[fic] Away, With My Heart
Title: Away, With My Heart
Author: badboy_fangirl
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Young Americans
Pairings/Characters: Hamilton/Jake (background Scout/Bella)
Warnings: Underage sexy_times
Word count: ~6400
Summary: Young love meets adult baggage.
Author's Notes: This fic started more than a year ago in my head when I first discovered Young Americans on YouTube. I want to dedicate it to the wonderful lit_chick08 in the event of her birthday because she's one of the treasures my obsession with Ian Somerhalder has brought into my life. :D Many thanks to sarcasticcheese for the beta over the first 4k words. Any remaining run-on sentences are my fault!
Summer 2000
(One day, Scout will say, Shut up, man. At least you didn't think you were in love with your sister!)
(Today is not that day.)
Hamilton kicks his shoes off as he comes through the door of his bedroom and they fly across the floor. There's so much in his head-too much zinging back and forth-that he can't even focus on the biggest news (Jake's a GIRL) because he keeps thinking about kissing Jake, and how it was like the best kiss ever, and they didn’t even do it for very long. So, he's like totally pissed that he lied to him-that she lied to him. But he's also totally relieved that he's not gay, because his father would never be okay with that, and all he really wants to do is kiss her again. (But that's the dumbest thing ever.)
He should be angrier. He should just be able to grab hold of the deception, let it flow over him, let rage and betrayal and whatever light him up. But yeah he's been jacking off thinking about Jake for almost two weeks, so all he's grasping right now is that kissing her was so good, what would more be like?
Because he's a she, not...
He flings himself down on the bed, tugging his tie loose as it hits him: the conflict, it's all gone. The social whatevers that would regulate him to secretly kissing a guy in a men's room unless he suddenly became a whole lot braver just melt away. Sure, there's still stuff to consider, like why she lied and what the hell they do now-a girl at an all-boys school, when she could just be across the lake with Rawley Girls. But the fact that she's a girl, and he doesn't have to deal with something bigger, like, you know, re-examining everything he thought he knew about himself? Well, yeah, that's all good. Like, great. Like, a fucking miracle.
He lies there for half an hour, just sorting through all of it, every moment, every clue. The way her cap smelled like fruity shampoo, and how she kissed him that day on the roof, like she just couldn't help herself. But more than anything, how every time he tried to back off, she kept coming on, even when he made his big speech about not being gay. (Nancy Drew, not Hardy Boys. God, it all makes so much more sense now!)
I need to talk to you, she said tonight.
Maybe she had planned to tell him all along.
He can go to her room right now. It's lights out, but who cares? She'll let him in, he knows she will. And he'll make her tell him what the hell's going on. He'll set her straight. He'll be all, this isn't cool, Jake and she'll explain it, and then he'll know, and it will be okay, somehow.
(It's okay because he's a guy who likes girls, and the person he's in love with is actually a girl.)
He's out of his dress clothes and into a t-shirt and khakis faster than he's ever moved in his entire life. And then he's knocking on her door and threatening her with bodily harm that he doesn't really mean, and she knows it, and then they're kissing again, and whatever he stewed over for the last hour? Gone with the wind.
Hamilton is a good kisser. Like, super good.
Jake, she's kissed a few boys, and he's the best, by far. It's not even like he's got all this technique or anything. It's just the way he caresses her face with his fingers, and the way he sort of bites at her lips like he's hungry and she's all he wants. The best part is the way his tongue glides over hers and she can taste his relief almost as much as she can just taste him, and that's what she's been fantasizing about for days.
So she pulls him away from the door and over to the bed and they go down, with him on top of her and it feels so amazing, she wonders how she managed to not tell him the truth for so long. She hadn't planned on falling in love with a boy at an all-boys school, she was just planning on messing with her mother. She could never have anticipated Hamilton and his pink cheeks, and his blue eyes, and his crazy earnestness that makes her want to box his ears and kiss his face. (Kiss his mouth, kiss his neck, kiss his ears, kiss his chest.)
So they just grope each other over their clothes, and kiss until Jake's lips are throbbing. His mouth eventually moves down her throat, and he breathes against her skin, "I'm so glad you have boobs," and she about comes out of her skin when his fingers skim her nipples through her tank top. For the first time in about a month, she's glad she has boobs, too.
His hands move away from her chest, and he slides off her, lying on his side next to her. Neither of them say it, but it's apparent they aren't going to go any further right now. She owes him some explanation, and Hamilton starts the conversation by confessing, "I didn't come here to make out with you, but I'm glad it happened."
"Me, too," she replies and then she just starts talking. Jake tells him everything: how her mom's totally M.I.A. most of the time, and sometimes she just pulls shit because she doesn't know what else to do, but it's weird because most of her rebellion goes unnoticed anyway, so she doesn't know why she keeps doing it. She's never really fit in anywhere, so moving around is better; for the first time, she really likes her school, she really likes where she is. She doesn't say it explicitly, but she hopes he realizes it's because of him that she feels that way.
She falls silent after that, and they just lay together quietly. Finally Hamilton murmurs, his voice soft, "You know, it wouldn't matter, if you were a guy. I would be crazy about you in whatever form you came in."
She hugs him, her arm tightening around his waist. "Does that mean you'll keep my secret?" she asks.
"Of course," he replies, pressing his lips to her forehead. "I'd be bored to death without you around here. I'd miss you too much," and he's just that free with his affection. It's so easy with Hamilton, and she can't express how much that means to her, so she doesn't even try.
"Stay a while?" she invites.
He squeezes her shoulder. "I stuffed my bed to make it look like I'm there, so if my mom checks on me, it's all good."
Jake snuggles in his arms for a short space of time, feeling more connected to the world than she has in a long, long time.
(One day Scout will say, St. Martin was fun, but it sounds like you had a way better vacation than I did.)
(Which he totally does.)
By the time Hamilton convinces his parents that his buddy Jake just wants him to come visit New York because he might not make it back to Rawley in the fall, there are only three weeks of summer left. His mother hems and haws, but his father slaps his back and says, "The city will be good for him. He needs to see a few things. I'll set up some campus tours at NYU, might as well make it worth the trip, right, son?"
He just nods and smiles because all he cares about is seeing his girlfriend. It's been two weeks and five days, and phone calls and emails aren't enough. He's going to lose his mind if he can't see her.
They finally give their permission, and agree to an entire week counting travel time, which shores it down to really five full days, but whatever! He's going, and he's thrilled.
When he climbs off the train two days later, he's scanning the crowd, but he doesn't see her. Suddenly, she's against him, blindsiding him, and they're kissing as unabashedly as if they were alone. Then someone wolf whistles at them and that seems to bring Jake back to her senses.
She pulls back, laughs full-throated, and says, "Hi."
He just kisses her again, because his eyes prickle a bit, and he's not going to cry, because omigod, that would be so embarrassing, right?
They get his bags, and there's a taxi waiting at the curb for them. "No bike?" he asks, and she just throws that beautiful grin at him over her shoulder, shaking her head. Once they're in the cab, she says, "Too much baggage. Besides my mom doesn't allow me to ride it in the city unless I'm leaving the city or coming to the city."
He leans into her, kissing her lips again, trying to capture her smile with his own mouth. "Since when do you do what your mom says?" he asks, completely serious.
"It's my one obedient daughter behavior. Besides, have you ever driven in New York City? It's crazy!" Her hand is on his leg, and there's no hiding it, his pants are a bit tented in front. If Jake notices, she doesn't call attention to it. He's been wondering if they'll do it, because of course he wants to, and she was going to shower with him the last day at Rawley, and come on, she invited him to come to her house when her mother's not there.
Even though the truth is, her mother's never there, but that's really not something he can focus on when her hand is that close to his dick, which is totally hard (because her hand is that close), and because she keeps kissing him.
"I'm so happy you're here," she says, and Hamilton thinks he hears yeah, we're totally doing it.
Once they get to the apartment, she gives him a tour, and he relaxes a little. It's a gorgeous three-bedroom apartment, with wall-to-wall white carpeting, and pretty fancy furniture. There are film and theater posters of the various productions her mother's been in on display for all to see. He tries to pay attention and be interested in everything she's showing him, but he feels like she's stalling, and maybe she is.
So he lets her, because every time he's tried to lead in their relationship, they've ended up fighting. He's been in no way presumptuous, but he is hopeful, oh-so-hopeful. He feels his dick start to stiffen up again as the hope turns to reality and she leads him into her bedroom.
"And this is my room," she says, dramatically tossing her arm out to display it. "This is where you'll be sleeping," she says, clearing her throat nervously. Her eyes dart up to his, and she adds, "If you want?"
Hamilton could say, Dumbest question ever, but he doesn't want to be denied when he's so close. Instead, he laces his fingers through hers and lets her pull him past the threshold.
Jake is fairly certain that there is no prettier creature than Hamilton Fleming on planet Earth, so when she sees him searching for her in the crowd at the train station, she can't help but throw herself against his chest and start kissing the life out of him.
She doesn't have a plan, doesn't know exactly what she even wants to happen, not until she's showing him her bedroom, and then she's inviting him and she realizes she wants all of it. All of it with Hamilton. It truly frightens her, because secretly at the back of her mind, she expects him to reject her at some point. She is what she is, and she knows she's not easy to get along with, but so far, he seems to love her no matter what, and that should comfort her, but it really terrifies her.
She can't seem to help but run pell-mell towards all of it and he's right there with her, pushing her gently down on the bed, grabbing her thighs and pulling them apart so he can settle his hips between them, showing her in every way how much he wants this, wants her.
They don't have sex, exactly. He whispers at one point that he doesn't have a condom, and even though she's on the Pill (her mother's idea), she's not ready to have sex-sex with him, so she just whispers back, "We can do other stuff."
He smiles and says, "Yes, please," and she falls more in love with him and his face.
They make out like fiends, for a very long time, but eventually hands search under shirts, and then they're both topless and he touches her breasts with quiet wonder. She can hear him, like a favorite song in her head from their first night together, I'm so glad you have boobs. When he leans down and takes her nipple into his mouth, his name bursts from her throat.
She's the first, however, to venture below the waist. Unzipping his pants, she slides her hand inside the front of his underwear and wraps her hand around his penis and he makes this sound she'll never forget. It's like an out-of-body experience; a moment when she knows that for the rest of her life she will always think of Hamilton during sex, even if it's not Hamilton she's doing it with.
She quickly pushes that thought out, though, because it's unfathomable. She's only known him for a few months, but it feels like the whole world is Hamilton, and it always will be, and she'll never do this with anyone but him, ever. She'll never even want to, she's sure. She's made out with a few boys, but she's never wanted any of them like this, and she certainly never put her hand in anyone's pants before. With him, it all comes so naturally, it all feels so right, it's why she couldn't just let it hang between them. It's why she's fisting him awkwardly while he's still lying atop her.
He gasps her name, presses his lips hard against her mouth, and rolls away from her as his hips thrust up, following the movement of her hand. "Oh, God," he moans and then his hand is there with hers, shaping her palm around him, squeezing her fingers hard with his own. He pants, "I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming," and he does. It shoots all over his belly and he wheezes next to her for a moment, eyes tightly shut, as though unable to look at her.
She drags her shirt from the edge of the bed and wipes up the mess while his chest trembles in exertion. Then she takes his hand and leads him into her panties, showing him where she wants to be touched. His eyes pop open, whether he's ready to look at her or not, but his gaze jerks to hers when he feels how wet she is. "Jake," he whispers, and she makes a little sound when his fingers skitter just inside her, her hips lifting up involuntarily. "You are fucking amazing," he breathes, and she'd laugh at the pure rapture in his voice, but his thumb finds just the right spot and she can't do anything except think the same thing.
He watches her face so intently that she can't look away, even as his fingers find a purposeful rhythm and she starts to lose it. Just as it becomes too much, he leans into her, kissing her mouth worshipfully, whispering, "Come for me, please, Jake," and she's there, the combination of his tenderness, his eagerness, and her overwhelming desire for him exploding throughout her body. All she can think in the aftermath is that it was way better than anything she's ever done to herself.
Maybe they don't know what the hell they're doing, but together, they aren't too bad at it.
(Definitely more fun than my vacation, Scout says, shaking his head ruefully.)
(Hamilton agrees: blow jobs beat bikini-clad beach babes any day of the week.)
They're playing house; that's what Jake calls it as they cook dinner in her mother's kitchen (spaghetti and salad, naturally), and Hamilton is completely serious when he says, "I'm not playing at anything."
She looks at him, the moment freezes, and he grins. Several long, slow seconds pass before she returns the smile, and he can feel it, the way she holds herself a little straighter, as though believing something like that is just not possible. But she pushes through, doesn't retreat, and he thinks it's progress. They've been together for five days and they haven't fought at all, but they have fooled around to the point that he's a bit chafed.
Jake had laughed like a mad woman just that morning when he winced under her hands. "So, you can actually have too much sex; that's interesting," she said after she got control of herself.
"Yeah," he grumbled back at her. "And we haven't even actually had sex."
She rolled from the bed, flouncing in all her naked glory towards the bathroom. "Go buy some condoms, mister. We'll have us some sex."
"I don't know where the store is!" he shouted as she disappeared.
When she emerged from a shower that smelled wonderful, even if he didn't join her this time, they got dressed and walked to the corner drugstore. Laughing in embarrassment the whole time, they made their purchase while the sales clerk had the disapproving face of someone's mother, but neither of them cared as she wasn't either of their mothers.
"My mom is cool with it, anyway," Jake said as they walked back. Hamilton remained silent. His mother wouldn't be, but he couldn't really find much to concern himself with over it. It was going to happen one way or another, and Jake was the one he wanted it to happen with.
As they eat their dinner, sitting at the breakfast nook because Jake hates the formal dining table in the dining room, Hamilton finally asks the big question he'd wondered about since he got to New York. (Okay, the second biggest question.) "So, are you coming back to Rawley?"
Jake nods, looking up from her plate. "I didn't tell you, did I? I emailed Finn, explained the whole thing, and he agreed to forget about it, as long as I enrolled at Rawley Girls. The issue is now, of course, your dad."
Hamilton chews thoughtfully, suddenly wondering where Jake's dad is, but that's a touchy conversation for another time, no doubt. "How many times did you talk to him?"
"I met him twice: the day I arrived on campus and one other time when he passed through the common room."
"The biggest problem, then, is not my dad; he probably won't remember what you looked like. But my mom...she might be a problem. Because when I switch my story from Jake, my best guy friend to Jake, my best girl friend, it's probably going to get a little sticky."
"Yeah..." she says, shrugging. "What can we do?"
"I don't know," he says, smiling around a mouthful of spaghetti. "Procrastinate?"
Jake smiles in return and then leans over to kiss his face. "I love you," she says, and it's the first time she's said it since the one time she told him after he accidentally told her. He wants, very much in that moment, to sweep the dinner dishes from the table and make love to her right there, but he knows how silly she would find that, and that he'd be lucky to get as far as shoving the salad bowl out of his way before she started laughing at him.
So, instead, he just says, "I love you, too."
It happens on their last night together. The taxi is supposed to come early in the morning and take him to the train station, and Jake's fear seems to fly out the window with the idea of being separated from Hamilton for another two weeks. The condoms sit right on the bedside table, all ready and raring to go, and they're both completely naked, legs twined together, their bodies hot and soft against each other.
Jake wants it, after six days of doing everything else, she's as much curious about it in general as she is hungry for the one mystery of Hamilton that's left. She wants to feel him inside her, she wants them to start 'practicing,' as he once said they should. But he's hesitating for some reason, and she's not sure what the hold up is.
Until she looks in his eyes, and sees everything there. He loves her, like really, really loves her, and he would wait forever if he thought that's what she wanted. And even though they've talked about it, examined the condoms, and read the instructions together, he's still not sure she really wants to do it. So, she whispers, "I want you, Hamilton," and his hips snap forward on reflex.
Something really weird happens then; she feels all that for him in return, has a swell of emotion rush through her chest that signifies something that will be with her forever, and as he reaches for one of the condoms, she slides her hand between them, takes his cock in her hand, and guides him to where they both want him to be.
He rears back from her and she says, "Shhhh, shhh, it's okay, it's okay," and arches under him so that he just barely slips inside her.
The hand stretched out towards the table lands on the bed right by her head, as he braces himself over her, panting, "Jake, what are you doing?"
"I'm on the Pill," she murmurs, and his eyes roll back in his head as she cants her hips up against his and he goes in a little further. She slides her hands down his back, over the warm curves of his buttocks and he pushes with her, easing inside with a fullness that astonishes her.
It hurts, to be expected, but it also feels really foreign, though she's pretty sure she broke her own hymen the year before with a tampon, her discomfort now is just the size of him. She never thought about it, having seen no other penises before in her life, but then he grits out, "So. fucking. tight," and she thinks he's having a similar experience, except, judging by the color in his face, it's all good on his side.
He pulls back and pushes in again, she relaxes, and everything changes. They both gasp and moan, and then he's following some instinct older than the two of them combined; burying his face against her throat, he mutters, "I can't...I can't....I can't," and she feels him come, and there's something so amazing about that moment that it doesn't even register that nothing happened for her.
His breath continues to flutter rhythmically against her skin and he bites out a vehement, "Fuck."
She slips her fingers into the damp hair on the back of his neck. "It's okay," she says, her voice soft. He lifts his head and their eyes meet. "I love you," she states. She draws his lips to hers, kisses him gently. "I love you, and it's okay."
He blinks, his eyes focusing better now that he's regained his wits a little and he asks, "Why did you do that?"
Jake chews on her bottom lip before answering. "Because it's your first time. I wanted it to be special." She can see the disappointment in his eyes because he wanted to give it to her, too, but she grins at him and kisses his mouth again, nudging him with her leg. "What? It's not like you won't be up and at 'em in like ten minutes anyway. I didn't plan it, Hamilton, it just happened. And wasn't it nice?"
His hands frame her face and he kisses her deeply, all that emotion that she sees in his face all the time spilling into every movement of his tongue against hers. "It was more than nice," he whispers. "And it could have happened days ago; why didn't you tell me you were on the Pill?"
"Because I read Seventeen magazine, and everyone knows you should use two forms of birth control to be careful. This was a one-time deal only."
He smiles, full and beautiful. "Because you love me."
She sees it now. He believes her totally. And he should, it's completely true.
(Too bad it’s so terrifying.)
“What time’s Jake getting here?” Scout asks as Hamilton lounges on one of the beds in Scout and Will’s dorm room.
“Around two. She’s gonna leave the bike at Bella’s, and Bella will drive her out here.”
Scout is shoving socks and underwear into a dresser drawer, but Hamilton can see the tension in his shoulders at the mention of his sister. He’s been saving a tidbit of information ever since he came into the dormitory. Will isn’t there at the moment, as he went to meet his mother for lunch, but the good thing about Jake being a girl, besides the obvious, was that she got information none of them as boys would get.
“She and Sean broke up, you know,” he says casually, waiting.
Scout turns slowly, his face relatively blank, but it changes as soon as the words truly penetrate. He’s happy, for sure, and not in a my-sister-broke-up-with-her-loser-boyfriend sort of way.
(Really, Hamilton gets it. Even if Jake were a boy, this situation sucks worse, for sure.)
“What time did you say they’d get here?” Scout asks.
Hamilton can’t help but return his friend’s grin. “Two. I said, two o'clock.”
Jake’s enrollment at Rawley Girls goes flawlessly. Her search for girlfriends isn’t as easy, but she’s used to that, so if she’s not with Hamilton, she’s with Bella, which in turn puts her with Will and Scout a lot, too.
It’s a good group of friends, not something she’s ever had in abundance either. Hamilton introduces her to his mother as Jacqueline, and his parents never know that Jake and Jacqueline are the same person. He makes some off the cuff remark about how they can tell them someday when they get married, and Jake would freak out about that, but he says it in front of Bella, Scout, and Will so she doesn’t have the opportunity. Later, when they’re alone, it’s the first time in almost two weeks that they’re able to have sex, so very little gets talked about then.
He brings her a little gift on their “three month” anniversary, and she asks him what event he's counting from as three months. He smiles, completely without guile and says, "Our first kiss, of course." When she reminds him that their first kiss was on the roof, he further explains, "The first kiss where we both participated."
"And you didn't care if we were gay," she says around a laugh as she opens the small box he's handed her. Inside is a lovely little pendant, oblong with ivy etched into it.
"Do you like it?" he asks, and Jake finds herself blinking back tears.
"I love it," she says, her voice slightly choked.
He kisses her and puts the chain around her throat. She holds it in her hand and thinks this is too much. But when he smiles at her, she smiles back, because it's Hamilton, and how can anyone resist him?
Scout leans forward, the cell phone dropping from his fingers. Hamilton watches him closely because it's hard to tell if this is happy shock or devastation all over again.
"She finally asked," Hamilton surmises, and he looks around the common room, wishing Will were there, wishing he knew what to say to a guy who is definitely in love with his own sister.
"He's not," Scout says, and then it's like he's out of air, and if there is anything else to say, he can't find those words anyway.
Hamilton hopes for the best, and says, "Your dad, he's not her...?" Scout shakes his head and stands up but sits right back down again, like he doesn't know what to do next. Then this crazy smile breaks out over his face, and Hamilton knows for sure. Bella is not Scout's sister, so the whole ballgame has changed, instantly.
Hamilton's 16th birthday had been a few weeks earlier, and he got his license the very same week so now he just says, "I'll go ask my mom if I can borrow the car."
He takes his friend into town and watches while he and Bella kiss for the first time. Well, maybe it's not the first time, but it's the first time in a long time, and the first time since they learned an awful secret that wasn't true.
When he tells Jake about it later, she wants to call Bella, but he says no. He's got Scout's back one way or another, and nothing is going to interrupt them, at least not tonight.
In early November, an Indian summer breaks out just in time for the weekend, so Jake and Hamilton head down to the lake, just to enjoy the sunshine before they seclude themselves for mid-term studying.
Jake's watching him because his eyes are closed and he's leaned back in the boat, one of his legs resting on the edge. For all that Hamilton's plans and certainty about their future scares her, what really shoots panic through her stomach is how much she wants him to be right. When he's quiet like this, just content to be with her because being with her makes him happy, she can't help that terrifying feeling that always comes up to balance out the ease of it all.
No one has ever stayed with her, not her father, whom she's never met, and certainly not her mother. The woman who caught her in a lie like she had last summer had also taken her to get a birth control prescription shortly thereafter. Jake likes freedom because that's all she had ever had. Hamilton looks very much like trapped paradise, something she both wants and fears more than she can quantify.
She can feel herself gearing up to race right out of the situation, but she doesn't know how or when it will happen; there will be an opportunity at some point, and she will take it because she doesn't think there's a happy ending at the end of prep school for her. They'll grow up, Hamilton will go to Harvard or some other college that his father deems worthy, she'll do whatever she'll do, and he will see. He'll see other girls, better girls, girls who don't try to run the show. (Girls who don't run.)
He cracks an eye open at her, catches her staring at him. He smiles and lifts his hand up, wrapping his fingers around the back of her neck. Tugging her down so she's laying beside him causes the boat to rock gently, and she settles her head on his chest. He doesn't say a word, just holds her gently, his fingers caressing her hair. She listens to the thud-thud of his heart.
She wonders fleetingly if it will beat the same steady way after she's gone.
(Scout will say, Dude, she said what? and Hamilton won't respond. He'll just drag his dad's whiskey bottle back to his mouth and swallow the harsh, bitter liquid too quickly.)
The last night they spend together is, by far, one of their most memorable, and considering how lucky they've been in the sex department, that's saying something. It's memorable for various reasons (various orgasms), but also because as she's lying in bed beside him, she whispers, "I love your ears." Her tongue traces the shell of his right one, since it's near her mouth and he shudders because it's fucking sexy and he's hot for her, basically all the time, but especially when she's naked and warm next to him.
"Really?" he asks. His fingers are playing with her breasts, just idly caressing them and teasing her nipples into hard little points while they lay in the dusky twilight of Bella's bedroom. She loaned it to them occasionally so they could have some privacy, and since Jake is leaving for Christmas break the next day, this is one of those occasions. "I hate them. I got teased when I was younger about them."
"Stupid jerks," she mutters under her breath as she continues on, sucking his earlobe into her mouth.
He's not thinking about whoever those nameless kids are now, and then she starts laughing before she plunges her tongue into his ear. It's suddenly not sexy, but it's so Jake, just how she is-how she can turn things on a dime, how she delights him no matter what she does. He shoves her away, yelling, "Gross!" and then he swoops down on top of her, grabbing her arms to pin her beneath him on the bed. They wrestle like this for a while, causing the bed to squeak like they're doing something else, and the laughter grows until they're both hysterical. He eventually collapses on top of her simply because he runs out of energy.
Shifting down, he lays a cheek on her chest, and her hand combs through his hair, dancing over his ear periodically. He's never really told anyone that because he knows of all the injustices in the world, someone teasing him because his ears stuck out a little was hardly a world-ending injury. But still, he's always wished they were different, and she's the only person who's ever said anything nice about them with the exception of his mother, who, let's face it, is supposed to love him and all his flaws anyway, so she doesn't count.
"I want to tell you something," she says, her voice soft.
"Hmmm?" he asks, not moving from his perfectly comfortable position.
"These last six months have been the happiest of my life."
This is a much more surprising pronouncement than her loving his ears, and he tries not to react too much to it. But it's impossible, really; his head springs up without his permission and he looks into her eyes. He wants to say a million things, but all that comes out is, "Me, too."
She tucks her fingers into the hair over both of his ears and says, "No, it's not. You've had a great life, Hamilton, and you'll continue to have a great life. But you changed my life, and I want you to know that."
She pulls his mouth to hers, and he has a shiver of unease work its way down his spine, but then she's flicking her tongue over the tip of his and her hand slides between them and he forgets in the bliss of her body that her words feel like an ending.
When Jake breaks up with Hamilton, she's literally looking out the window of a high rise flat in Paris at the Eiffel Tower. They're on the phone, and it's been four months since she left Rawley.
At first, they'd tried the long distance thing because Hamilton was convinced her mother would move again in a few months and they'd come back to the States, or at the very least Jake would want to come back to Rawley. He said this straight out, and she never corrected him because he wasn't wrong.
She did want to go back, every damn day. But she also wanted a relationship with her mother, and for the first time ever in her life, her mother was making an effort to have one. She didn't know how to navigate that any better that she did a boyfriend who lived across the ocean and on a fairly regular basis made her feel guilty for being so far away.
And while her desire to be with her mom is what keeps her in Paris to begin with, it's not why she stays, and it's not why she breaks up with him. This just makes it easier to let what would eventually happen between her and Hamilton happen now. (Well, easier is a relative word, but still. It would have come to this eventually.)
She even lies to him for good measure as the lights of the Tower twinkle at her. When he demands to know why she's doing this, she tells him, "I met someone else."
He goes off for about five minutes about fucking French guys and then he's crying and begging her to just come home because they love each other and they belong together. She manages not to cry, and she doesn't give in, not in the slightest. She leaves him without hope, which is the kindest thing she can do to him at this point.
Her mother sits beside her on the bed, rubbing her back. "It's for the best, sweetheart," she says, and that's what does it. She begins to cry. The sound gets louder and louder, and it's so strange that she can't believe it's coming from her mouth. She sobs so hard she throws up, and that really freaks her mom out. She hauls Jake into the bathroom and wets a washcloth to pat her face with, but Jake ends up pushing her out of the room so she can be alone.
She curls into the fetal position on the bathmat, crying until she's empty, until no thoughts of Hamilton can squeeze another tear from her body.
At least for that day.
(She'll cry for him again and again over the years.)
(Bella will ask repeatedly, do you want me to get you his number?)
(Jake will always say no.)
[Yes, there will be a sequel.]
Author: badboy_fangirl
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Young Americans
Pairings/Characters: Hamilton/Jake (background Scout/Bella)
Warnings: Underage sexy_times
Word count: ~6400
Summary: Young love meets adult baggage.
Author's Notes: This fic started more than a year ago in my head when I first discovered Young Americans on YouTube. I want to dedicate it to the wonderful lit_chick08 in the event of her birthday because she's one of the treasures my obsession with Ian Somerhalder has brought into my life. :D Many thanks to sarcasticcheese for the beta over the first 4k words. Any remaining run-on sentences are my fault!
Summer 2000
(One day, Scout will say, Shut up, man. At least you didn't think you were in love with your sister!)
(Today is not that day.)
Hamilton kicks his shoes off as he comes through the door of his bedroom and they fly across the floor. There's so much in his head-too much zinging back and forth-that he can't even focus on the biggest news (Jake's a GIRL) because he keeps thinking about kissing Jake, and how it was like the best kiss ever, and they didn’t even do it for very long. So, he's like totally pissed that he lied to him-that she lied to him. But he's also totally relieved that he's not gay, because his father would never be okay with that, and all he really wants to do is kiss her again. (But that's the dumbest thing ever.)
He should be angrier. He should just be able to grab hold of the deception, let it flow over him, let rage and betrayal and whatever light him up. But yeah he's been jacking off thinking about Jake for almost two weeks, so all he's grasping right now is that kissing her was so good, what would more be like?
Because he's a she, not...
He flings himself down on the bed, tugging his tie loose as it hits him: the conflict, it's all gone. The social whatevers that would regulate him to secretly kissing a guy in a men's room unless he suddenly became a whole lot braver just melt away. Sure, there's still stuff to consider, like why she lied and what the hell they do now-a girl at an all-boys school, when she could just be across the lake with Rawley Girls. But the fact that she's a girl, and he doesn't have to deal with something bigger, like, you know, re-examining everything he thought he knew about himself? Well, yeah, that's all good. Like, great. Like, a fucking miracle.
He lies there for half an hour, just sorting through all of it, every moment, every clue. The way her cap smelled like fruity shampoo, and how she kissed him that day on the roof, like she just couldn't help herself. But more than anything, how every time he tried to back off, she kept coming on, even when he made his big speech about not being gay. (Nancy Drew, not Hardy Boys. God, it all makes so much more sense now!)
I need to talk to you, she said tonight.
Maybe she had planned to tell him all along.
He can go to her room right now. It's lights out, but who cares? She'll let him in, he knows she will. And he'll make her tell him what the hell's going on. He'll set her straight. He'll be all, this isn't cool, Jake and she'll explain it, and then he'll know, and it will be okay, somehow.
(It's okay because he's a guy who likes girls, and the person he's in love with is actually a girl.)
He's out of his dress clothes and into a t-shirt and khakis faster than he's ever moved in his entire life. And then he's knocking on her door and threatening her with bodily harm that he doesn't really mean, and she knows it, and then they're kissing again, and whatever he stewed over for the last hour? Gone with the wind.
Hamilton is a good kisser. Like, super good.
Jake, she's kissed a few boys, and he's the best, by far. It's not even like he's got all this technique or anything. It's just the way he caresses her face with his fingers, and the way he sort of bites at her lips like he's hungry and she's all he wants. The best part is the way his tongue glides over hers and she can taste his relief almost as much as she can just taste him, and that's what she's been fantasizing about for days.
So she pulls him away from the door and over to the bed and they go down, with him on top of her and it feels so amazing, she wonders how she managed to not tell him the truth for so long. She hadn't planned on falling in love with a boy at an all-boys school, she was just planning on messing with her mother. She could never have anticipated Hamilton and his pink cheeks, and his blue eyes, and his crazy earnestness that makes her want to box his ears and kiss his face. (Kiss his mouth, kiss his neck, kiss his ears, kiss his chest.)
So they just grope each other over their clothes, and kiss until Jake's lips are throbbing. His mouth eventually moves down her throat, and he breathes against her skin, "I'm so glad you have boobs," and she about comes out of her skin when his fingers skim her nipples through her tank top. For the first time in about a month, she's glad she has boobs, too.
His hands move away from her chest, and he slides off her, lying on his side next to her. Neither of them say it, but it's apparent they aren't going to go any further right now. She owes him some explanation, and Hamilton starts the conversation by confessing, "I didn't come here to make out with you, but I'm glad it happened."
"Me, too," she replies and then she just starts talking. Jake tells him everything: how her mom's totally M.I.A. most of the time, and sometimes she just pulls shit because she doesn't know what else to do, but it's weird because most of her rebellion goes unnoticed anyway, so she doesn't know why she keeps doing it. She's never really fit in anywhere, so moving around is better; for the first time, she really likes her school, she really likes where she is. She doesn't say it explicitly, but she hopes he realizes it's because of him that she feels that way.
She falls silent after that, and they just lay together quietly. Finally Hamilton murmurs, his voice soft, "You know, it wouldn't matter, if you were a guy. I would be crazy about you in whatever form you came in."
She hugs him, her arm tightening around his waist. "Does that mean you'll keep my secret?" she asks.
"Of course," he replies, pressing his lips to her forehead. "I'd be bored to death without you around here. I'd miss you too much," and he's just that free with his affection. It's so easy with Hamilton, and she can't express how much that means to her, so she doesn't even try.
"Stay a while?" she invites.
He squeezes her shoulder. "I stuffed my bed to make it look like I'm there, so if my mom checks on me, it's all good."
Jake snuggles in his arms for a short space of time, feeling more connected to the world than she has in a long, long time.
(One day Scout will say, St. Martin was fun, but it sounds like you had a way better vacation than I did.)
(Which he totally does.)
By the time Hamilton convinces his parents that his buddy Jake just wants him to come visit New York because he might not make it back to Rawley in the fall, there are only three weeks of summer left. His mother hems and haws, but his father slaps his back and says, "The city will be good for him. He needs to see a few things. I'll set up some campus tours at NYU, might as well make it worth the trip, right, son?"
He just nods and smiles because all he cares about is seeing his girlfriend. It's been two weeks and five days, and phone calls and emails aren't enough. He's going to lose his mind if he can't see her.
They finally give their permission, and agree to an entire week counting travel time, which shores it down to really five full days, but whatever! He's going, and he's thrilled.
When he climbs off the train two days later, he's scanning the crowd, but he doesn't see her. Suddenly, she's against him, blindsiding him, and they're kissing as unabashedly as if they were alone. Then someone wolf whistles at them and that seems to bring Jake back to her senses.
She pulls back, laughs full-throated, and says, "Hi."
He just kisses her again, because his eyes prickle a bit, and he's not going to cry, because omigod, that would be so embarrassing, right?
They get his bags, and there's a taxi waiting at the curb for them. "No bike?" he asks, and she just throws that beautiful grin at him over her shoulder, shaking her head. Once they're in the cab, she says, "Too much baggage. Besides my mom doesn't allow me to ride it in the city unless I'm leaving the city or coming to the city."
He leans into her, kissing her lips again, trying to capture her smile with his own mouth. "Since when do you do what your mom says?" he asks, completely serious.
"It's my one obedient daughter behavior. Besides, have you ever driven in New York City? It's crazy!" Her hand is on his leg, and there's no hiding it, his pants are a bit tented in front. If Jake notices, she doesn't call attention to it. He's been wondering if they'll do it, because of course he wants to, and she was going to shower with him the last day at Rawley, and come on, she invited him to come to her house when her mother's not there.
Even though the truth is, her mother's never there, but that's really not something he can focus on when her hand is that close to his dick, which is totally hard (because her hand is that close), and because she keeps kissing him.
"I'm so happy you're here," she says, and Hamilton thinks he hears yeah, we're totally doing it.
Once they get to the apartment, she gives him a tour, and he relaxes a little. It's a gorgeous three-bedroom apartment, with wall-to-wall white carpeting, and pretty fancy furniture. There are film and theater posters of the various productions her mother's been in on display for all to see. He tries to pay attention and be interested in everything she's showing him, but he feels like she's stalling, and maybe she is.
So he lets her, because every time he's tried to lead in their relationship, they've ended up fighting. He's been in no way presumptuous, but he is hopeful, oh-so-hopeful. He feels his dick start to stiffen up again as the hope turns to reality and she leads him into her bedroom.
"And this is my room," she says, dramatically tossing her arm out to display it. "This is where you'll be sleeping," she says, clearing her throat nervously. Her eyes dart up to his, and she adds, "If you want?"
Hamilton could say, Dumbest question ever, but he doesn't want to be denied when he's so close. Instead, he laces his fingers through hers and lets her pull him past the threshold.
Jake is fairly certain that there is no prettier creature than Hamilton Fleming on planet Earth, so when she sees him searching for her in the crowd at the train station, she can't help but throw herself against his chest and start kissing the life out of him.
She doesn't have a plan, doesn't know exactly what she even wants to happen, not until she's showing him her bedroom, and then she's inviting him and she realizes she wants all of it. All of it with Hamilton. It truly frightens her, because secretly at the back of her mind, she expects him to reject her at some point. She is what she is, and she knows she's not easy to get along with, but so far, he seems to love her no matter what, and that should comfort her, but it really terrifies her.
She can't seem to help but run pell-mell towards all of it and he's right there with her, pushing her gently down on the bed, grabbing her thighs and pulling them apart so he can settle his hips between them, showing her in every way how much he wants this, wants her.
They don't have sex, exactly. He whispers at one point that he doesn't have a condom, and even though she's on the Pill (her mother's idea), she's not ready to have sex-sex with him, so she just whispers back, "We can do other stuff."
He smiles and says, "Yes, please," and she falls more in love with him and his face.
They make out like fiends, for a very long time, but eventually hands search under shirts, and then they're both topless and he touches her breasts with quiet wonder. She can hear him, like a favorite song in her head from their first night together, I'm so glad you have boobs. When he leans down and takes her nipple into his mouth, his name bursts from her throat.
She's the first, however, to venture below the waist. Unzipping his pants, she slides her hand inside the front of his underwear and wraps her hand around his penis and he makes this sound she'll never forget. It's like an out-of-body experience; a moment when she knows that for the rest of her life she will always think of Hamilton during sex, even if it's not Hamilton she's doing it with.
She quickly pushes that thought out, though, because it's unfathomable. She's only known him for a few months, but it feels like the whole world is Hamilton, and it always will be, and she'll never do this with anyone but him, ever. She'll never even want to, she's sure. She's made out with a few boys, but she's never wanted any of them like this, and she certainly never put her hand in anyone's pants before. With him, it all comes so naturally, it all feels so right, it's why she couldn't just let it hang between them. It's why she's fisting him awkwardly while he's still lying atop her.
He gasps her name, presses his lips hard against her mouth, and rolls away from her as his hips thrust up, following the movement of her hand. "Oh, God," he moans and then his hand is there with hers, shaping her palm around him, squeezing her fingers hard with his own. He pants, "I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming," and he does. It shoots all over his belly and he wheezes next to her for a moment, eyes tightly shut, as though unable to look at her.
She drags her shirt from the edge of the bed and wipes up the mess while his chest trembles in exertion. Then she takes his hand and leads him into her panties, showing him where she wants to be touched. His eyes pop open, whether he's ready to look at her or not, but his gaze jerks to hers when he feels how wet she is. "Jake," he whispers, and she makes a little sound when his fingers skitter just inside her, her hips lifting up involuntarily. "You are fucking amazing," he breathes, and she'd laugh at the pure rapture in his voice, but his thumb finds just the right spot and she can't do anything except think the same thing.
He watches her face so intently that she can't look away, even as his fingers find a purposeful rhythm and she starts to lose it. Just as it becomes too much, he leans into her, kissing her mouth worshipfully, whispering, "Come for me, please, Jake," and she's there, the combination of his tenderness, his eagerness, and her overwhelming desire for him exploding throughout her body. All she can think in the aftermath is that it was way better than anything she's ever done to herself.
Maybe they don't know what the hell they're doing, but together, they aren't too bad at it.
(Definitely more fun than my vacation, Scout says, shaking his head ruefully.)
(Hamilton agrees: blow jobs beat bikini-clad beach babes any day of the week.)
They're playing house; that's what Jake calls it as they cook dinner in her mother's kitchen (spaghetti and salad, naturally), and Hamilton is completely serious when he says, "I'm not playing at anything."
She looks at him, the moment freezes, and he grins. Several long, slow seconds pass before she returns the smile, and he can feel it, the way she holds herself a little straighter, as though believing something like that is just not possible. But she pushes through, doesn't retreat, and he thinks it's progress. They've been together for five days and they haven't fought at all, but they have fooled around to the point that he's a bit chafed.
Jake had laughed like a mad woman just that morning when he winced under her hands. "So, you can actually have too much sex; that's interesting," she said after she got control of herself.
"Yeah," he grumbled back at her. "And we haven't even actually had sex."
She rolled from the bed, flouncing in all her naked glory towards the bathroom. "Go buy some condoms, mister. We'll have us some sex."
"I don't know where the store is!" he shouted as she disappeared.
When she emerged from a shower that smelled wonderful, even if he didn't join her this time, they got dressed and walked to the corner drugstore. Laughing in embarrassment the whole time, they made their purchase while the sales clerk had the disapproving face of someone's mother, but neither of them cared as she wasn't either of their mothers.
"My mom is cool with it, anyway," Jake said as they walked back. Hamilton remained silent. His mother wouldn't be, but he couldn't really find much to concern himself with over it. It was going to happen one way or another, and Jake was the one he wanted it to happen with.
As they eat their dinner, sitting at the breakfast nook because Jake hates the formal dining table in the dining room, Hamilton finally asks the big question he'd wondered about since he got to New York. (Okay, the second biggest question.) "So, are you coming back to Rawley?"
Jake nods, looking up from her plate. "I didn't tell you, did I? I emailed Finn, explained the whole thing, and he agreed to forget about it, as long as I enrolled at Rawley Girls. The issue is now, of course, your dad."
Hamilton chews thoughtfully, suddenly wondering where Jake's dad is, but that's a touchy conversation for another time, no doubt. "How many times did you talk to him?"
"I met him twice: the day I arrived on campus and one other time when he passed through the common room."
"The biggest problem, then, is not my dad; he probably won't remember what you looked like. But my mom...she might be a problem. Because when I switch my story from Jake, my best guy friend to Jake, my best girl friend, it's probably going to get a little sticky."
"Yeah..." she says, shrugging. "What can we do?"
"I don't know," he says, smiling around a mouthful of spaghetti. "Procrastinate?"
Jake smiles in return and then leans over to kiss his face. "I love you," she says, and it's the first time she's said it since the one time she told him after he accidentally told her. He wants, very much in that moment, to sweep the dinner dishes from the table and make love to her right there, but he knows how silly she would find that, and that he'd be lucky to get as far as shoving the salad bowl out of his way before she started laughing at him.
So, instead, he just says, "I love you, too."
It happens on their last night together. The taxi is supposed to come early in the morning and take him to the train station, and Jake's fear seems to fly out the window with the idea of being separated from Hamilton for another two weeks. The condoms sit right on the bedside table, all ready and raring to go, and they're both completely naked, legs twined together, their bodies hot and soft against each other.
Jake wants it, after six days of doing everything else, she's as much curious about it in general as she is hungry for the one mystery of Hamilton that's left. She wants to feel him inside her, she wants them to start 'practicing,' as he once said they should. But he's hesitating for some reason, and she's not sure what the hold up is.
Until she looks in his eyes, and sees everything there. He loves her, like really, really loves her, and he would wait forever if he thought that's what she wanted. And even though they've talked about it, examined the condoms, and read the instructions together, he's still not sure she really wants to do it. So, she whispers, "I want you, Hamilton," and his hips snap forward on reflex.
Something really weird happens then; she feels all that for him in return, has a swell of emotion rush through her chest that signifies something that will be with her forever, and as he reaches for one of the condoms, she slides her hand between them, takes his cock in her hand, and guides him to where they both want him to be.
He rears back from her and she says, "Shhhh, shhh, it's okay, it's okay," and arches under him so that he just barely slips inside her.
The hand stretched out towards the table lands on the bed right by her head, as he braces himself over her, panting, "Jake, what are you doing?"
"I'm on the Pill," she murmurs, and his eyes roll back in his head as she cants her hips up against his and he goes in a little further. She slides her hands down his back, over the warm curves of his buttocks and he pushes with her, easing inside with a fullness that astonishes her.
It hurts, to be expected, but it also feels really foreign, though she's pretty sure she broke her own hymen the year before with a tampon, her discomfort now is just the size of him. She never thought about it, having seen no other penises before in her life, but then he grits out, "So. fucking. tight," and she thinks he's having a similar experience, except, judging by the color in his face, it's all good on his side.
He pulls back and pushes in again, she relaxes, and everything changes. They both gasp and moan, and then he's following some instinct older than the two of them combined; burying his face against her throat, he mutters, "I can't...I can't....I can't," and she feels him come, and there's something so amazing about that moment that it doesn't even register that nothing happened for her.
His breath continues to flutter rhythmically against her skin and he bites out a vehement, "Fuck."
She slips her fingers into the damp hair on the back of his neck. "It's okay," she says, her voice soft. He lifts his head and their eyes meet. "I love you," she states. She draws his lips to hers, kisses him gently. "I love you, and it's okay."
He blinks, his eyes focusing better now that he's regained his wits a little and he asks, "Why did you do that?"
Jake chews on her bottom lip before answering. "Because it's your first time. I wanted it to be special." She can see the disappointment in his eyes because he wanted to give it to her, too, but she grins at him and kisses his mouth again, nudging him with her leg. "What? It's not like you won't be up and at 'em in like ten minutes anyway. I didn't plan it, Hamilton, it just happened. And wasn't it nice?"
His hands frame her face and he kisses her deeply, all that emotion that she sees in his face all the time spilling into every movement of his tongue against hers. "It was more than nice," he whispers. "And it could have happened days ago; why didn't you tell me you were on the Pill?"
"Because I read Seventeen magazine, and everyone knows you should use two forms of birth control to be careful. This was a one-time deal only."
He smiles, full and beautiful. "Because you love me."
She sees it now. He believes her totally. And he should, it's completely true.
(Too bad it’s so terrifying.)
“What time’s Jake getting here?” Scout asks as Hamilton lounges on one of the beds in Scout and Will’s dorm room.
“Around two. She’s gonna leave the bike at Bella’s, and Bella will drive her out here.”
Scout is shoving socks and underwear into a dresser drawer, but Hamilton can see the tension in his shoulders at the mention of his sister. He’s been saving a tidbit of information ever since he came into the dormitory. Will isn’t there at the moment, as he went to meet his mother for lunch, but the good thing about Jake being a girl, besides the obvious, was that she got information none of them as boys would get.
“She and Sean broke up, you know,” he says casually, waiting.
Scout turns slowly, his face relatively blank, but it changes as soon as the words truly penetrate. He’s happy, for sure, and not in a my-sister-broke-up-with-her-loser-boyfriend sort of way.
(Really, Hamilton gets it. Even if Jake were a boy, this situation sucks worse, for sure.)
“What time did you say they’d get here?” Scout asks.
Hamilton can’t help but return his friend’s grin. “Two. I said, two o'clock.”
Jake’s enrollment at Rawley Girls goes flawlessly. Her search for girlfriends isn’t as easy, but she’s used to that, so if she’s not with Hamilton, she’s with Bella, which in turn puts her with Will and Scout a lot, too.
It’s a good group of friends, not something she’s ever had in abundance either. Hamilton introduces her to his mother as Jacqueline, and his parents never know that Jake and Jacqueline are the same person. He makes some off the cuff remark about how they can tell them someday when they get married, and Jake would freak out about that, but he says it in front of Bella, Scout, and Will so she doesn’t have the opportunity. Later, when they’re alone, it’s the first time in almost two weeks that they’re able to have sex, so very little gets talked about then.
He brings her a little gift on their “three month” anniversary, and she asks him what event he's counting from as three months. He smiles, completely without guile and says, "Our first kiss, of course." When she reminds him that their first kiss was on the roof, he further explains, "The first kiss where we both participated."
"And you didn't care if we were gay," she says around a laugh as she opens the small box he's handed her. Inside is a lovely little pendant, oblong with ivy etched into it.
"Do you like it?" he asks, and Jake finds herself blinking back tears.
"I love it," she says, her voice slightly choked.
He kisses her and puts the chain around her throat. She holds it in her hand and thinks this is too much. But when he smiles at her, she smiles back, because it's Hamilton, and how can anyone resist him?
Scout leans forward, the cell phone dropping from his fingers. Hamilton watches him closely because it's hard to tell if this is happy shock or devastation all over again.
"She finally asked," Hamilton surmises, and he looks around the common room, wishing Will were there, wishing he knew what to say to a guy who is definitely in love with his own sister.
"He's not," Scout says, and then it's like he's out of air, and if there is anything else to say, he can't find those words anyway.
Hamilton hopes for the best, and says, "Your dad, he's not her...?" Scout shakes his head and stands up but sits right back down again, like he doesn't know what to do next. Then this crazy smile breaks out over his face, and Hamilton knows for sure. Bella is not Scout's sister, so the whole ballgame has changed, instantly.
Hamilton's 16th birthday had been a few weeks earlier, and he got his license the very same week so now he just says, "I'll go ask my mom if I can borrow the car."
He takes his friend into town and watches while he and Bella kiss for the first time. Well, maybe it's not the first time, but it's the first time in a long time, and the first time since they learned an awful secret that wasn't true.
When he tells Jake about it later, she wants to call Bella, but he says no. He's got Scout's back one way or another, and nothing is going to interrupt them, at least not tonight.
In early November, an Indian summer breaks out just in time for the weekend, so Jake and Hamilton head down to the lake, just to enjoy the sunshine before they seclude themselves for mid-term studying.
Jake's watching him because his eyes are closed and he's leaned back in the boat, one of his legs resting on the edge. For all that Hamilton's plans and certainty about their future scares her, what really shoots panic through her stomach is how much she wants him to be right. When he's quiet like this, just content to be with her because being with her makes him happy, she can't help that terrifying feeling that always comes up to balance out the ease of it all.
No one has ever stayed with her, not her father, whom she's never met, and certainly not her mother. The woman who caught her in a lie like she had last summer had also taken her to get a birth control prescription shortly thereafter. Jake likes freedom because that's all she had ever had. Hamilton looks very much like trapped paradise, something she both wants and fears more than she can quantify.
She can feel herself gearing up to race right out of the situation, but she doesn't know how or when it will happen; there will be an opportunity at some point, and she will take it because she doesn't think there's a happy ending at the end of prep school for her. They'll grow up, Hamilton will go to Harvard or some other college that his father deems worthy, she'll do whatever she'll do, and he will see. He'll see other girls, better girls, girls who don't try to run the show. (Girls who don't run.)
He cracks an eye open at her, catches her staring at him. He smiles and lifts his hand up, wrapping his fingers around the back of her neck. Tugging her down so she's laying beside him causes the boat to rock gently, and she settles her head on his chest. He doesn't say a word, just holds her gently, his fingers caressing her hair. She listens to the thud-thud of his heart.
She wonders fleetingly if it will beat the same steady way after she's gone.
(Scout will say, Dude, she said what? and Hamilton won't respond. He'll just drag his dad's whiskey bottle back to his mouth and swallow the harsh, bitter liquid too quickly.)
The last night they spend together is, by far, one of their most memorable, and considering how lucky they've been in the sex department, that's saying something. It's memorable for various reasons (various orgasms), but also because as she's lying in bed beside him, she whispers, "I love your ears." Her tongue traces the shell of his right one, since it's near her mouth and he shudders because it's fucking sexy and he's hot for her, basically all the time, but especially when she's naked and warm next to him.
"Really?" he asks. His fingers are playing with her breasts, just idly caressing them and teasing her nipples into hard little points while they lay in the dusky twilight of Bella's bedroom. She loaned it to them occasionally so they could have some privacy, and since Jake is leaving for Christmas break the next day, this is one of those occasions. "I hate them. I got teased when I was younger about them."
"Stupid jerks," she mutters under her breath as she continues on, sucking his earlobe into her mouth.
He's not thinking about whoever those nameless kids are now, and then she starts laughing before she plunges her tongue into his ear. It's suddenly not sexy, but it's so Jake, just how she is-how she can turn things on a dime, how she delights him no matter what she does. He shoves her away, yelling, "Gross!" and then he swoops down on top of her, grabbing her arms to pin her beneath him on the bed. They wrestle like this for a while, causing the bed to squeak like they're doing something else, and the laughter grows until they're both hysterical. He eventually collapses on top of her simply because he runs out of energy.
Shifting down, he lays a cheek on her chest, and her hand combs through his hair, dancing over his ear periodically. He's never really told anyone that because he knows of all the injustices in the world, someone teasing him because his ears stuck out a little was hardly a world-ending injury. But still, he's always wished they were different, and she's the only person who's ever said anything nice about them with the exception of his mother, who, let's face it, is supposed to love him and all his flaws anyway, so she doesn't count.
"I want to tell you something," she says, her voice soft.
"Hmmm?" he asks, not moving from his perfectly comfortable position.
"These last six months have been the happiest of my life."
This is a much more surprising pronouncement than her loving his ears, and he tries not to react too much to it. But it's impossible, really; his head springs up without his permission and he looks into her eyes. He wants to say a million things, but all that comes out is, "Me, too."
She tucks her fingers into the hair over both of his ears and says, "No, it's not. You've had a great life, Hamilton, and you'll continue to have a great life. But you changed my life, and I want you to know that."
She pulls his mouth to hers, and he has a shiver of unease work its way down his spine, but then she's flicking her tongue over the tip of his and her hand slides between them and he forgets in the bliss of her body that her words feel like an ending.
When Jake breaks up with Hamilton, she's literally looking out the window of a high rise flat in Paris at the Eiffel Tower. They're on the phone, and it's been four months since she left Rawley.
At first, they'd tried the long distance thing because Hamilton was convinced her mother would move again in a few months and they'd come back to the States, or at the very least Jake would want to come back to Rawley. He said this straight out, and she never corrected him because he wasn't wrong.
She did want to go back, every damn day. But she also wanted a relationship with her mother, and for the first time ever in her life, her mother was making an effort to have one. She didn't know how to navigate that any better that she did a boyfriend who lived across the ocean and on a fairly regular basis made her feel guilty for being so far away.
And while her desire to be with her mom is what keeps her in Paris to begin with, it's not why she stays, and it's not why she breaks up with him. This just makes it easier to let what would eventually happen between her and Hamilton happen now. (Well, easier is a relative word, but still. It would have come to this eventually.)
She even lies to him for good measure as the lights of the Tower twinkle at her. When he demands to know why she's doing this, she tells him, "I met someone else."
He goes off for about five minutes about fucking French guys and then he's crying and begging her to just come home because they love each other and they belong together. She manages not to cry, and she doesn't give in, not in the slightest. She leaves him without hope, which is the kindest thing she can do to him at this point.
Her mother sits beside her on the bed, rubbing her back. "It's for the best, sweetheart," she says, and that's what does it. She begins to cry. The sound gets louder and louder, and it's so strange that she can't believe it's coming from her mouth. She sobs so hard she throws up, and that really freaks her mom out. She hauls Jake into the bathroom and wets a washcloth to pat her face with, but Jake ends up pushing her out of the room so she can be alone.
She curls into the fetal position on the bathmat, crying until she's empty, until no thoughts of Hamilton can squeeze another tear from her body.
At least for that day.
(She'll cry for him again and again over the years.)
(Bella will ask repeatedly, do you want me to get you his number?)
(Jake will always say no.)
[Yes, there will be a sequel.]