Nov 27, 2011 09:47
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I wonder everyday as I look upon your face, aw-huh,..Everything you gave And nothing you would take, aw huh,..Nothing you would take Everything you gave...Did I say that I need you? Oh, did I say that I want you? Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,...No one knows this more than me. As I come clean, ah-ah...Nothing you would take,..Everything you gave. Hold me till I die,.. Meet you on the other side. )
comment: kate beckett,
richard castle,
plot: canon shift 2
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Kate is afraid to move, as if her stillness is a spell, and as if moving will break it. She blinks heavily, trying to make sure it's really him, that she's not so drunk she's hallucinating his presence. She supposes it's possible, because the hallway seems wobbly and everything is blurry. But she's not sure if that's from the remaining alcohol in her system or the tears.
He moves first, and her breath catches in his throat. He's real, he's here, he's back and he's saying her name. She loves how it sounds when he says her name. Even here, in this weird, swirling manor and this strange kidnapping she can't understand, when he says her name it feels like home.
She braces the door, and pushes herself off of it, forcing herself to move into the hallway. The fast movement makes her woozy, and she forces herself to put one foot in front of the other to move towards him. She holds out her arms in front of her, partly because she needs to touch him, and partially because she thinks if he doesn't catch her, she might fall.]
Castle... [She can't seem to find anything else to say, and just stumbles towards him blindly] You came back. You came back...
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Where would I go?
[He brushes some hair from her face, he still can't quite believe, but that's not right because somehow he knew he'd find her and she'd be fine. It's like a a hazy dream he can't quite remember all the details of.]
Shh...I'm here. I'm here. Are you--[Pardon him, he's almost sure she's fine, but he's going to put his hand over her chest. When he pulls it away he's nearly sure he sees blood, but he blinks and it's gone. For a moment...He could believe that she was shot and in the panic trying to help her he was hit too. That they both died back there...and this...is whatever comes after.] Are we?
[Castle's brow creases. Concern. Confusion. A calm sort of knowing. It's all there like layers of overlapping film.]
You were shot. [His voice cracks, he can't help it. He was sure. He was so sure she was going to slip away.] I th--I thought...I lost you.
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And then she realizes what's happened. He remembers. The Author sent him back... For what? To torture him by letting him live out those moments? What kind of sick person got joy out of making someone experience that?
She didn't bring it up again when he was here before for a reason.]
It's fine. I'm fine. [She's lying, of course, and if her tears and the smell of booze on her breath isn't enough to prove that, well... She knows he knows.] Castle, I...
[She stops the words before they come out and just holds him for a moment. He's so warm, and real, and she breathes him in, trying to memorize all of it. Just in case.
The after a moment, she pulls herself away. She's still wobbling, though, and she keeps her hands on his arms for the support. Partly because of that, but she also has to admit to herself that she doesn't want to let go.]
Do you remember being here before?
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He waits expectantly for her to finish her thought, but when the words don't come and she lingers there like that in his arms it's enough that she doesn't actually have to say what he's almost sure she was thinking. If the look she gave him during her eulogy was any indication. If she heard what he said right before he felt her slip away.
He keeps a hold of her arm, partly to keep her steady, and partly because he's almost afraid that if he takes his hand off her she might vanish. He's not quite willing to let go. A passing moment he isn't sure that he actually heard her right.]
Before? [He pauses.] I...No? [He looks a little confused.] I didn't.. I do a little. it's like... a dream that I can't quite remember. I don't, not really.
[But he does, vaguely. Enough to know that he was here before, but not enough to remember anything...important, and he hates that feeling.]
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When I got here, you'd already been here for a couple weeks. And then you disappeared. You've been gone for about a week.
[She really hoped he didn't have any more questions, mostly because she still didn't have any answers for him. She already felt enough like a failure without the fact that she didn't have any way to logically explain what was happening to them.]
I... haven't found out anything while you've been gone. [She doesn't feel a need to go into it. It's Castle, and he'll see her wall eventually. He'll know she's been trying, not that it counted for anything. But this isn't the NYPD, it's just Castle, and maybe for him trying will have been enough.] I still don't know why we're here and I still don't know how to get us home. I'm sorry.
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[Castle's expression changes to something much more sad and frightened. He trails off and doesn't finish his thought.. He honestly doesn't think he has to. If the feeling he has in the pit of his stomach is right, she knows exactly what happened. What makes that even worse is the fact that if she's right (and he knows she is, what reason would she have to lie to him?) then he left her here alone to deal with whatever this is.]
I'm sure you did your best. Besides, you're really not half as good as you think you are on your own. You sort of need me... [He teases and a little smirk creeps to the corners of his lips, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.] Lets get you some coffee.
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Because she doesn't want him to see her like this. She doesn't like it when he sees her weak. He would try to fix it, and he can't. No one can but her.]
You can say it. I was shot. We're going to have to deal with it and hope you didn't get in the way of the sniper and take a bullet, too. Because if we're both dead we're not getting out of here any time soon.
[She makes herself shut up, because she knows she's not helping matters. Her head is killing her and her stomach is churning, and she holds her head in her hands for a moment. Then she looks up at him.
Damn, he's right. She hates how much she needs him, but she does. Even if it's just to bring her a cup of coffee in the morning to tell her... Well, whatever it means. She always suspected it was more than just coffee.]
I'm glad you're here, Castle. [And with that, she starts wobbling towards the kitchen.]
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The last thing he remembers is watching everything that is her drain out of her eyes. The last thing he remembers is begging her not to leave him. Everything about this place? Is not much more than thin hazy memories of a story that he should have written down before he forgot, but didn't. It is frustrating.]
You were shot. [He said it. It's there voiced and real. She was shot. He's not angry, but his tone is a bit rough.] I was leaning over you and...I watched you slipping away. I don't know, Beckett. Maybe, I was shot. I watched you, you were all I could see.
[He might not ever get that image out of his head. Frightened look in her eyes, her shallow labored breaths. The way she looked at him and the tears. He was terrified, he knows she was too. That's part of the reason why he told her that he loved her, because he couldn't let her go without knowing, and he had to give her a reason to fight.]
I held you in my arms, dying and then? I woke up in that room.
[He reaches out, to catch her arm as she starts away from him, but thinks better of it. Instead, he moves to fall in step beside her. The offer of support there, even if she doesn't take it.]
Beckett, I'm sorry that I was gone, and if I can help it I won't go anywhere again.
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And then the words. The words he had said to her and... He was upset. He was watching her die and sometimes when people are panicking they say things they don't mean. Of course he would want to give her some comfort in her last moments. He was her friend, hell, he was probably her best friend as much as it pained her sometimes to admit it. But if he had died too? Well, then it was her fault. He shouldn't have come to her, not even for that, not with a sniper shooting./]
That was stupid, Castle. You jumped in the sight of a sniper. What were you thinking? [She didn't want to accept that he was thinking the same thing she would have been. If it had been her watching him go down, she would have taken a bullet before she let him die alone.
But that we her responsibility, not his. She was the cop, and he was the ride along. She was supposed to take care of him.]
If you find a way out of here again, you take it. [She stopped in her tracks and turned to look at him, steeling her eyes to say something she meant, but not something she really wanted.] Alexis needs you. She needs her dad and if I can help it, I'm not going to be the one to take that away from her.
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[He looks absolutely broken hearted. Of course, he wouldn't have left her there to possibly die, in the grass, all on her own. Sniper or not.]
Nothing else mattered...
[Selfish. That's what it was it was selfish and stupid, because he should have been thinking about his daughter, but he wasn't. He was thinking about her, just Kate.]
Not without you. [He's matter-of-fact and firm.] I won't go without you. Not again. Not ever again...[He shakes his head, pressing his lips together in a tight line. Why? Why did you have to do that, Kate. He can see you want to be selfish yourself, you want him to stay why can't you just--say it.
He meant it. He said he loved you and he didn't want to lose you. He meant it and your lying to yourself if you think it was just one of those things someone says in a moment of panic. He's been saying it for years this was just the first time you heard him.]
You aren't the one who took me away from her.
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He's not supposed to be here. He's supposed to be at home, writing away in his expensive penthouse, thinking murder was all about plot points and character development and not real people. He's not supposed to watch his friends die. He doesn't deserve that.
She wants to blame herself for pulling him into it, but really, she had fought it tooth and nail. But Montgomery was right... He wouldn't be there if she didn't want him. Maybe it was time to start pushing him away again. Maybe he needed the distance to remember that she couldn't possibly be what he wanted.
Even if he was everything she wanted in the world.]
Castle, listen... [She's not going to address what he told her. She figures if he asks, she'll tell him she doesn't remember. There's no point in embarrassing him or making it into something bigger than it was.] I wasn't much older than Alexis when my mom died, and you know better than anyone what that turned me into.
[Broken, sad, incapable of having a normal life or even a normal relationship. She might not be close to Alexis; hell, she was pretty sure Alexis really didn't like her that much. But it was things like this that explained why.] Don't ever do that again. Do not ever risk your life for me again. [Because I would never forgive myself if you died. I could never forgive myself if it had been you laying in the grass and not me. Because I'd rather die than live without you.] Next time someone pulls a gun you run, you got that? You run.
[She hasn't lied this much in a long, long time. But she's desperate, now. Desperate to save him from her.]
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She was supposed to be in the precinct, solving crimes, helping people. Not here where ever this is, and certainly not alone, because whether she wants to admit it or not, she needs him. She....
He flashes her a look that just screams for her to stop. To STOP bringing up his daughter. He wants to be home with Alexis. To be there for her, take care of her, but she isn't you, Kate. She has her grandmother and god help her she has her mother, but she will be fine. If something happened to him, she'd be fine. He has to believe that or else he might really lose it.]
Don't. [Flat and final. He shakes his head.] The way I see it? I'm here, your stuck with me, and when I--we get back I'll take care of...Alexis. Until then, you're stuck with me.
[He gives her a look that says that he would do it again. And again. A look that says that if he could go back? He would have reacted sooner and spared her--them both, the pain.
He presses his lips together, a thin tight line, his jaw set in defiant stubbornness, but after a moment he sighs, he can't keep looking at her. He's frustrated and angry and oddly enough his eyes burn with tears he won't allow himself to cry.]
Fine.
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It kills her that she's hurting him. She wants to take it all back; she wants to just hold him again and forget she said anything.
But it's said, it's done, and he's already hurt. They're both hurting and there isn't a damn thing in the world that can make it better.]
Fine. [She turns again and stomps towards the kitchen. But she slows her pace so that he can keep up.
Once they get there, she starts digging around for the coffee. She needs to sober up before she does something stupid. Or at least sober up enough to realize she's already done something stupid.]
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought up Alexis. [She grabs two cups out of the cupboard and sets them on the counter.] She's your daughter and it's none of my business. [Dammit Kate, shut up.] I know how much she means to you.
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He starts after her, but stays just behind her, not falling into his customary spot at her side. This door swings both ways. If something...if she didn't make it. If...he could have done more and she was or is-- or hell who knows if either of them are even alive at this point. The point is.. He has been beating himself up from the moment he knelt over her for not doing MORE.
They enter the kitchen, he searches out a couple of coffee mugs while she finds and makes the coffee. He sets them down just a bit harder than he should have when she brings up Alexis again. None of her business? Christ Beckett, what rock have you been under this whole time?]
Are you...being intentionally obtuse or have I just not noticed before? I'm not ready, at this point to...Worry. about Alexis, which isn't to say that I'm not worried about her, I just need a little time to...digest all of this. Alexis is your business, because she's mine. I wouldn't have asked you to help look out for her if...I didn't want her to be your business too.
[He takes a seat at the table and rubs a hand over his face.]
I wouldn't ask you all the questions I do. She wouldn't call you when she has things to talk about that she can't talk to me about. So...Stop it right now, Beckett. Quit pushing...putting up walls...forcing me out whatever it is your doing. I'm sorry whatever happened, happened and I was gone. I'm sorry I don't remember what happened when I was here before. I'm sorry that I'm an idiot and I put myself at risk, back there with the sniper. But I'm glad that if I have to be away from Alexis and my mother, that at least I have you. There's a comfort there...With knowing you're with me.
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Stop apologizing, Castle.
[She palms away her tears and takes a couple deep breaths, trying to regain her composure. He's right; she was being intentionally obtuse. She cared about Alexis, probably more than she'd ever be willing to admit. Alexis was a good kid, and a smart kid, and she reminded Kate of herself, sometimes. And she was Castle's. Caring about her seemed to come with the territory.
But at this point, she was only rubbing salt in the wound. If Castle was feeling even half of what she felt when her mother was murdered, he was already suffering on the inside enough. Bringing up something he couldn't help was counter productive, to say the least.
And he was right. Alexis would be okay. And when they got home, she'd be even better.]
I meant it. I'm glad you're here. I... [She huffs, trying to find that balance between saying too much and not enough. It's hard with him. He's in love and she's not in any condition to love him back. At least, not in the way he deserves.] I could do this without you, but having you here makes it easier. We're going to get home.
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[He can't help it. He wants this to be alright. He needs this to be alright. He can do this without her, but having her here. Having her really here makes it so much easier.]
Kate, I...
[Love you...Broken or not. Shattered and trying to piece things back together. He has, for a while now. More than friends, but willing to keep that as where they are if that's what he has to do. She in comparison to all of his other prior relationships for what it's worth is the most stable. The most...REAL. It's killing him she's still trying to keep him at arms length. He'll stay there, because that's what he does. He stays, and he stays and he gives her just enough of himself to let her keep him as close as she wants him to be. It's crazy, but in so many ways it's worth all of it.]
I know. There isn't anything we can't do when we work together.
[It isn't what he wants to say, but he's hoping what he doesn't say is still there in a way that she can read. She knows him well enough to read between the lines. He takes the mugs over and sets them down on the counter next to her, careful not to look at her face so he doesn't have to see the tears he knows she's trying to hide from him. That would be too much.
This is all too much, but there isn't much he can do about it. He places a hand lightly on the small of her back just a fleeting moment before he turns back to sit at the table again. Baby steps. She's like a wounded animal and he has to be so careful how he approaches her, he doesn't want her spooked. He wants her to...trust him. To let him in. But he feels like the wall is up and it's going to take him time to get back through it.]
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