No words. (and no paragraphs)
You always say "how could you" and "you couldnt love me, you wouldnt act that way." Your absolutely wrong. I go throught times like what im experienceing right now often, and i do it in dead silence. I want to crawl out of my skin and leave this life for my body to deal with, when the pain is over i'll have my spirit return. But i cant do that. I get to set here and wallow in crule self doubt and pain. I think about how ive made you feel, and i think that you too have been feeling this and i just dont think that trying to do the right thing is worth all this pain. The "right thing" that im refering to is: listening to my brain not my heart. Untill now ive let my heart do the thinking when times were emotinally strained for us. I would start to hurt and think, just what im thinking now, that "i dont want my boy to ever feel like i am right now." Yet, inevitably it happens to us again. I have made my share of mistakes. Its odd how this has all progressed. In the begining it was you that would really cause the strain, and that couldnt seem to get it untill we were about done. Then i went through a time where i just didnt care anymore, and i strayed. Once i strayed my brain came back to the game but it seems sexually i never did. That caused the next strain, one i couldnt even help. There are some aspects of our character that are not quite compatable, those are some of our cour values, and im not giving up mine and wouldnt expect anyone else to either. Ive discovered in any number of different scinarios that were just not at the same place in life. Ive found that its less and less easy to mold you into who i want you to be, and your pointing out more and more that you feel like you arent your self anymore. I believe that i was simply trying to make you better and stronger, and i think for the most part you agree. I never ment to take away your identity though. I am very proud of who you are. I am glad to know you, glad to call you my friend, and honored that you let me into your heart.
I am sick right now. The pain never fails to amaze me. I feel like everytime im in this place i want to discribe it, but there arent words, and if there were... i used them last time. I thin the longer you are with someone the more extreme the highs and lows can be. I have the pain of dealing with my own decision and the pain of having to hurt you to do what my brain is telling me is right for now. You know what it feels like to hurt me? Im feeling that to an extreme right now. Not to throw it in your face, and as hard as i try not to, i know your with Ralph and its burning me. Untill yestroday i believed him when i was told "im keeping it at friend level." I got his phone call where he was mad at me and that convinced me otherwise. Way to move right in...
Steve I dont want you to hurt. I dont want to hurt either. I need to get where im going, and i need to clear my head and soul. I need to be able to feel good about my self again, like im a worth while person. I need my self confidence and self awareness back. I couldnt help but feel like a bad excuse for a boyfriend when im constantly reminded of my mistakes. Even if you dont bring them up i can see my past in your eyes. I hope that us being apart will let us both set back and see each other for who we are, and who we were. You know how you dont believe i really know you, i feel the same. I know that i have thoughts and desires and spotinaity and things you dont see in me. I know you have parts of you i dont apprecaite too. Lets really try and focus on the positive. I want you to take a look at how you view me, and how i view you. I cant think of a time when i picked you appart in a negative conintation... but bubba you do it to me. You assume im out fucking the world. Even if i was Square, it has nothing to do with not loving you. Right this moment i kinda get what your saying when you say... you couldnt be doing this if you felt for me. I couldnt if i didnt block it out. Im not claiming to be an angel even now, but i am not the monster you think i am. Dont expect me to act as you might, just as i dont for you.
Steve you have got to give me credit, that i do feel bad, that i do think of you, that i do really hurt. Before i meet you, how often did i express my feelings? How often did i vocalize them or let anyone know? I didnt, Im better but im still me.
I want to also tell you the truth about you and Ralph. It makes me sick, and im not even mad at you. It just makes me sick to see my xbf and my soul mate with a guy who got very close to me and used every bit of information from my seeking counsil in him... for his own benifet. Do either of you really believe that i could become his friend again? I dont think i can, if so it will be a long time... even then it CANT ever be like it was. Thats something i cant change even if i wanted to, thats a choise you and he made and i had nothing to do with it. Im tired of getting a half assed appology from both of you. Im tired of a justified explination. Can you just admit that its wrong? I never tried to date joe, i never tried to date desire, you dont even have a daily best friend that i could compair it to. THIS happened, and you cant erace it, it will always be in my mind. You can forigve but you may never forget and i think that is what will happen. I dont know why im not severely pissed at you, i guess because I know us very well and i know the circumstances, so in my mind i guess ive excused you. How in the hell are we going to be able to hang out and be friends? Dont you think Ralph would be uncomofortable? It reminds me of how i feel now about you two hanging out so much just before and just after i was told. ITS FUCKED UP. You told him he had nothing to worry about because he had done nothing wrong. Your wrong.
We were working on communication, ect... and what came out in the wash? A break in communication. In retrospect square, you and ralph having an interest right now is the best thing for our friendship, future. You would be preocupied with me if he didnt keep your mind off of me both as a friend and an interest. You focusing on me would cause friction between us. It could end up better this way, and i want you to know i will always be your best friend, but you have to take my good with my bad and stay a positive influence and not be negative. If you want to help me... guide me when you feel im doing things wrong. If you want to get through to me, you know it has be logic based, tell me why i should do it your way. I love you with all my heart and soul, and i will never go away. But please, dont force me to feel how you want me to feel. This part of me you dont know, the part that deals with stress. Dont force me to be friends wtih ralph. Dont try and make me feel negative or guilty about my part in this not working out. You can denie trying to make me feel guilty all you want but you just might not realize that your actions are speaking louder than your words. You cant say "im not trying to make you feel guilty but, jay you did XY and Z and we would have been fine if you didnt, and thats why i did XYZ." That is exactly what giving someone a guilt trip looks like and exactly what we need to work on.
I am sick right now. The pain never fails to amaze me. I feel like everytime im in this place i want to discribe it, but there arent words, and if there were... i used them last time. I thin the longer you are with someone the more extreme the highs and lows can be. I have the pain of dealing with my own decision and the pain of having to hurt you to do what my brain is telling me is right for now. You know what it feels like to hurt me? Im feeling that to an extreme right now. Not to throw it in your face, and as hard as i try not to, i know your with Ralph and its burning me. Untill yestroday i believed him when i was told "im keeping it at friend level." I got his phone call where he was mad at me and that convinced me otherwise. Way to move right in...
Steve I dont want you to hurt. I dont want to hurt either. I need to get where im going, and i need to clear my head and soul. I need to be able to feel good about my self again, like im a worth while person. I need my self confidence and self awareness back. I couldnt help but feel like a bad excuse for a boyfriend when im constantly reminded of my mistakes. Even if you dont bring them up i can see my past in your eyes. I hope that us being apart will let us both set back and see each other for who we are, and who we were. You know how you dont believe i really know you, i feel the same. I know that i have thoughts and desires and spotinaity and things you dont see in me. I know you have parts of you i dont apprecaite too. Lets really try and focus on the positive. I want you to take a look at how you view me, and how i view you. I cant think of a time when i picked you appart in a negative conintation... but bubba you do it to me. You assume im out fucking the world. Even if i was Square, it has nothing to do with not loving you. Right this moment i kinda get what your saying when you say... you couldnt be doing this if you felt for me. I couldnt if i didnt block it out. Im not claiming to be an angel even now, but i am not the monster you think i am. Dont expect me to act as you might, just as i dont for you.
Steve you have got to give me credit, that i do feel bad, that i do think of you, that i do really hurt. Before i meet you, how often did i express my feelings? How often did i vocalize them or let anyone know? I didnt, Im better but im still me.
I want to also tell you the truth about you and Ralph. It makes me sick, and im not even mad at you. It just makes me sick to see my xbf and my soul mate with a guy who got very close to me and used every bit of information from my seeking counsil in him... for his own benifet. Do either of you really believe that i could become his friend again? I dont think i can, if so it will be a long time... even then it CANT ever be like it was. Thats something i cant change even if i wanted to, thats a choise you and he made and i had nothing to do with it. Im tired of getting a half assed appology from both of you. Im tired of a justified explination. Can you just admit that its wrong? I never tried to date joe, i never tried to date desire, you dont even have a daily best friend that i could compair it to. THIS happened, and you cant erace it, it will always be in my mind. You can forigve but you may never forget and i think that is what will happen. I dont know why im not severely pissed at you, i guess because I know us very well and i know the circumstances, so in my mind i guess ive excused you. How in the hell are we going to be able to hang out and be friends? Dont you think Ralph would be uncomofortable? It reminds me of how i feel now about you two hanging out so much just before and just after i was told. ITS FUCKED UP. You told him he had nothing to worry about because he had done nothing wrong. Your wrong.
We were working on communication, ect... and what came out in the wash? A break in communication. In retrospect square, you and ralph having an interest right now is the best thing for our friendship, future. You would be preocupied with me if he didnt keep your mind off of me both as a friend and an interest. You focusing on me would cause friction between us. It could end up better this way, and i want you to know i will always be your best friend, but you have to take my good with my bad and stay a positive influence and not be negative. If you want to help me... guide me when you feel im doing things wrong. If you want to get through to me, you know it has be logic based, tell me why i should do it your way. I love you with all my heart and soul, and i will never go away. But please, dont force me to feel how you want me to feel. This part of me you dont know, the part that deals with stress. Dont force me to be friends wtih ralph. Dont try and make me feel negative or guilty about my part in this not working out. You can denie trying to make me feel guilty all you want but you just might not realize that your actions are speaking louder than your words. You cant say "im not trying to make you feel guilty but, jay you did XY and Z and we would have been fine if you didnt, and thats why i did XYZ." That is exactly what giving someone a guilt trip looks like and exactly what we need to work on.