the edge
i may have said this before. but i know EXACTLY where the edge of everything is. its really weird how it feels to be that close to it, but its there. it almost consumes everything. it's hard to tell what keeps it the edge and why it doesn't just engulf everything. because it does have that kind of power. but no, it stays where it is, just watching. knowing exactly when to strike while you have to guess. i could feel its presence the other night. i had awoken from a horrible nightmare about dying. whats weird is i've usually had a dream where i died somehow, but this was different. it was as though i was shown what only dying men know. i did see the edge of life. the small, very tiny line that seperates life from death. i walked along it and somehow found my way back to here. the feelings i felt where similar to what someone would feel before going on a journey to somewhere they have never been. that sounds very typical and it is very hard to express what those words mean, but just imagine that you are about to get on a boat to go out to sea or you are standing in front of a big jungle, ready to go hiking. everything will look very mysterious. for a true adventurer, you may know for a fact that you will never be coming back. all you can do is go forward into the unknown since there is no possibility of turning back. this is what i had felt. i knew it was the end and that if i wasn't careful, i would never get a second chance. i had to know what to do. of course, this was all a dream, but very puzzling in the way that it was a dream and not real. i've never experienced anything like this ever before...or had i? i will never know. all i know for sure is that i somehow know death better than most people. it's kind of like the zing and the zang thing, excpet the black part is nearly consuming the white. that is me. i know the darkness because i've been there too many times to count. except this time i didn't have anyone to save me. i had to do it on my own. all i can say is that it could be possible i really was dying. i was dying in my sleep, but luckily i had been there before and i knew how to get back. i've seen the end so many times, it's hard to imagine that there is anything beyond it. that is why there is faith or religion: we can only hope. this may seem dark, twisted, or even bizarre. i'm not making any of it up. i have no reason to. as far as i know, nobody reads this and i don't really care anyway. there really doesn't seem to be fate, just the end. how and why we get to the end is really dependant on the individual. in my dreams i usually made some kind of mistake to end up at the end. but i didn't want to leave yet, so i stayed. i didn't cheat death, i simply made my own choice because it was still mine to make. i can only guess that maybe i was suffocating to death and didn't know it while i was sleeping. i awoke to a very large breath. of course, i was unsure if it was simply because of the dream. i can never know. for some reason though, i do value life more than i did before. that is why i believe taht i did see the edge. only someone who has seen it can actually appreciate everyday after it. unfortunetly, there is always an end. so i can only stray away from the end for so long. the only thing that can save me is a better understanding of what is awaiting me at the edge. is it just nothing? is it something that i can never imagine? whatever the case, it will be better to know what i may be up against. there is a possibility for knowing and i intend to find out. that, i think, is the purpose of this life: to find out what the purpose of life really is. to understand what i do not understand. i once had a dream where i understood everything, but since you can take nothing with you from your dreams, i awoke knowing nothing. i need to know everything i possibly can before this life is over. it is the only purpose.