37th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video/private text][backdated to monday morning]

[killer_melon]

[The feed comes on to a rather dour looking silver haired teen, scowling at a little furry creature in front of him on the table. While usually he would be all kinds of excited to see a strange animal being a shameless occult nerd, after last week he felt that it was replacing his mother. So many people had just up an vanished lately, including

Comments

[in person, if

[fortunatefan]

[Look who's standing in the doorway to your room just a moment later? That stalker-talent? Its not solely yours anymore, Hayato. His creature was walking behind him shortly. Ryuutaro had not paid much attention to it yet.]

Not busy at all. Can I come in?

[Quite the contrary of busy. Ever since he got up early in the morning he'd practically been waiting for Hayato to contact him]

[in person]

[killer_melon]

[Hayato was a bit surprised how quickly Ryuutaro responded... and that he responded right outside his door.]

Yeah, of course.

[And ignoring the pouting little animal on his table, he got up to greet his boyfriend. He didn't really know what he wanted to do, or even what he could say... he just didn't want to be alone at the moment.]

[in person]

[fortunatefan]

[Ryuutaro stepped in until he was in front of Hayato and took his hands as he smiled up at him. He had known monday would be hard ever from their conversation in the dining room... actually even before. His fortune-telling, or whatever was left of it here, told him the same thing, but it's not like he needed it in this case. It had been obvious.]

Good morning.

Re: [in person]

[killer_melon]

[Hayato looked down at their hands and smiled weakly, giving them a little squeeze.]

Mornin'....

[And he leaned down to bump his head against Ryuutaro's affectionately as his smile faded. He just... didn't feel good...and he didn't know how to deal with it. Usually he'd just go out and take his temper out on someone else, but now that just didn't feel like an option. Not after he had died anyway. He couldn't even find the motivation to work on his bombs or formulas. What was the point anymore? He felt all sorts of mixed up and jumbled, he had been here for too long...]

[in person]

[fortunatefan]

[Ryuutaro let go of Hayato's hands, but only to wrap his arms around him

Re: [in person]

[killer_melon]

[Hayato instantly wrapped his arms around Ryuutaro, holding him tightly and just clutching onto the fabric on his clothes. Everyone was leaving, but as long as Ryuutaro was here... as long as he could see him, then he couldn't disappear too.]

R-Ryuutaro... I... I...

[He what? He couldn't think of what to say. He just wanted to try and tell Ryuutaro how he felt or just talk to him, Ryuutaro always knew what to say to help him sort himself out, but right now there was just so much eating at him that he couldn't make sense of it. He wanted help but he didn't know what for. He tightened his grip just a little more, possibly pushing the boundaries of being just a little too tight]

[in person]

[fortunatefan]

[Ryuutaro didn't feel too well under the extreme pressure of Hayato's arms, but for now he could stand it. He knew that Hayato would take horribly to him trying to tell him something as silly as this right now, so he let it be. It wasn't as if he was so ridiculously weak that he couldn't even handle his boyfriend clinging to him.

So instead of complaining, he gently let his fingers run over Hayato's back, non-verbally telling him to calm down and relax.]

Ssshh... I know. You don't need rush into talking, we have time...

[It pleased Ryuutaro to see he was getting at least a bit better at handling this sort of situation. Finding out that the way he had talked to customers had nothing to do with saying the right things to someone close to him had been horrifying.
While not being close to people, Ryuutaro had always thought he understood them quite well. It had turned out, that that was not the case. He only knew how to get them to do what he wanted, but learning the opposite was harder than he would've thought.]

Re: [in person]

[killer_melon]

[Hayato nodded and tried taking a few deep shaky breaths to try and calm himself. He did seem to relax a little bit, fortunately. His hold on Ryuutaro loosened until the only thing supporting his arms was his grip on the fabric. He just continued leaning against him, almost limply now.

He didn't need to talk... Ryuutaro was right here... he wasn't going anywhere. But the sooner that this got worked out, the sooner he would feel better.]

[in person]

[fortunatefan]

[Ryuutaro kept up with the comforting petting-movements and stayed silent for a while, just letting Hayato feel that he was with him. For minutes they just remained in that position.

He did want to talk and try figure this out with Hayato, but at the same time he didn't know where to start.]

Hayato? Should we sit down, maybe?... it's not like we're going anywhere soon.

[Naturally he was not doing to deny further hugs and cuddling from Hayato, not now, but somehow actually settling down seemed like a better starting point for conversations]

Re: [in person]

[killer_melon]

[The teen slowly pulled back, letting one of his hands take up Ryuutaro's as he moved to sit on the bed.

He stared at their hands together for a moment, before just leaning against Ryuutaro. He didn't say anything yet though, he couldn't. He didn't know how to work any of it out. He couldn't pinpoint what was wrong, or maybe there were just so many things wrong he didn't know what to do.

For now though, all he wanted was to be near Ryuutaro. Ryuutaro had never left him, or hurt him, all he had ever done was be there for him. Ryuutaro was just always there, and in light of recent events he needed that more than anything right now.]

[in person]

[fortunatefan]

[Ryuutaro let Hayato rest on him. If that was what he needed then Ryuutaro would be there for it. They could sit in silence and just be... it would be fine.
In situations like this he didn't feel like either of them would need words to prevent possible awkwardness. Saying nothing until words came was good enough. Ryuutaro might want to talk this through but not until Hayato was ready.

Ryuutaro liked silence. Living alone it had always been a part of his life and sometimes he just couldn't stand how loud people were at times. Silence was comforting.

The fortune-teller slowly let his thumb run over the skin of Hayato's hand, seeming absent-minded in the movement, as if it just came without thinking]

Re: [in person]

[killer_melon]

[It took him a few minutes of just calming himself down, watching Ryuutaro stroke his hand, before he could finally speak.]

Ryuutaro... since you came here... have you ever felt like you really wanted to go home.... but at the same time nothing scares you more than actually being sent home?

[It was only the tip of the iceberg and not exactly the most coherent of statements... but it was something. He was talking...]

[in person]

[fortunatefan]

[Fortunate enough Ryuutaro felt as if he exactly knew what Hayato meant. He nodded a bit, smiling faintly. It was not a smile of happyness nor was it particularly bitter, it was just there.]

Most of the time, if I'm honest. Sometimes more and sometimes less.

[Well, it had started when he and Hayato got close and lately it had faded a bit, but Ryuutaro didn't feel like going into detail about himself here.
He knew though that the longer he stayed at the Manor, the less he felt like he should return home, ignoring some moments of bad homesickness.]

Re: [in person]

[killer_melon]

I... I don't want to lose you, and this place is the only chance I've got to see my mom... but...

[He cringed held Ryuutaro's hand a bit tighter, this was clearly a large part of what bothered him.]

But the Vongola's gone... I... haven't seen the Tenth since Christmas... after I told him about us... his name's still on the door though. I don't know... maybe I did something wrong? But even if he's avoidin' me... I should have seen him somewhere. Everyone from home is just... gone. I don't know what to do without the Vongola... I've tried to keep my skills sharp and everything, but what if I'm too different now? What if they all come back and I can't do my job?

[And he's starting to get more frantic as he speaks]

When boss was here... he was just... so much stronger than I am... I mean he's always been stronger, but I've still been able to watch his back- now... I just get in the way.... what if... what if he finds a stronger storm guardian and I have to step down? What if I have to go back to Italy?!

[And he's worked himself into

[in person]

[fortunatefan]

[Ryuutaro watched Hayato walk and talk in silence. For a moment he couldn't help but feel irrationally angry at the Vongola. He knew they had pretty much saved Hayato and given him a place to belong at, but right now they were the reason he was hurting.
He pushed the feeling aside quickly. They weren't here right now, but Hayato was. He could be angry later.
Ryuutaro gets up again as well, walking up to Hayato to play his hands over his boyfriend's softly.]

Stop this... It's not your fault. The Author is messing with you...

[His voice had changed into this quit but firm tone he mostly used when talking to Hayato in such situations.]

You've done nothing wrong. You're not going to die and you're not going back to anything bad either.

[Saying the word 'die' hurt more than expected. The mere thought of witnessing that again was enough to have Ryuutaro tempted to cringe in pain, but luckily he got the feeling to pass a moment after.]Being here without them only means you gather extra experience for this time... it might seem like you'

Re: [in person]

[killer_melon]

[Hayato once again stared at their hands, unable to make eye contact at the moment. While he knew Ryuutaro didn't fully understand the extent of just how behind he was when it came to his power, just hearing how much faith he had in him was comforting. He even took a bit of solace in his words. But the comfort he took from Ryuutaro brought up the other issue...]

And what if I lose you and any chance to see my mother again? I-it's like I have to decide between my home and the people that make me happy.

[He leaned his head down on Ryuutaro's shoulder to hide his face]

What would I do without being able to hold you... and talk to you when things get hard? A-and my mom... sh-she's not here a lot but... but... she's the only person that's told me she loved me and mean it...