After much deliberation...
I finally decided that I was just going to spork this GaaLee fic, because it seriously needs to be done and because I am procrastinating on packing for my big, cross-country move (time for another good idea, bad idea!) Admittedly, it is not the worst fic out there. It really has potential, if only the author would learn to use proper grammar, stop using cliches, and seriously cut back on the purple pros. It is on LJ, so I will refrain from linking and what not.
This fic is currently nineteen chapters long, and not done. It is a Naruto fic, that pairs Gaara and Lee (which is my OTP). The quotes and such are from throughout the fic. All sporking in bold.
"..., everything in a ten food radius..."
This isn't that bad. But it makes me giggle. I'm trying to imagine this. So every ten pieces of food all around them... Oh, typos. Could have been fixed with a beta.
"...and his hair fell beneath his head like a short black waterfall of silk."
Oh, the silky waterfall! Oh the purple pros! Be warned, this waterfall will make another apperance later.
"Gaara scanned the final piece of paperwork with his eyes..."
No. He scanned it with a scanner. Beep. Price check! Again, not so bad, mostly just redundant.
"Lee drove his tongue back between Gaara’s lips and began to trace every inch of his gums, teeth, tongue, and throat."
WHAT?!?! His throat? When did Lee become Orochimaru??!?! And does Gaara not have a gag reflex? Just. No.
"They were plain black silk that hung on his hips like a dark waterfall."
It's our friend, the black waterfall of silk! I think we should probably dam the river that is the source of this waterfall. I have a feeling it is full of oil.
"...where Gaara’s tongue was waiting to play."
No. No. No. No. Please, make it stop. Why??? What is with writers thinking this is an erotic image? It is weird. I have the image of Gaara's tongue boucning a ball around waiting to play a game of handball or catch or something. It is weird and unsettling.
"Now, they were apparently innovating."
Innovating in bed, mind you. They were making up new ways to have sex. Those creative ninja. The Kamasutra has nothing on them.
"Gaara’s skin tasted like salt and cinnamon."
Does he roll around in cinnamon? Apparently Suna is not made of sand, it is made of cinnamon. He is actually Gaara of the Cinnamon. This is one of Suna's most well kept secrets.
"Gaara’s smooth, ivory skin was a blank canvas, and Lee’s tongue was the eager paint brush."
Oh, god, no why?!?!? Why??? Stop trying to be artistic and colourful and so full of metaphors! It is not working. Sometimes metaphors, similes, and so on are not your friend.
"Gaara’s bloody red locks were sweaty..."
Gaara's hair is bleeding. It's sweating blood, in fact.
"Lee could taste something bitter and salty in the back of his throat. Precum, he guessed."
No. It's candy. Gaara's come is candy. He is made of cinnamon and candy; he is sweet and delicious.
"But that thought didn’t help fill the bleeding hole in his soul."
Oh, the drama. The pain. the angst. The bleeding holes in his soul. Seriously, tone it down a bit. And find a better way to describe his pain.
"...the strong heartbeat in his veins."
Your heartbeat is not in your veins. Anatomy, people, it's important.
"Gaara’s lips felt...warm like brownies fresh from the oven."
Because nothing says sexy like a batch of mother's freshly baked brownies! Hmm, bite me off a piece of that! -headdesk-
***
On that note, I will stop sporking. There was plenty more melodrama and angst that I could have done--like Lee referring to Gaara as his "angel." I mean, really, what??? O_o
It honestly makes me sad that my OTP has such a small fanbase and that said fanbase is full of this kind of stuff.
This fic is currently nineteen chapters long, and not done. It is a Naruto fic, that pairs Gaara and Lee (which is my OTP). The quotes and such are from throughout the fic. All sporking in bold.
"..., everything in a ten food radius..."
This isn't that bad. But it makes me giggle. I'm trying to imagine this. So every ten pieces of food all around them... Oh, typos. Could have been fixed with a beta.
"...and his hair fell beneath his head like a short black waterfall of silk."
Oh, the silky waterfall! Oh the purple pros! Be warned, this waterfall will make another apperance later.
"Gaara scanned the final piece of paperwork with his eyes..."
No. He scanned it with a scanner. Beep. Price check! Again, not so bad, mostly just redundant.
"Lee drove his tongue back between Gaara’s lips and began to trace every inch of his gums, teeth, tongue, and throat."
WHAT?!?! His throat? When did Lee become Orochimaru??!?! And does Gaara not have a gag reflex? Just. No.
"They were plain black silk that hung on his hips like a dark waterfall."
It's our friend, the black waterfall of silk! I think we should probably dam the river that is the source of this waterfall. I have a feeling it is full of oil.
"...where Gaara’s tongue was waiting to play."
No. No. No. No. Please, make it stop. Why??? What is with writers thinking this is an erotic image? It is weird. I have the image of Gaara's tongue boucning a ball around waiting to play a game of handball or catch or something. It is weird and unsettling.
"Now, they were apparently innovating."
Innovating in bed, mind you. They were making up new ways to have sex. Those creative ninja. The Kamasutra has nothing on them.
"Gaara’s skin tasted like salt and cinnamon."
Does he roll around in cinnamon? Apparently Suna is not made of sand, it is made of cinnamon. He is actually Gaara of the Cinnamon. This is one of Suna's most well kept secrets.
"Gaara’s smooth, ivory skin was a blank canvas, and Lee’s tongue was the eager paint brush."
Oh, god, no why?!?!? Why??? Stop trying to be artistic and colourful and so full of metaphors! It is not working. Sometimes metaphors, similes, and so on are not your friend.
"Gaara’s bloody red locks were sweaty..."
Gaara's hair is bleeding. It's sweating blood, in fact.
"Lee could taste something bitter and salty in the back of his throat. Precum, he guessed."
No. It's candy. Gaara's come is candy. He is made of cinnamon and candy; he is sweet and delicious.
"But that thought didn’t help fill the bleeding hole in his soul."
Oh, the drama. The pain. the angst. The bleeding holes in his soul. Seriously, tone it down a bit. And find a better way to describe his pain.
"...the strong heartbeat in his veins."
Your heartbeat is not in your veins. Anatomy, people, it's important.
"Gaara’s lips felt...warm like brownies fresh from the oven."
Because nothing says sexy like a batch of mother's freshly baked brownies! Hmm, bite me off a piece of that! -headdesk-
***
On that note, I will stop sporking. There was plenty more melodrama and angst that I could have done--like Lee referring to Gaara as his "angel." I mean, really, what??? O_o
It honestly makes me sad that my OTP has such a small fanbase and that said fanbase is full of this kind of stuff.