was the queen of the vampire people. She walked to the cave and sat close to him. "You can be a vampire with me" she said blinking her big eye lashes.
Mary Sue alert! Run for it!
She had a red cake with burning candles of evil and gave it to him. "This is for you."
Wait... is it a cape? No... it's a cake. With burning candles of evil. Right.
He heard the sound of a bunny and went there and sucked all its blood after he shot it!
So, if he's a vampire... isn't he supposed to bite it in some way, before sucking it's blood? Why did he shoot it first?!
"Urrrghhh what happened" said cloud when it was the next day. "You are my slave and you will go bite more bunnies!" Vincent said.
Because, the first thing Vincent would do, is totally make Cloud a vampire to go search for more bunnies.
"Now you must obey anything i say and Ill call you clyde."
Why is he now calling Cloud 'Clyde'?!
So then Aeris was in the field by the church with the flowers.
NOT the right way to start a new chapter.
"I am no Cloud" said Clyde. "I am CLYUDE!!"
You aren't Cloud... you're CLYUDE!!
"Go and BRING HIM TO ME SO I CAN HAVE HIM AS MY KING AS WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND NEVER BE APART EVER AGAIN!!"
The Mary Sue must have huge lungs to be able to yell all of that.
Then Clyde and Vincent saw them and were going to leave but then they had an ida!
Oh, my! I don't think it'll do them much good, though. Ida's are rare, but are not nearly as useful as ideas.
"I want to go ride a chocobop" he said to him.
I'll pass on the chocobop. I prefer Chocobos, anyway.
"I wish I could fly." said Vincent. "maybe you CAN!!" said Clyde and Vincent, started to float to the air. "i CAN!!" said Vincent with happy as he flew up across the sky.
So... apparently vampires have the ability to fly around in the air like Peter Pan?
Vincent laughed and told his vampire army to go, and find more vampires.
What army?! It consists only of Cloud/Clyde. One person! Where's the army?!
She held her cake where the evil candles started to shake and blasted up into the air where V incent was. The evil candle went up and hit him so he fell to the ground!
So that's the secret of the evil cake... the 'flaming candles of evil' double as homing rockets?
Clyde in his anger went to kill more bunnies meanwhile Valansa laughed e villy watching Vincent and her bats laughed evilly watching from a far in the tree off to the side far away from the place where the queen was at that time.
Commas? Periods? Anything?!
“Me want drink!” said Clyde. Then they stopped and he drank from the river in the woods.
I don't know about you, but I always thought vampires... you know, drank blood?
But she was sad because VINCENT WASN’T THERE, WITH HER!!
HOLY RANDOM COMMAS, BATMAN!
Then they saw Jack on the stump. “Hello Jack” they said.
It appears this is supposed to be Zack. What he's doing alive, I have no idea. Or Ida.
“want to be my vampire, army?” Vincent the Vampire King said. “Ok” So they were in the woods walking but this Army was expanding!!
Oh my! THREE vampires! Quite an army, there.
Everything was fine and the sky was bright and happy when a giant bug fell from the sky and squashedd Jack into the ground! “NOOOO. JACK!!” said the sad Vincent and Clyde and they cried and wore black for many days.
Talk about plot twists! It was so sudden, I really couldn't see it coming! At all. And that last line looks suspiciously like the one from 'The Mighty Donald Ducks.'
So there was a flash of light and he flew to the sky in a flash with feathers and birds and he was an angel.
...No comment.
They ran down the hell but the fence stopped them for it was white and wooden that went a long time!
Down the hell? Since when were they there?
it reminded them of jack and they were sad. "We will GET AVENGENCEE and not let Valansa make another evil cake!!" cried the vampire king and and he trained his army to prepare for battle.
Once again... not sensing the 'army' vibe there. And I don't see the significance of the CAKE, either.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
I think we get the point.
"I want some potaotes for me to eat." Said Clyde. So Clyde, went for some at the city busciness. "I think I want somecothles." Vincent said so they went for some new pants in the next store.
Weren't the supposed to be in the middle of a battle? Against Valansa's evil bats?
In teh store the manager was a good friend. "Hello Vincent the Vampire King" he said with friendliness.
Friendliness is always good. Especially when someone can magically know that Vincent is a vampire.
"i need some new pants." He said. "I hae some RIGHT HERE!!" Manager pulled out a large gun that was bigger then his head and started to fire at them!!
Does Manager not have a name? Is his name, Manager? And why does he have a huge gun like that?!
“I WILL GET YOUU!!’ said Manager as he fired more. Clyde took a bicycle and threw it at him hitting Manager in the faces where he fell and there was blood. “That took car of him’ said Vincent the Vampire King.
Quite the talented Manager! He has multiple faces! Though it didn't stop the bicycle, unfortunately.
They looked and saw there was a candle on his head that had mealted there. It was Valansas where it TOOK CONTROL OF HIM BRAN!!
It is revealed! The candles not only work as homing rockets, but can also enforce a type of mind control! Or... Bran control.
Valansa saw V incent and she grabbed her cake. “NOOO IT”S MINE! NOT YOUSR!!” she said and threw her fish prisoners at him.
NO NOT THE FISH PRISONERS! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Clyde was going to hit her but then Manager came back who wasn’t alive and ran him over with the bicke.“ARRRGH!” Clyde fell back as the bicyle hit him in the head and he bled to death it hit him.
Leave it to zombie!Manager to turn the tides of battle! And with the same bicycle, no less!
Valansa cried again and Vincent GRABBED HER CAKE AND ATE IT!! “NOOOO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE” valansa cried and fell down where she melted away and smoked.
What is this, the Wizard of Oz?
then he looked up where light was bright and glowing from above. Clyde was in a robe and had angel wings with a bright halo over his head. He went towards Vincent. “Its me” said Clyde who was floating. Vincent wa awe and took his hand and started to fly up with him to the hevans where the clouds where lit and happy.
I THINK MY BRAIN JUST DIED.
There's so much there... its so hard to pick and choose the best quotes!
Fandom: Final Fantasy VII
Fic: Vincent the Vampire King
One day Vincent was bored. He didnt want to be a boring person anymore.
Never thought of Vincent as boring. He's only an action hero who helped save the world, after all.
Then Valansa came who was the queen of the vampire people. She walked to the cave and sat close to him. "You can be a vampire with me" she said blinking her big eye lashes.
Mary Sue alert! Run for it!
She had a red cake with burning candles of evil and gave it to him. "This is for you."
Wait... is it a cape? No... it's a cake. With burning candles of evil. Right.
He heard the sound of a bunny and went there and sucked all its blood after he shot it!
So, if he's a vampire... isn't he supposed to bite it in some way, before sucking it's blood? Why did he shoot it first?!
"Urrrghhh what happened" said cloud when it was the next day. "You are my slave and you will go bite more bunnies!" Vincent said.
Because, the first thing Vincent would do, is totally make Cloud a vampire to go search for more bunnies.
"Now you must obey anything i say and Ill call you clyde."
Why is he now calling Cloud 'Clyde'?!
So then Aeris was in the field by the church with the flowers.
NOT the right way to start a new chapter.
"I am no Cloud" said Clyde. "I am CLYUDE!!"
You aren't Cloud... you're CLYUDE!!
"Go and BRING HIM TO ME SO I CAN HAVE HIM AS MY KING AS WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND NEVER BE APART EVER AGAIN!!"
The Mary Sue must have huge lungs to be able to yell all of that.
Then Clyde and Vincent saw them and were going to leave but then they had an ida!
Oh, my! I don't think it'll do them much good, though. Ida's are rare, but are not nearly as useful as ideas.
"I want to go ride a chocobop" he said to him.
I'll pass on the chocobop. I prefer Chocobos, anyway.
"I wish I could fly." said Vincent. "maybe you CAN!!" said Clyde and Vincent, started to float to the air. "i CAN!!" said Vincent with happy as he flew up across the sky.
So... apparently vampires have the ability to fly around in the air like Peter Pan?
Vincent laughed and told his vampire army to go, and find more vampires.
What army?! It consists only of Cloud/Clyde. One person! Where's the army?!
She held her cake where the evil candles started to shake and blasted up into the air where V incent was. The evil candle went up and hit him so he fell to the ground!
So that's the secret of the evil cake... the 'flaming candles of evil' double as homing rockets?
Clyde in his anger went to kill more bunnies meanwhile Valansa laughed e villy watching Vincent and her bats laughed evilly watching from a far in the tree off to the side far away from the place where the queen was at that time.
Commas? Periods? Anything?!
“Me want drink!” said Clyde. Then they stopped and he drank from the river in the woods.
I don't know about you, but I always thought vampires... you know, drank blood?
But she was sad because VINCENT WASN’T THERE, WITH HER!!
HOLY RANDOM COMMAS, BATMAN!
Then they saw Jack on the stump. “Hello Jack” they said.
It appears this is supposed to be Zack. What he's doing alive, I have no idea. Or Ida.
“want to be my vampire, army?” Vincent the Vampire King said. “Ok” So they were in the woods walking but this Army was expanding!!
Oh my! THREE vampires! Quite an army, there.
Everything was fine and the sky was bright and happy when a giant bug fell from the sky and squashedd Jack into the ground! “NOOOO. JACK!!” said the sad Vincent and Clyde and they cried and wore black for many days.
Talk about plot twists! It was so sudden, I really couldn't see it coming! At all. And that last line looks suspiciously like the one from 'The Mighty Donald Ducks.'
So there was a flash of light and he flew to the sky in a flash with feathers and birds and he was an angel.
...No comment.
They ran down the hell but the fence stopped them for it was white and wooden that went a long time!
Down the hell? Since when were they there?
it reminded them of jack and they were sad. "We will GET AVENGENCEE and not let Valansa make another evil cake!!" cried the vampire king and and he trained his army to prepare for battle.
Once again... not sensing the 'army' vibe there. And I don't see the significance of the CAKE, either.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
I think we get the point.
"I want some potaotes for me to eat." Said Clyde. So Clyde, went for some at the city busciness. "I think I want somecothles." Vincent said so they went for some new pants in the next store.
Weren't the supposed to be in the middle of a battle? Against Valansa's evil bats?
In teh store the manager was a good friend. "Hello Vincent the Vampire King" he said with friendliness.
Friendliness is always good. Especially when someone can magically know that Vincent is a vampire.
"i need some new pants." He said. "I hae some RIGHT HERE!!" Manager pulled out a large gun that was bigger then his head and started to fire at them!!
Does Manager not have a name? Is his name, Manager? And why does he have a huge gun like that?!
“I WILL GET YOUU!!’ said Manager as he fired more. Clyde took a bicycle and threw it at him hitting Manager in the faces where he fell and there was blood. “That took car of him’ said Vincent the Vampire King.
Quite the talented Manager! He has multiple faces! Though it didn't stop the bicycle, unfortunately.
They looked and saw there was a candle on his head that had mealted there. It was Valansas where it TOOK CONTROL OF HIM BRAN!!
It is revealed! The candles not only work as homing rockets, but can also enforce a type of mind control! Or... Bran control.
Valansa saw V incent and she grabbed her cake. “NOOO IT”S MINE! NOT YOUSR!!” she said and threw her fish prisoners at him.
NO NOT THE FISH PRISONERS! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Clyde was going to hit her but then Manager came back who wasn’t alive and ran him over with the bicke.“ARRRGH!” Clyde fell back as the bicyle hit him in the head and he bled to death it hit him.
Leave it to zombie!Manager to turn the tides of battle! And with the same bicycle, no less!
Valansa cried again and Vincent GRABBED HER CAKE AND ATE IT!! “NOOOO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE” valansa cried and fell down where she melted away and smoked.
What is this, the Wizard of Oz?
then he looked up where light was bright and glowing from above. Clyde was in a robe and had angel wings with a bright halo over his head. He went towards Vincent. “Its me” said Clyde who was floating. Vincent wa awe and took his hand and started to fly up with him to the hevans where the clouds where lit and happy.
I THINK MY BRAIN JUST DIED.