Can I help you with anything? Preferably your suicide.....
Customers come in two categories.
The first is the "I would like to tell you my life story" guy. These are quite frequently elderly or foreign or both. These are the people who want to make absolutely sure you are equipped with all the information you could possibly need plus any additional details, backstory, family history of medical conditions, previous visits, future hopes and dreams and any other pointless facts they feel like divulging at the time. They will duly hand all this over in the opening lines of the conversation, speaking slowly and patiently allowing you to take it all in and process your answer accordingly. It will normally start something like this:
"You see my daughter is paying for the hotel for my birthday present as we would like to come over and see the football match and take the tour so we are getting the train over and she had paid for the tickets and booked the hotel online, and we just wanted to check whether it had been paid for, because you see when we went to a hotel in Liverpool for our anniversary they didn't take the payment in advance but when we were in London it was all paid up front over the internet so I think it's always good to double check these things so you know where you stand what with it being a gift and everything, and of course with a gift it is traditional that the person pays for it for you so I just wanted to check whether it had been paid or whether I need to make other arrangements, and I spoke to one of your colleagues yesterday and she asked me to call back at some point between nine and two tomorrow and I hope it's not too early, it being ten past nine and I'm not interrupting you or anything, but if you need the reference number it's...."
During this time you can generally leave the phone on the desk, disappear off and make a cup of tea, come back and carry on the conversation, whereupon once they have got through their spiel (or run out of breath, whichever comes first) you can finally say "I don't need the reference number - just the date and the name."
The second is the guy who seems to think he's on a mission from MI5 and feels the need to hide his movements and activity beneath a blanket of shadowy mystery. It could be he thinks it's sexy, or perhaps he just doesn't like talking much. Either way any possible details you require from such a man will have to be dragged kicking and screaming from his reluctant lips with a fishook and a crowbar.
BOND GUY: How much is a room?
ME: For which night?
B: Oh, whatever you've got.
M: Well, the rate is dependent on the date. If you want to book for a match day event rates are higher, but on a quiet night we knock the rates down.
B: Oh. Tomorrow. And Friday.
M: And what sort of room would you like?
B: Hmmm.... what have you got?
M: Singles, doubles, twins, triples, quads and families.
B: How many people can you get in a double?
M: .... Two.
B: And a triple?
M: .............. Three.
B: Hmm.
M: How many people is it for?
B: I'm not sure yet.
M: I can give you a full price list for all room types.
B: Ok. Can I book now?
M: I thought you didn't know what room you wanted?
B: Well, it's for about twenty people. I have most of my family staying at my house and they're driving me nuts.
M: Hang on, I'll put you through to group reservations.....
It's bad enough that I had to come to work with a hangover. I don't need this as well.
The first is the "I would like to tell you my life story" guy. These are quite frequently elderly or foreign or both. These are the people who want to make absolutely sure you are equipped with all the information you could possibly need plus any additional details, backstory, family history of medical conditions, previous visits, future hopes and dreams and any other pointless facts they feel like divulging at the time. They will duly hand all this over in the opening lines of the conversation, speaking slowly and patiently allowing you to take it all in and process your answer accordingly. It will normally start something like this:
"You see my daughter is paying for the hotel for my birthday present as we would like to come over and see the football match and take the tour so we are getting the train over and she had paid for the tickets and booked the hotel online, and we just wanted to check whether it had been paid for, because you see when we went to a hotel in Liverpool for our anniversary they didn't take the payment in advance but when we were in London it was all paid up front over the internet so I think it's always good to double check these things so you know where you stand what with it being a gift and everything, and of course with a gift it is traditional that the person pays for it for you so I just wanted to check whether it had been paid or whether I need to make other arrangements, and I spoke to one of your colleagues yesterday and she asked me to call back at some point between nine and two tomorrow and I hope it's not too early, it being ten past nine and I'm not interrupting you or anything, but if you need the reference number it's...."
During this time you can generally leave the phone on the desk, disappear off and make a cup of tea, come back and carry on the conversation, whereupon once they have got through their spiel (or run out of breath, whichever comes first) you can finally say "I don't need the reference number - just the date and the name."
The second is the guy who seems to think he's on a mission from MI5 and feels the need to hide his movements and activity beneath a blanket of shadowy mystery. It could be he thinks it's sexy, or perhaps he just doesn't like talking much. Either way any possible details you require from such a man will have to be dragged kicking and screaming from his reluctant lips with a fishook and a crowbar.
BOND GUY: How much is a room?
ME: For which night?
B: Oh, whatever you've got.
M: Well, the rate is dependent on the date. If you want to book for a match day event rates are higher, but on a quiet night we knock the rates down.
B: Oh. Tomorrow. And Friday.
M: And what sort of room would you like?
B: Hmmm.... what have you got?
M: Singles, doubles, twins, triples, quads and families.
B: How many people can you get in a double?
M: .... Two.
B: And a triple?
M: .............. Three.
B: Hmm.
M: How many people is it for?
B: I'm not sure yet.
M: I can give you a full price list for all room types.
B: Ok. Can I book now?
M: I thought you didn't know what room you wanted?
B: Well, it's for about twenty people. I have most of my family staying at my house and they're driving me nuts.
M: Hang on, I'll put you through to group reservations.....
It's bad enough that I had to come to work with a hangover. I don't need this as well.