Maybe it would hurt less if I just didn't care
So I'm trying to break my desperate addiction to South Park fanfiction, and I thought, 'what better way to get away from inanities about high schoolers dating each other than with some deep, life-or-death Death Note stories?'
But it appears my favourite fandom now makes even less sense than emotional!Cartman.
Things not to say or do to another guy
A list of all the things the DN boy cast have done or said that they should never say or do to another man. I'm bad at summeries. it's better than it sounds.
Alarm bells are already going off at "I'm bad at summeries" but I decide to brave it anyway. The first thing I noticed is that this is not based on ANYTHING the "DN boy cast have done or said". It is based on random ideas the author has had and decided to slap Death Note names on. All of these ideas are also COMPLETELY STUPID. Here are a few of my favourites.
#1: Never ask them to go to the dance floor with you.
Yes. I, for one, can think of no situation where two men may want to dance with one another. It's just completely stupid, really. I mean, what sort of men would dance with each other? Pfft. Gays.
Oh wait, YEAH.
I'm not pretending I know everything there is to know about the culture and behaviour of gay men, but I'm 90% sure that some of them, at some point, might maybe want to dance together. But this story seems to ignore the concept of homosexuality while simultaneously making the characters act camper than Big Gay Al.
"Oh Snap. Matt! Yo dude listen, that's my song! That's my song. Hey, why don't you come out to the dance floor and dance with me?" Mello asked. Matt stopped playing his DSi and gave Mello the WTF face.
I hope you like the WTF face because that's not the last we'll see of it.
#2: Never ask them if you look fat.
L looked at Light with an expressionless face even though he was thinking what the fuck, and said, "Light, the shorts don't make you look fat, you're just fat." L said and then threw the ball into the hoop. After that Light had stopped eating potato chips and soda.
Killing all the criminals in the world with the supernatural powers of the Death Gods was not about restoring justice and building a majestic new world. It was about boosting Light's fragile self esteem.
#9:Don't Ask for a hello kitty Band-Aid.
Matt was playing his Wii when Mello came in with a cut on his elbow. "Hey Matt I got a paper cut on my elbow, do you have any band aids?" Mello asked looking at his elbow. Matt paused his game and said, "Yeah, let me get you one." Matt said as he took out some from his desk. "Here" He said handing one to Mello who slapped them out of his hand and said, "No, I want Hello Kitties!" Matt gave him the WTF face and said, "Get the hell out of my room."
I warned you about the WTF face. But do you see what I mean about just putting names on random ideas? And I really, really need to get out of South Park quick because as soon as I saw Hello Kitty I just kept imagining Butters the whole way through the fic. It made a lot more sense that way.
...how did Mello, of all people, get a paper cut on his elbow?
#10: Don't say anything that just sounds wrong. O_e
The rest of the task force went to get pizza (and left L and Light because they were chained to each other). L threw the football and said, "Don't you just love playing with balls." Light was so distracted on how wrong that statement sounded that he didn't even catch the football.
Innuendo doesn't exist. You're imagining it. Men are civil and polite to each other at aaaall times.
Why are L and Light playing football.
#11: Ask if their ex girlfriend is available after a hard breakup
Mello and Matt were in a car. Matt was driving and Mello looked depressed. He then said. "Matt, my girlfriend, Peaches, broke up with me. It's horrible." Matt looked at Mello and asked, "Does that mean she's available?" Mello just glared at Matt.
This is my personal favourite for sheer WTFery. Somewhere in the middle of the Kira investigation Matt and Mello are just out rollin', and...do you know what, I don't even have the heart to carry on.
#12: Tell them they're a loser.
A loser. A LOSER. If most of my guy friends called another one a 'loser' they would be called a pussy for not coming up with a better insult.
Matsuda looked at Light and asked, "How come you didn't mention me?" Light was busy getting ready then said, "No offense Matsuda but you're a loser. I'm, like, popular and I can't have people knowing that we hang out." Later in life, Matsuda had one more reason to shoot Light.
'One more reason'? I should think Light's five year lie and the fact that he was responsible for the death of Matsuda's hero are more compelling factors. I also can't quite wrap my head around "I'm, like, popular". I don't think we're talking about the same Light.
#14: Ask which outfit looks better.
Light and l were chained together. Light then held up two suits and asked, "Which outfit looks better?" L looked at Light and said, "Are you sure those would fit you? You are sort of chubby." Light then never again asked L about clothing and started going to the gym with Mikami.
After making it clear that all these characters are, to this particular adolescent, Big Girl's Blouses, who care more for their appearances and their oh-so-sentive feeeeelings than anything else....this.
This story doesn't make me want to laugh at it so much as it makes me want to close my laptop in disgust and leave fandom forever.
#17: Tell a group of people about the time they had a brake down and cried. That's just mean.
It's also hilarious. Seriously, has this author even met a boy? Or are all the men I know, or have seen on television, or have ever heard about, just gigantic dicks?
#18: Give them a hair cut without them knowing.
One day Light decided to get revenge on L because he sold all of Lights cloths online (don't ask).
No, I'm asking. You can't say something that makes this little sense and then tell me not to ask. Why did L sell all of Light's clothes online?
While L was sleeping(he sleeps 1 hour per month and it was time for him to sleep).
YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING MY QUESTION.
Light grabbed a pair of sharp scissors and started cutting away. When L woke up he felt a light breeze on his head. He looked into a mirror and heard Light laughing while handcuffed to him. L glared at Light who was laughing. L then said, "At least I'm not fat." Light then stopped laughing and went to his emo corner.
I know this is meant to be Humor/Parody but it's just making me want to vomit. Why does L keep calling Light fat? That's more perplexing than funny.
#20: Ask them if you look sexy. Just don't do this.
Once again I'm led to believe all the men I know are atypical. Anyone as obsessed with their appearance as the men in this fic clearly are would surely be only too happy to offer advice on each other's 'daaaahling' outfits.
I can't decide if I find this more insulting, confusing or heartbreaking. I think it's a little of both. In fact, the only thing I think it didn't make me want to do it laugh.
Good job, humor author. Good job.
But it appears my favourite fandom now makes even less sense than emotional!Cartman.
Things not to say or do to another guy
A list of all the things the DN boy cast have done or said that they should never say or do to another man. I'm bad at summeries. it's better than it sounds.
Alarm bells are already going off at "I'm bad at summeries" but I decide to brave it anyway. The first thing I noticed is that this is not based on ANYTHING the "DN boy cast have done or said". It is based on random ideas the author has had and decided to slap Death Note names on. All of these ideas are also COMPLETELY STUPID. Here are a few of my favourites.
#1: Never ask them to go to the dance floor with you.
Yes. I, for one, can think of no situation where two men may want to dance with one another. It's just completely stupid, really. I mean, what sort of men would dance with each other? Pfft. Gays.
Oh wait, YEAH.
I'm not pretending I know everything there is to know about the culture and behaviour of gay men, but I'm 90% sure that some of them, at some point, might maybe want to dance together. But this story seems to ignore the concept of homosexuality while simultaneously making the characters act camper than Big Gay Al.
"Oh Snap. Matt! Yo dude listen, that's my song! That's my song. Hey, why don't you come out to the dance floor and dance with me?" Mello asked. Matt stopped playing his DSi and gave Mello the WTF face.
I hope you like the WTF face because that's not the last we'll see of it.
#2: Never ask them if you look fat.
L looked at Light with an expressionless face even though he was thinking what the fuck, and said, "Light, the shorts don't make you look fat, you're just fat." L said and then threw the ball into the hoop. After that Light had stopped eating potato chips and soda.
Killing all the criminals in the world with the supernatural powers of the Death Gods was not about restoring justice and building a majestic new world. It was about boosting Light's fragile self esteem.
#9:Don't Ask for a hello kitty Band-Aid.
Matt was playing his Wii when Mello came in with a cut on his elbow. "Hey Matt I got a paper cut on my elbow, do you have any band aids?" Mello asked looking at his elbow. Matt paused his game and said, "Yeah, let me get you one." Matt said as he took out some from his desk. "Here" He said handing one to Mello who slapped them out of his hand and said, "No, I want Hello Kitties!" Matt gave him the WTF face and said, "Get the hell out of my room."
I warned you about the WTF face. But do you see what I mean about just putting names on random ideas? And I really, really need to get out of South Park quick because as soon as I saw Hello Kitty I just kept imagining Butters the whole way through the fic. It made a lot more sense that way.
...how did Mello, of all people, get a paper cut on his elbow?
#10: Don't say anything that just sounds wrong. O_e
The rest of the task force went to get pizza (and left L and Light because they were chained to each other). L threw the football and said, "Don't you just love playing with balls." Light was so distracted on how wrong that statement sounded that he didn't even catch the football.
Innuendo doesn't exist. You're imagining it. Men are civil and polite to each other at aaaall times.
Why are L and Light playing football.
#11: Ask if their ex girlfriend is available after a hard breakup
Mello and Matt were in a car. Matt was driving and Mello looked depressed. He then said. "Matt, my girlfriend, Peaches, broke up with me. It's horrible." Matt looked at Mello and asked, "Does that mean she's available?" Mello just glared at Matt.
This is my personal favourite for sheer WTFery. Somewhere in the middle of the Kira investigation Matt and Mello are just out rollin', and...do you know what, I don't even have the heart to carry on.
#12: Tell them they're a loser.
A loser. A LOSER. If most of my guy friends called another one a 'loser' they would be called a pussy for not coming up with a better insult.
Matsuda looked at Light and asked, "How come you didn't mention me?" Light was busy getting ready then said, "No offense Matsuda but you're a loser. I'm, like, popular and I can't have people knowing that we hang out." Later in life, Matsuda had one more reason to shoot Light.
'One more reason'? I should think Light's five year lie and the fact that he was responsible for the death of Matsuda's hero are more compelling factors. I also can't quite wrap my head around "I'm, like, popular". I don't think we're talking about the same Light.
#14: Ask which outfit looks better.
Light and l were chained together. Light then held up two suits and asked, "Which outfit looks better?" L looked at Light and said, "Are you sure those would fit you? You are sort of chubby." Light then never again asked L about clothing and started going to the gym with Mikami.
After making it clear that all these characters are, to this particular adolescent, Big Girl's Blouses, who care more for their appearances and their oh-so-sentive feeeeelings than anything else....this.
This story doesn't make me want to laugh at it so much as it makes me want to close my laptop in disgust and leave fandom forever.
#17: Tell a group of people about the time they had a brake down and cried. That's just mean.
It's also hilarious. Seriously, has this author even met a boy? Or are all the men I know, or have seen on television, or have ever heard about, just gigantic dicks?
#18: Give them a hair cut without them knowing.
One day Light decided to get revenge on L because he sold all of Lights cloths online (don't ask).
No, I'm asking. You can't say something that makes this little sense and then tell me not to ask. Why did L sell all of Light's clothes online?
While L was sleeping(he sleeps 1 hour per month and it was time for him to sleep).
YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING MY QUESTION.
Light grabbed a pair of sharp scissors and started cutting away. When L woke up he felt a light breeze on his head. He looked into a mirror and heard Light laughing while handcuffed to him. L glared at Light who was laughing. L then said, "At least I'm not fat." Light then stopped laughing and went to his emo corner.
I know this is meant to be Humor/Parody but it's just making me want to vomit. Why does L keep calling Light fat? That's more perplexing than funny.
#20: Ask them if you look sexy. Just don't do this.
Once again I'm led to believe all the men I know are atypical. Anyone as obsessed with their appearance as the men in this fic clearly are would surely be only too happy to offer advice on each other's 'daaaahling' outfits.
I can't decide if I find this more insulting, confusing or heartbreaking. I think it's a little of both. In fact, the only thing I think it didn't make me want to do it laugh.
Good job, humor author. Good job.