If fanfic were better, the fandom would go smoother
First of all, happy 2011, badfic_quotes!
Yesterday I saw my friend fresisui talking about a badfic on Twitter, and I had to ask her for it as the tireless sporker I am.
Oh, Hetalia fandom, you never fail to amuse me. The fic is kinda NSFW, but I snipped the sex scene because it was boring and cliché
Black Dahlia is the typical militant!shipping LietPol fic. OoCness, lack of basic documentation and rapetruck!Russia included. It's not finished, but oh well. Let's get it started!
Spork in bold, original in italics. Emphasis mine.
"Feliks, I love you." Lithuania said, hugging Poland tightly. "It will only be a few days and I'll be back."
"I know. I just hate you not being here." Poland said, hugging him back.
Lithuania heard the horn of the car honk. "I really have to go, hun. I call or text you. Bye, Poland."
You would think he's going to war or something, but hey. It's just the classical plot-tool conference. By the way, am I the only one that imagined this being a part of some kind of 50' sitcom, with the hun and everything?
[Snip! Poland worries about Russia kidnapping Lithuania. That's a militant fic, so it will happen. Lithuania, on the other hand, thinks about some little lovely things]
It's always about Russia. Lithuania hated the man. He tortured him. Beat him. Scarred him. He put fear into him. Fear, pain, slavery, everything. Poland hated him more for that. He always growled when he saw the scars. He growled for each one. He vowed that he would kill Russia. Only if it wasn't illegal. Lithuania wouldn't mind if Russia was dead. It would make the world go around smoother. That what the meeting was about today. What would make the world go around smoother. He would probably stay quiet for the meeting, not wanting any thoughts coming out. Some thoughts might freak some people out. Lithuania laughed to himself. Another one would be the marriage of Lithuania and Poland.
Deary me, our kind, reasonable and sometimes funnily hysterical Lithuania has been already kidnapped. Someone left this guy with wonderful ideas in his place! I mean, what's better than making disappear the biggest country in the world to make things go smoother? Slaughter really spices up a honeymoon too, you know. I usually think of killing my neighbor while planning my marriage with my best friend.
[Snip! The first chapter concludes with Lithuania falling asleep in the car, thinking about love and murder. The conference is, well, weird. Everyone likes the idea of the marriage. Everyone AGREES to kill Russia, but with certain and completely reasonable conditions.]
"The death of Russia?" America questioned, getting a 'are you insane?' tone in his voice.
"Yes. I think the countries would fear less if Russia was dead. I know it's illegal, but it would probably make things go a little more smoother. No more countries living in fear. I can get my brothers back. They can have their independence."
America looked at Lithuania with shock. "I never thought I would hear this coming from you, Lithuania."
"I've thought about it for the longest time. I know that Poland wants to kill Russia himself. My brothers call me everyday telling me what Russia has done to them. It would be the best for everyone.
"Didn't Latvia say he wanted to go with me?" Lithuania heard Germany say.
"He does."
"What about Estonia?" someone said.
"He wants to fend for himself. He would just back to his own country."
"I don't know about that Lithuania. It is illegal, but if we can get every country to say yes, it could happen.
When America is The Voice Of Reason in a Hetalia fanfic, you're doing it wrong. By the way, why aren't Latvia and Estonia independent? How would you make ONE SINGLE COUNTRY out of GERMANY and LATVIA? And why is everyone just fine with the idea of killing Russia?
Basic documentation is your best friend, kids, PAY ATTENTION TO IT.
The meeting ended sooner, things about the marriage and Russia's death popping up here and there.
“Hey, it would be so cute if Liechtenstein gave you the rings! Or Sealand, who is in this conference just because.”
“Oh my God, you're so right.”
“So well, we are shooting Russia down or poisoning him or what?”
“Dude, that's so dirty.”
I imagine the conversation going like that.
[Big snip! Russia kidnaps Lithuania (NOBODY SAW THAT COMING) and chains him to a, keep this in mind, “large metal pipe that came out of the ground” which is placed apparently on a bed located in some kind of warehouse. I don't know either. He gives him a blowjob, but Lithuania screams Poland's name instead of Russia's and he gets angry. Lithuania becomes a crying virgin, moans and all, and Poland phones him.]
He answered it frantically. "P-Poland."
"Like, yeah. You sound like you've been crying. What's wrong?"
"Help me." he whispered, and fell unconscious.
I bet Lithuania will magically recover from the trauma when Poland finds him. I mean, a warehouse with a bed with a steel pipe on it is pretty easy to find.
And of course, their love will kill Russia in a bloody, gory way. Just as love does.
Make your bets, sporkers! How will this charming tale end? Maybe I'll spork the next chapters too. I had to make this short, I was afraid of hitting the 1000 word limit!
Special thanks to fresisui, pilaren and misvan, who helped me with this! You're awesome, girls <3
If someone icons the “If Russia was dead, everything would go smoother” thing, he/she'll have my eternal and undying love.
Yesterday I saw my friend fresisui talking about a badfic on Twitter, and I had to ask her for it as the tireless sporker I am.
Oh, Hetalia fandom, you never fail to amuse me. The fic is kinda NSFW, but I snipped the sex scene because it was boring and cliché
Black Dahlia is the typical militant!shipping LietPol fic. OoCness, lack of basic documentation and rapetruck!Russia included. It's not finished, but oh well. Let's get it started!
Spork in bold, original in italics. Emphasis mine.
"Feliks, I love you." Lithuania said, hugging Poland tightly. "It will only be a few days and I'll be back."
"I know. I just hate you not being here." Poland said, hugging him back.
Lithuania heard the horn of the car honk. "I really have to go, hun. I call or text you. Bye, Poland."
You would think he's going to war or something, but hey. It's just the classical plot-tool conference. By the way, am I the only one that imagined this being a part of some kind of 50' sitcom, with the hun and everything?
[Snip! Poland worries about Russia kidnapping Lithuania. That's a militant fic, so it will happen. Lithuania, on the other hand, thinks about some little lovely things]
It's always about Russia. Lithuania hated the man. He tortured him. Beat him. Scarred him. He put fear into him. Fear, pain, slavery, everything. Poland hated him more for that. He always growled when he saw the scars. He growled for each one. He vowed that he would kill Russia. Only if it wasn't illegal. Lithuania wouldn't mind if Russia was dead. It would make the world go around smoother. That what the meeting was about today. What would make the world go around smoother. He would probably stay quiet for the meeting, not wanting any thoughts coming out. Some thoughts might freak some people out. Lithuania laughed to himself. Another one would be the marriage of Lithuania and Poland.
Deary me, our kind, reasonable and sometimes funnily hysterical Lithuania has been already kidnapped. Someone left this guy with wonderful ideas in his place! I mean, what's better than making disappear the biggest country in the world to make things go smoother? Slaughter really spices up a honeymoon too, you know. I usually think of killing my neighbor while planning my marriage with my best friend.
[Snip! The first chapter concludes with Lithuania falling asleep in the car, thinking about love and murder. The conference is, well, weird. Everyone likes the idea of the marriage. Everyone AGREES to kill Russia, but with certain and completely reasonable conditions.]
"The death of Russia?" America questioned, getting a 'are you insane?' tone in his voice.
"Yes. I think the countries would fear less if Russia was dead. I know it's illegal, but it would probably make things go a little more smoother. No more countries living in fear. I can get my brothers back. They can have their independence."
America looked at Lithuania with shock. "I never thought I would hear this coming from you, Lithuania."
"I've thought about it for the longest time. I know that Poland wants to kill Russia himself. My brothers call me everyday telling me what Russia has done to them. It would be the best for everyone.
"Didn't Latvia say he wanted to go with me?" Lithuania heard Germany say.
"He does."
"What about Estonia?" someone said.
"He wants to fend for himself. He would just back to his own country."
"I don't know about that Lithuania. It is illegal, but if we can get every country to say yes, it could happen.
When America is The Voice Of Reason in a Hetalia fanfic, you're doing it wrong. By the way, why aren't Latvia and Estonia independent? How would you make ONE SINGLE COUNTRY out of GERMANY and LATVIA? And why is everyone just fine with the idea of killing Russia?
Basic documentation is your best friend, kids, PAY ATTENTION TO IT.
The meeting ended sooner, things about the marriage and Russia's death popping up here and there.
“Hey, it would be so cute if Liechtenstein gave you the rings! Or Sealand, who is in this conference just because.”
“Oh my God, you're so right.”
“So well, we are shooting Russia down or poisoning him or what?”
“Dude, that's so dirty.”
I imagine the conversation going like that.
[Big snip! Russia kidnaps Lithuania (NOBODY SAW THAT COMING) and chains him to a, keep this in mind, “large metal pipe that came out of the ground” which is placed apparently on a bed located in some kind of warehouse. I don't know either. He gives him a blowjob, but Lithuania screams Poland's name instead of Russia's and he gets angry. Lithuania becomes a crying virgin, moans and all, and Poland phones him.]
He answered it frantically. "P-Poland."
"Like, yeah. You sound like you've been crying. What's wrong?"
"Help me." he whispered, and fell unconscious.
I bet Lithuania will magically recover from the trauma when Poland finds him. I mean, a warehouse with a bed with a steel pipe on it is pretty easy to find.
And of course, their love will kill Russia in a bloody, gory way. Just as love does.
Make your bets, sporkers! How will this charming tale end? Maybe I'll spork the next chapters too. I had to make this short, I was afraid of hitting the 1000 word limit!
Special thanks to fresisui, pilaren and misvan, who helped me with this! You're awesome, girls <3
If someone icons the “If Russia was dead, everything would go smoother” thing, he/she'll have my eternal and undying love.