Fucked Over
The other night I was laying in bed thinking about stuff. That's generally what I do in bed because I don't sleep all that well. But anyways I just randomly and suddenly realized something. Every man I've ever been close to has fucked me over. Now I mean I've known that all these people have fucked me over but I never realized that ALL of the men in my life had.
My cousin. He didn't intentionally fuck me over. But what happened fucked me up and I dunno. He was the only guy in my life really, well besides my Dad who popped up from time to time. He's the only one that I still love and all that. He was my best friend, my hero ... and then he died. And I was left alone. And at 8, that's not a very fun thing to go through. At least I had my daddy right?
My dad. Complete asshole. But he wasn't always like that. I was daddys little girl, plain and simple. After my cousin died I craved his attention and I was closer to him than ever. And I don't know what happened really. He just sort of turned on me. The calls and the visits stopped. And if he did call or come by it was only to insult me. Thing are a little better now I guess ... that or I just pay less attention to him. I think it's the later.
My aunt's husband. About the same tume my dad started being a prick, my aunt met the man who is now her husband. I really liked him. He did all the stuff with me that my dad wouldn't. He taught me to drive, taught me how to play tennis and all kinds of shit. He spent time with me. But when things seem too good to be true, they usually are right? Blind sided me really. I didn't see it coming. I should have but I didn't. Hindsight's 20/20. It's a wonder I didn't completely lose it ... I mean it fucked me up no doubt ... Made me even hate a whole race ... but it wasn't the last straw.
My cousin. The same aunt who's married to the prick above, her son became an everyday part of my life a 2 or so years after my aunt's husband fucked me over. And I remember looking up to him ... he was alot older than me ... like 17 years older ... He was the same age as my sister and they had grown up together and I had heard all the stories of all the parties and all the wild times. I loved. Eventually he started to let me drink with him. And I mean he gave me liqour and shit. The first time I ever got drunk was with him. I thought that was so kool because I was in a badass phase or something. We went bowling and did all kinds of shit. He was really cool. But once again, when things seem to good to be true they usually are. And it blind sided me even than with the prick. And I think this was when I lost it. I don't trust anyone anymore, not completely at least, and especially not men.
Ok so I've been rambling and I don't even really know what point I'm trying to prove. It's just that the other night I realized all this and I just kind of lost it. Had a mini breakdown. Honestly ... I'm still having it. There's just so much shit going on in my head. Shit that has to do with the past, the present and the future. And it's just too much. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. And I mean the drinking, the drugs, the cutting ... it's out of control. And I don't know what to do.
My cousin. He didn't intentionally fuck me over. But what happened fucked me up and I dunno. He was the only guy in my life really, well besides my Dad who popped up from time to time. He's the only one that I still love and all that. He was my best friend, my hero ... and then he died. And I was left alone. And at 8, that's not a very fun thing to go through. At least I had my daddy right?
My dad. Complete asshole. But he wasn't always like that. I was daddys little girl, plain and simple. After my cousin died I craved his attention and I was closer to him than ever. And I don't know what happened really. He just sort of turned on me. The calls and the visits stopped. And if he did call or come by it was only to insult me. Thing are a little better now I guess ... that or I just pay less attention to him. I think it's the later.
My aunt's husband. About the same tume my dad started being a prick, my aunt met the man who is now her husband. I really liked him. He did all the stuff with me that my dad wouldn't. He taught me to drive, taught me how to play tennis and all kinds of shit. He spent time with me. But when things seem too good to be true, they usually are right? Blind sided me really. I didn't see it coming. I should have but I didn't. Hindsight's 20/20. It's a wonder I didn't completely lose it ... I mean it fucked me up no doubt ... Made me even hate a whole race ... but it wasn't the last straw.
My cousin. The same aunt who's married to the prick above, her son became an everyday part of my life a 2 or so years after my aunt's husband fucked me over. And I remember looking up to him ... he was alot older than me ... like 17 years older ... He was the same age as my sister and they had grown up together and I had heard all the stories of all the parties and all the wild times. I loved. Eventually he started to let me drink with him. And I mean he gave me liqour and shit. The first time I ever got drunk was with him. I thought that was so kool because I was in a badass phase or something. We went bowling and did all kinds of shit. He was really cool. But once again, when things seem to good to be true they usually are. And it blind sided me even than with the prick. And I think this was when I lost it. I don't trust anyone anymore, not completely at least, and especially not men.
Ok so I've been rambling and I don't even really know what point I'm trying to prove. It's just that the other night I realized all this and I just kind of lost it. Had a mini breakdown. Honestly ... I'm still having it. There's just so much shit going on in my head. Shit that has to do with the past, the present and the future. And it's just too much. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. And I mean the drinking, the drugs, the cutting ... it's out of control. And I don't know what to do.