The Talk
I finally talked to my baby again today. I feel disgusting and horrible. He, in true Christian fashion, is willing to forgive me and try again and I just feel that's unhealthy. Not so much because he is so hard working at relationship but because I done want to keep reliving my mistakes after this. I have failed at this relationship, I fucked it up and id really just rather let it go. I cant stand the thought that I wont get to see him and talk to someone everyday, last night was one of the loneliest nights in my own home I have ever had. I was feeling weak. Even when SteveO's not in my bed at night he's in my soul and im not alone. Its nice to have someone to face the world with. All that he means to me and all the worth he has, I realize every penny of it ... so why would I ever cheat or look elsewhere? I done even know that answer, I know that loosing sexual attraction for your mate is a hard thing to over come, in fact I done know how to do it. He made a great point, taking away the temptation (online) is one great way. I at one point enjoyed not going out when we decided not to because I didn't have all that temptation, and he's right you have no choice, and enjoy focusing more of your attention on each other. He is not the kind to break up with me for any reason, and im the kind to break it off to "cut your loses." This opitimizes our schools of thought, Christian Vs business. I cant help but look at this and think that he is better off without me, and that I can feel better about my self because im not doing this to the universes only SteveO ... gezis Christ this boy is amazing and deserves to be treated better. Its not just that I cant help my addiction to sex and young guys ... sadly I don't even want to.
I even used to think the way he does. That if you really loved someone so much you "couldn't do that to them, well, live and learn? I know, and have no reason to lie about my feelings for him, and I undoubtedly love him with all my heart. I have a love for him that will not die, and I may never have a successful relationship because it could way on my mind forever the "what if" thought of "maybe he was right." Maybe I should have tried one more time. After all in the beginning of our re-relationships I am normally pretty strong and perform as promised, buts just a matter of time or freedom that brings me back. At that time if he starts to check up on me I get pissed because 1. Im loosing freedom 2. Im having to be accountable to someone 3. He doesn't trust me and 4. HES RIGHT, he cant trust me.
I even used to think the way he does. That if you really loved someone so much you "couldn't do that to them, well, live and learn? I know, and have no reason to lie about my feelings for him, and I undoubtedly love him with all my heart. I have a love for him that will not die, and I may never have a successful relationship because it could way on my mind forever the "what if" thought of "maybe he was right." Maybe I should have tried one more time. After all in the beginning of our re-relationships I am normally pretty strong and perform as promised, buts just a matter of time or freedom that brings me back. At that time if he starts to check up on me I get pissed because 1. Im loosing freedom 2. Im having to be accountable to someone 3. He doesn't trust me and 4. HES RIGHT, he cant trust me.