37th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video/private text][backdated to monday morning]
[The feed comes on to a rather dour looking silver haired teen, scowling at a little furry creature in front of him on the table. While usually he would be all kinds of excited to see a strange animal being a shameless occult nerd, after last week he felt that it was replacing his mother. So many people had just up an vanished lately, including
( Read more... )
After last week, he himself was mostly fine. Tobio was no a person who meant overly much to him, despite them getting along okay if pushed into it. He had had a chance to beybattle and it was more than he had expected to be able to. Beyblading against someone again was usually something he was afraid of thinking about.
He didn't expect much change at the Manor and going home... he avoided the thoughts to the best of his ability.
Even with his own warped sense of what families were like, it wasn't hard to figure, that Hayato had to feel awful. Sitting this day through with him was probably the least he could do.
Occasionally, but really just sometimes, he still wondered how this happened. Now after meeting Tobio and being reminded of what his world was actually like -at days he was close to losing the feeling of it- he felt this way again, but only for a short moment.
He loved Hayato and there were enough moments to make up for going through his pain with him as well.]
Reply
R-Ryuutaro... I... I...
[He what? He couldn't think of what to say. He just wanted to try and tell Ryuutaro how he felt or just talk to him, Ryuutaro always knew what to say to help him sort himself out, but right now there was just so much eating at him that he couldn't make sense of it. He wanted help but he didn't know what for. He tightened his grip just a little more, possibly pushing the boundaries of being just a little too tight]
Reply
So instead of complaining, he gently let his fingers run over Hayato's back, non-verbally telling him to calm down and relax.]
Ssshh... I know. You don't need rush into talking, we have time...
[It pleased Ryuutaro to see he was getting at least a bit better at handling this sort of situation. Finding out that the way he had talked to customers had nothing to do with saying the right things to someone close to him had been horrifying.
While not being close to people, Ryuutaro had always thought he understood them quite well. It had turned out, that that was not the case. He only knew how to get them to do what he wanted, but learning the opposite was harder than he would've thought.]
Reply
He didn't need to talk... Ryuutaro was right here... he wasn't going anywhere. But the sooner that this got worked out, the sooner he would feel better.]
Reply
He did want to talk and try figure this out with Hayato, but at the same time he didn't know where to start.]
Hayato? Should we sit down, maybe?... it's not like we're going anywhere soon.
[Naturally he was not doing to deny further hugs and cuddling from Hayato, not now, but somehow actually settling down seemed like a better starting point for conversations]
Reply
He stared at their hands together for a moment, before just leaning against Ryuutaro. He didn't say anything yet though, he couldn't. He didn't know how to work any of it out. He couldn't pinpoint what was wrong, or maybe there were just so many things wrong he didn't know what to do.
For now though, all he wanted was to be near Ryuutaro. Ryuutaro had never left him, or hurt him, all he had ever done was be there for him. Ryuutaro was just always there, and in light of recent events he needed that more than anything right now.]
Reply
In situations like this he didn't feel like either of them would need words to prevent possible awkwardness. Saying nothing until words came was good enough. Ryuutaro might want to talk this through but not until Hayato was ready.
Ryuutaro liked silence. Living alone it had always been a part of his life and sometimes he just couldn't stand how loud people were at times. Silence was comforting.
The fortune-teller slowly let his thumb run over the skin of Hayato's hand, seeming absent-minded in the movement, as if it just came without thinking]
Reply
Ryuutaro... since you came here... have you ever felt like you really wanted to go home.... but at the same time nothing scares you more than actually being sent home?
[It was only the tip of the iceberg and not exactly the most coherent of statements... but it was something. He was talking...]
Reply
Most of the time, if I'm honest. Sometimes more and sometimes less.
[Well, it had started when he and Hayato got close and lately it had faded a bit, but Ryuutaro didn't feel like going into detail about himself here.
He knew though that the longer he stayed at the Manor, the less he felt like he should return home, ignoring some moments of bad homesickness.]
Reply
[He cringed held Ryuutaro's hand a bit tighter, this was clearly a large part of what bothered him.]
But the Vongola's gone... I... haven't seen the Tenth since Christmas... after I told him about us... his name's still on the door though. I don't know... maybe I did something wrong? But even if he's avoidin' me... I should have seen him somewhere. Everyone from home is just... gone. I don't know what to do without the Vongola... I've tried to keep my skills sharp and everything, but what if I'm too different now? What if they all come back and I can't do my job?
[And he's starting to get more frantic as he speaks]
When boss was here... he was just... so much stronger than I am... I mean he's always been stronger, but I've still been able to watch his back- now... I just get in the way.... what if... what if he finds a stronger storm guardian and I have to step down? What if I have to go back to Italy?!
[And he's worked himself into a full blown panic, unable to sit down any longer, he gets up and starts pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair.]
I-I'd have to be a freelance hitman on the streets again... I-I'd rather die than have to go back to that... but I... I promised I wouldn't... [So he would have to live that life again for the sake of his promise...] I-I can't go back to that... but.. but what if this is my fault somehow? W-what if I'm doing something to make them all leave?! I just... I just... I just don't know anymore...
[And he paused his pacing just clutching his head, hoping in vain that if he applied pressure it would make this horrible feeling just go away.]
Reply
He pushed the feeling aside quickly. They weren't here right now, but Hayato was. He could be angry later.
Ryuutaro gets up again as well, walking up to Hayato to play his hands over his boyfriend's softly.]
Stop this... It's not your fault. The Author is messing with you...
[His voice had changed into this quit but firm tone he mostly used when talking to Hayato in such situations.]
You've done nothing wrong. You're not going to die and you're not going back to anything bad either.
[Saying the word 'die' hurt more than expected. The mere thought of witnessing that again was enough to have Ryuutaro tempted to cringe in pain, but luckily he got the feeling to pass a moment after.]
Being here without them only means you gather extra experience for this time... it might seem like you're behind, but actually you'll be ahead.
[He wasn't sure if he entirely believed what he was saying. What he did actually think about was Hayato going back to the Vongola and for a moment he felt as if he was supporting his boyfriend into leaving him.]
Reply
And what if I lose you and any chance to see my mother again? I-it's like I have to decide between my home and the people that make me happy.
[He leaned his head down on Ryuutaro's shoulder to hide his face]
What would I do without being able to hold you... and talk to you when things get hard? A-and my mom... sh-she's not here a lot but... but... she's the only person that's told me she loved me and mean it...
Reply
It hurt a lot and that was why it took Ryuutaro some time to register Hayato's last and silent words.
... that was right. He had never said it. It seemed almost weird to him that Hayato wouldn't just know because it should be so obvious.
Ryuutaro struggled with himself. This moment didn't feel right for it, but at the same time he just wanted to tell Hayato that he loved him and that this was why they belonged right next to each other, again and again, until he finally understood.
For a moment he couldn't say anything at all. He just wanted to have Hayato promise again and again that he would stay with him... But that felt weak and pathetic and with all the things Hayato had said he just couldn't.]
....it's not like you have to chose right now...
Reply
R-right... I'm here now, with you. I just gotta stay strong for the Vongola and... treasure all the time I have with the person that I... that I...
[The person that he loved, but couldn't say it. Everyone he told he loved either hurt him or disappeared. He couldn't risk that, especially not now. Not when he needed this support the most. It didn't help that he wholeheartedly believed that the only person who was capable of loving him was his mother. He knew Ryuutaro cared about him, but love? That would be too far fetched. Hayato was grateful enough that he let him spend time with him, and hold him, and let him be close. That was all he needed. It was all he could ever expect to have, and it was more than enough for him.
His brows knit together and he looked off to the side. He couldn't even tell him that he loved him. What could he even do right anymore?]
Reply
Leave a comment