Oh God!!!
Have you ever felt like you there is nothing that you have control over?? And then you find something that you can control but then other people don't find it socially accpetable and don't approve, so you then stop the action and you see the fact that you are making the choice to stop means you have control over that. But then that gets yanked away from you and you then feel like you don't have any control.
I'm rambling but what am I rambling about? My blades. It's been over 2 months since I've used them but I usually take them out of the Altoid tin thing and look at them. It makes me feel secure. It makes me feel as if I have control because I ultimately have control whether I do it or not. Sorta the same control I had when I did it. But I just took them out and they aren't all there and I am freaking out and spazzing!! I didn't want to cut before I seen that some were missing but I do now because I'm losing control. Like I lost control before I didn't ever cut ... and that drove me to cutting like I'm thinking it is about to again. A none of this make sense so it just pisses me off even more. And having a fucking panic attack or something. OMG!!! I'm shaking, turning red and getting really hot and crying too. It's fucking making me physically ill!! I'm fucking losing my mind!! Omg!! I just want this shit to be over with, all of it!!
I'm rambling but what am I rambling about? My blades. It's been over 2 months since I've used them but I usually take them out of the Altoid tin thing and look at them. It makes me feel secure. It makes me feel as if I have control because I ultimately have control whether I do it or not. Sorta the same control I had when I did it. But I just took them out and they aren't all there and I am freaking out and spazzing!! I didn't want to cut before I seen that some were missing but I do now because I'm losing control. Like I lost control before I didn't ever cut ... and that drove me to cutting like I'm thinking it is about to again. A none of this make sense so it just pisses me off even more. And having a fucking panic attack or something. OMG!!! I'm shaking, turning red and getting really hot and crying too. It's fucking making me physically ill!! I'm fucking losing my mind!! Omg!! I just want this shit to be over with, all of it!!